Institute on Religious Life’s InnerView with Dr. Jill Verschaetse
Ercolino, L. The Bride Returns Home [Artwork]. Hope's Garden.
Artwork used with permission of the artist.
Editor’s Note: This article originally appeared in the May/June/July 2024 issue of the Institute on Religious Life’s Religious Life magazine. We are grateful to the institute for giving us permission to repost it on our blog. We made minor edits to the original only by adding hyperlinks to the article, otherwise, it is as it was originally published.
InnerView With Dr. Jill Verschaetse, Psychological Consultant for Life-Giving Wounds—a Catholic Ministry for Adult Children of Divorce
Doctor, divorce seems so common place in and accepted by today’s society. Why and how did this ministry—Life-Giving Wounds—get started?
The idea for Life-Giving Wounds originated from a research project called Recovering Origins, created by the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and the Family in Washington, D.C. Dr. Daniel Meola—co-founder and President of Life-Giving Wounds along with his wife Bethany—contributed much to the development of the Recovering Origins materials and eventually adapted the program into a three-day retreat. As there was no known program in existence for adult children of divorce or separation, the couple set out to meet this need. They also developed support groups, a blog, leadership training, and an online community to assist leaders in ministering to those from broken homes. They recently published a book, Life-Giving Wounds, through Ignatius Press to serve as a guide for healing.
What is your own background and how did you get interested in this ministry?
I am a wife, mother, and clinical psychologist. My husband is also a clinical psychologist and we received our doctorates from Divine Mercy University, a Catholic Graduate School for Psychology. We own a Catholic Counseling Practice in Mesa, Arizona called Journey to Peace Counseling Services (jtpcs.org). My clinical work has been with individuals, families, couples, and religious communities/seminaries. I have conducted psychological evaluations for those entering or currently in religious life, in both cloistered and active communities. Before receiving my degree, I spent time in a religious community myself. Although it was not the Lord’s Will for me to remain there, I live a form of consecration in the world alongside a group known as the Cloistered Hearts.
In 2015, I attended the very first Life-Giving Wounds retreat. As a child of divorce myself, I was delighted to find a ministry that specifically addressed the hidden and silent wounds borne by the children of divorce. I experienced much healing on that first retreat. Afterwards, I connected with Dr. Daniel Meola and told him of my desire to support the ministry.
I began serving as a member of the traveling retreat team and then eventually my husband and I became psychological advisors for the ministry. I have written for their blog, helped develop the leadership manual, reviewed their recent book, and offer psychological consultations on complex situations that arise during retreats.
Your doctoral dissertation was on Feminine Bridal Identity. How is this particularly impacted by divorce, especially in a woman’s ability to give herself to Christ in a Spousal relationship? Does it impact men in a different way?
Bridal identity is intricately a part of who women are as women. In Mulieris Dignitatem, St. John Paul II speaks of woman as virgin-mother-spouse. Virgin is meant in the filial sense of the term and every woman is called to be daughter, bride, and mother. The progression in woman’s identity is developmental: woman is first daughter, then bride, then mother. When there is a rupture at an earlier stage of development, this impacts her ability to fully develop in subsequent stages.
Divorce distorts a woman’s sense of herself first as daughter. When this foundation is shaken, she struggles in her ability to recognize and embrace her bridal identity. You cannot be fully Bride and open to all that entails (receptivity, intimacy, security, union, etc.) if you are not first secure in your Daughterhood (trusting that you are loveable, loved, good, worthy, safe in relationship). Furthermore, as women religious are not only called to be Bride, but ultimately to also become Mother, a woman who is wounded in both her daughterhood and bridal identity will struggle to attain the necessary security required to offer a full gift of self.
Men, too, suffer as a result of parental divorce and often grapple with the question, “Do I have what it takes?” They frequently lack confidence in themselves and can become stunted in their manhood, halting the process of healthy development. They may feel directionless and unable to make vocational commitments.
How would you characterize the type of wound caused by divorce and how does this affect relationships later in life, including in religious community life?
Divorce is a trauma (c.f. Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 2385), particularly an attachment trauma. Part of the task of infancy and childhood is to develop what is known as a secure attachment with our caregivers. It is because of the safety and love of these early relationships that we feel able to explore and establish relationships in the future.
