The Other Side of Forgiveness
Self portrait of author on a mountain top.©
Used with permission of the author.
““To err is human; to forgive, Devine.””
During Lent in 2021, the pastor of my Catholic parish offered a five-week retreat on Forgiveness. When I read the description of the retreat in the parish newsletter, I gasped!! I knew this was what I needed to pull me out from forty plus years of unforgiveness. Yes, I am not a young woman anymore. As I write this article I am 62. My parents divorced when I was 13 and my brother was 10. My journey of healing has taken a very long time, and yes, I am still working on some issues. It is true what they say, It is a process. It is a journey through life. And, it takes time.
In the spring of 2022, I had a great Zoom conversation with Dan Meola, co-founder of Life Giving Wounds. During our conversation I said to Dan, “Am I too old for Life Giving Wounds?” Dan gently told me, “If you are still working on issues from your parents’ divorce, then absolutely not.” Thank you Dan for your many gentle and kind words that day! I attended a Life Giving Wounds retreat in the fall of that year, where I found the tools that I was seeking, which guided me to the Lord’s healing balm shortly after the retreat. Praise God!
But for now, let's go back to forgiveness…
As I mentioned, I had been withholding forgiveness for forty plus years; I needed to forgive my mother and her husband. I have listened to many divorce stories over the last fifty years and many of those stories have the father at fault. Yes, fathers get a bad rap. But in my case it was my mother who one day decided to drop the bomb on my dad, my brother and I: she asked for a divorce. My father was equally shocked as my brother and I were. She had never discussed with my father that she was unhappy. There was never a fight or disagreement. She had quietly made up her mind and that was that. No counseling. No Discussions. No options. She slept on the sofa for the next two months until she was able to extricate my father from the house with a court order.
There was something very odd about my mother’s behavior that fateful day fifty years ago, this wasn’t her temperament, not then nor now. My mother is loving, sweet, kind, gentle, meek, non-judgmental, generous, compassionate, soft spoken, always believing the best in others, and a lifelong devoted Catholic. Yet, this woman’s decisions, and her inability to protect us, have caused me my deepest wounds. Furthermore, she has never told my brother and I why she chose to divorce my dad, other than she was young when she married him —she was 22—and she realized she didn’t love him. But she added, “You will be better off growing up without him living in the same house with us.” After my dad left our family home, we only spent Sundays with him until we were 18 years old. He picked us up in the morning, we attended mass, had breakfast with friends, did something fun in the afternoon, either cooked dinner at his house or went out for dinner, which was followed by bringing us home to our mother’s house. There were many tearful good-byes sitting in his parked car out front of the house. My brother and I would eventually enter my mother’s house with slumped shoulders and red eyes, whereupon I would scowl at my smiling mother and walk right past her.
My mother remarried three years after my father moved out of the house. There is much I could say about this period of our lives, but I will leave it out. There is much I could say about the first two years of their new marriage, but most significantly, a terrible fight occurred between my brother and our stepdad, which was followed by my brother immediately leaving our childhood home and permanently living with our father from that day forward. My pregnant mother stood silently and watched this fight unfold, as I witnessed it too. Shouldn’t parents protect their children? She had two children with her new husband and somewhere along the way she was granted an annulment from the Catholic Church.
My father never remarried. He never spoke ill of her, always showed her respect, and, I believe, loved her to the day he died, which was only ten years after their separation. He was 51 years old. I was 23 and my brother was 20. I immediately moved into my father’s house to care for my brother. But at 20 he did not want his “big sister” looking after him. He finally had his freedom. I could tell you numerous stories about my brother’s issues with alcohol, drugs, and the law, but you get the picture. I moved out after only four months and left my out-of-control brother to his own devices. This has come to be one of my deepest regrets.
Some step parents love their step children. Some step children love their step parents. This can result in a happy new family. The loving step parent can be a good and positive fit for the surviving family. I have told many people over the years that it is vital for the future step parent to love the future step children just as much as they love their mother or father, as well as the step children to love their future step parent. I have never felt loved by my mother’s husband. We have never bonded. If he does love me he does not show it. He was a bad fit from the beginning and did not have the knowledge, wisdom, patience, love, experience, or aptitude to parent my brother and I. There have been numerous hurtful episodes that have occurred since my youth, which have continued to this year, but I will leave out those details too. Yet, with God’s grace, I have come to love my mother’s husband. My mother and her husband have been married for forty-six years now. She tells me she is happy. She and I have remained close all these years. Out of love and respect for her, I have lived these past fifty years doing my best, both successfully and unsuccessfully, to quietly hide my feelings of hurt, shame, and disappointment from her. Over the years, we have had our share of conversations where I have tried to tell her how I feel. Respectfully, she has told me that these are old events of the past and that I need to figure out how to get over them.