When a rupture such as divorce occurs in these most primal bonds, it can shake us to our core and cause profound difficulties for later relationships. Two common styles of disordered attachment (and therefore, of unhealthy relating) that can develop are avoidant attachment and preoccupied attachment. Individuals with avoidant attachment tend to relate to others in surface ways and find it difficult to be vulnerable. They often appear unaffected by things and regularly restrain their emotions (whether consciously or unconsciously).
Preoccupied attachment on the other hand, is a hypervigilance in relationships. These individuals are overly concerned with others’ perceptions of them, how their relationships are going, they tend to feel things very deeply, and may often need to check in on the status of relationships. Their bonds often lead to enmeshment or to being intwined in an unhealthy way. Both extremes serve to protect against the feelings of terror and emptiness that developed upon the fracture of their family.
In religious life, those who have an avoidant attachment style may struggle in the following ways: forming authentic relationships within community, complete honesty with superiors (due to struggles with vulnerability), lacking true intimacy with God (even if outward appearances indicate otherwise), and a perpetual sense of restlessness (due to an inability to attain the true deep connection for which we are created).
Those who have a preoccupied attachment style may struggle in other ways: anxiety in relationships with superiors (especially when given a correction or if they perceive displeasure from the superior), anxiety-based prayer that seeks desperately for God rather than spending time being with Him and trusting in His abiding presence, plagued by what other community members think of them and sensitivity to being included, blockage in contemplative prayer due to an inability to let go of control during prayer times, self-focused instead of God-focused prayer that can lead to constant evaluation of one’s spiritual progress, fear instead of faith and trustful surrender.
For religious communities evaluating aspirants who are children of divorce, what should they look out for and how can they help these candidates persevere in long, fruitful lives as a consecrated man or woman?
Two key things to remember in working with candidates who are children of divorce are to avoid the extremes and to discern each situation individually. Communities should neither overly fear the effects of divorce on potential members nor gloss over this fact and fail to see the lasting impact it can have (despite the possibility of the person themselves being unaware of its effects). It is often the case that the repercussions of divorce do not surface until young adulthood or the beginning of more intimate relationships. Hence, younger candidates are often able to present well if these issues have not yet manifested. Nevertheless, simply being a child of divorce should not disqualify one from a vocation to the religious life. Rather, each situation should be discerned individually with an eye to the person's understanding of the effect it has had on them personally, their prior healing work, their present manner of being in close relationships, and their openness to further healing efforts should issues arise in the future.
Where can our readers find more information?
They can visit LifegivingWounds.org or jtpcs.org. Those interested in our services can consider our Journey to Peace Counseling Services which offers various options such as tele-therapy, consultation services and possible local or remote retreat/ human formation days. Email me at jillverschaetse@gmail.com.
Prayer To Know One's Vocation
Lord, my God and my loving Father, you have made me to know you, to love you, to serve you, and thereby to find and to fulfill my deepest longings. I know that you are in all things, and that every path can lead me to you.
But of them all, there is one especially by which you want me to come to you. Since I will do what you want of me, I pray you, send your Holy Spirit to me: into my mind, to show me what you want of me; into my heart, to give me the determination to do it, and to do it with all my love, with all my mind, and with all of my strength right to the end. Jesus, I trust in you. Amen
(This prayer was found on the USCCB website here.)
St. Joseph, Patron of Dedicated Souls, please pray for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation who are considering a religious vocation.
About the Author:
Dr. Jill Verschaetse is a wife, mother, and licensed clinical psychologist. Although much of her work is currently at home, focused on mothering her own young children, she continues to do part-time work through psychological consultation and speaking engagements. Dr. Jill is also a child of divorce and a graduate of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. She is honored to be a part of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling retreat team. She and her husband Dr. Nate Verschaeste own a Catholic counseling practice in Mesa, Arizona called Journey to Peace Counseling Services and serve as psychological advisors for Life-Giving Wounds.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
If you are considering joining a religious community, or are in a religious community, how did this article impact your thoughts on religious life?
Reflect on the idea of feminine bridal identity, and what that means for us as the Church (more broadly), or, for you personally, as either male or female (cf CCC 2331-2336). Please note: while Bridal Identity manifests in females in a very particular way (and more obvious way), men can also be impacted in their ability to RECEIVE (a bridal quality) from Christ and to SURRENDER (another bridal quality) to Him.
What kind of feelings arise in me when I consider my own Bridal Identity? Do I feel able to take these to the Lord?
How would you characterize the type of wound caused by divorce and how does this affect relationships later in life, including in religious community or family life?