Divorce robs children of their sweet God given innocence and vividly teaches them the feelings of anger, hate, shame, insecurity, abandonment, loneliness, betrayal, guilt and remorse, as well as to be judgmental. Divorce creates an environment of mistrust and alters our relationship with Father God and Mother Mary. Divorce creates confusion understanding love when we are young and in adulthood. And, it causes confusion with what is appropriate with other people and ourselves. I am sure there is more that can be added to this list. I felt all of this as a child and into my young adulthood.
As a teenager I had vowed to myself that I would prefer to stay lonely the rest of my life than go through another divorce. The pain of my parent’s divorce made me afraid to make any mistakes. As a youth, I witnessed the havoc of my mother’s poor choices. So I carefully thought about my decisions, always afraid to make a mistake.
I did not abandon my faith as a young adult. Questioned my faith…yes. Simplified my faith…had to. I was very confused. I simplified my faith by focusing my relationship on Jesus Christ alone. Right or wrong, that is what I had to do. My twenties were hard, confusing, lonely, and I was quite uncertain about the direction my life was taking. Regardless of my efforts, the direction of my life seemed to be heading on its own path. I prayed and cried a lot. I spent a lot of time alone walking on beaches staring at the sea; thinking, planning, praying. It gave me solace.
As a young woman in my twenties, I frequently prayed to Jesus that He would bring me a good man to be my husband. My prayers were finally answered the year I turned thirty. I married my husband when I was thirty-one. My husband and I have been married for thirty-one happy, as well as challenging, years. We have an adult son. My family of three has been a wonderfully healing experience for me. It has taught me a lot about what a loving and supportive family should look like, showed me what is good and true, helped me make straight my relationship with God, allowed me to lower my defenses and know that I am loved and safe. My husband is Catholic and we raised our son Catholic.
My mother has apologized to me more than once for the hurt she has caused me, but with it came her justification, which really hurts. In life, more often than not, we don’t get the apology that is due to us. And when we do, it frequently falls short of the words you need to hear. I have come to realize, for my personal situation, there are no words big enough, or deep enough, or sincere enough to compensate for what has been stolen from my brother and me. With this realization, I finally stopped asking for the words that do not exist. My pastor said during the forgiveness retreat, “It takes one to forgive. And it takes two for reconciliation. One can forgive without reconciliation, but one cannot have reconciliation without forgiveness.” My mother has given me love, compassion and support my entire life. I think she believes we are reconciled to one another. I need to reconcile myself with this realization and release her. Only with my willingness to finally forgive, with God’s mercy, will I be able to move forward and begin true healing.
Much of life is a mystery. I have asked myself, “Why?” I have asked myself, “Why do people do what they do?” I have asked myself, “Why did this event happen?” I have deeply contemplated the “whys” in my life for fifty years. Sometimes I have an epiphany. Sometimes I have a fleeting moment of clarity. Sometimes God gives me the grace to understand. With age I have come to realize that much of my “whys” are unanswerable questions with no human knowing the answers. I now release them to God and pray I find peace with not knowing the answers in this lifetime. Yes, much of life is a mystery.
On the first evening of the Forgiveness retreat in 2021 my pastor told us that most people want to forgive but don’t know how to go through this process. That was so me! I had been carrying around anger in my heart for a very long time. My father was my hero…I adored him. Forgiveness somehow seemed disloyal to him, my brother, and to myself. I felt if I held onto my pain and suffering that I was somehow honoring us; honoring what we three had gone through together and the wounds we carried separately. I admit this to you now, but those feelings were pretty messed up. They speak of hopelessness and lack trust and faith in Christ’s ability to heal me. Furthermore, I now know that those feelings were the lies of the evil one. But as the years passed, and the pain from my wounds seemed to become more vivid, I knew deep down that I had to release this pain somehow where I may arrive at a place of peace and healing. And, I knew deep down that the key to peace and healing was forgiving my mother and her husband. I just did not know how to forgive.
The first night of the retreat my pastor provided us with a handout (a version of which is available in a newsletter format here), which had two columns, which read, “Forgiveness is not.” and, “Forgiveness is.”
I was blown away…
FORGIVENESS IS NOT…
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is not condoning.
Forgiveness is not a form of absolution.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not done for the offender.
Forgiveness does not release the offender from all obligations.
Forgiveness is not a pretense.
Forgiveness is not once-and-for-all event or action.
Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness.
Forgiveness does not entail a loss of face.
Forgiveness does not dissipate all the feelings of anger immediately.
Forgiveness is not simply a brutal act of the will.
FORGIVENESS IS…
Forgiveness is a process.
Forgiveness is a form of realism.
Forgiveness is done for oneself.
Forgiveness is setting oneself free to live in the present.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to take revenge on our offenders.
Forgiveness allows us to accept inner peace.
Forgiveness is choosing freedom over captivity.
Forgiveness allows us to realize that we are more than victims of abuse and injustice.
Forgiveness is a decision that we have done enough hiding, suffering, and hating.
Forgiveness frees us from painful memories and destructive impulses.
Forgiveness recognizes that the scars, which are left behind can become even stronger than the original tissue.
Forgiveness is a sign and a cause of positive self-esteem.
Forgiveness allows us to love ourselves again.
Forgiveness is discovered when we allow the healing to take place.
Forgiveness is not something that we do directly but is something that happens to us when we choose freedom.
Forgiveness helps us to be creative and enter into life-giving relationships again.
Forgiveness gives us both a power and a freedom over ourselves and over others.
Forgiveness divests oneself of the desire for revenge and retribution.
Forgiveness takes time.
Forgiveness is a personal decision to step out of the “prison cell of unforgiveness.”
Forgiveness is a process that has clear stages.
Forgiveness puts us on the journey to a joyful heart.
After the five illuminating sessions of the retreat I followed the steps of forgiveness my pastor outlined. I dug deep in prayer, went to mass and reconciliation, and right before Easter I forgave my mother and her husband. It was a huge relief to let go of years of unforgiveness and hand it over to Christ. That Easter I was at peace and in communion with Christ! I experienced my own resurrection!
I did not know then what would happen in the wake of forgiveness. Two years have passed since then and the Lord’s mercy and grace has poured out on me!
“The Lord said to me (Paul), “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
After forgiveness, I first noticed new love and compassion growing for my mother and her husband, as well as praying for them in a new way. As the months passed, my relationship with Father God, Jesus Christ, and, in particular, the Holy Spirit, expanded exponentially. It was like a door in my heart opened and the Lord’s love and communion flooded in. I specifically asked the Holy Spirit to be in my mind, my mouth, and in my heart and make them Holy. I asked the Holy Spirit to be in my ears where I may hear his movements and teach me his ways. And as an avid hiker, I asked the Holy Spirit to be in my legs, feet and body where I may stand on sacred ground and hike up a mountain in holiness to be with God. This simple prayer has been powerful in my life.
A year after forgiveness I was graced with a visit from my dad while in a dream state. It had been thirty-nine years since he had died. He came to me as a man in his youth in a beautiful luminous state. I held each side of his face where I may take in his expressions. Peace be with you, I love you, and, I have never left you, were his silent messages to me. I knew he was with Christ in Heaven and I was looking at him through the veil between my world and God’s!
Later that year I felt the movement of the Holy Spirit call me closer to the Blessed Sacrament and asked me to be a Eucharist Minister, which I am now and love this ministry. I cried the first time I held the ciborium in my hand and held up the Blessed Sacrament and said to the parishioner, “The Body of Christ.”
And in the fall of 2022 I attended a Life Giving Wound’s retreat. I was very specific on what I wanted to address on the retreat: How do I stop the debilitating memories from my wounds holding me captive sometimes for days? For the past fifty years, a hurtful event, a fight, abusive yelling, or nasty comments among family members would send me spiraling down into my wounds and darkness. I could be held there for days silently suffering, yet doing my best to function through my days in a seemingly normal fashion trying to hide my pain from others. Eventually, the darkness would release me.
At my Life-Giving Wounds retreat there was a presenter who was a Catholic psychologist as well as an adult child of divorce. Her presentation pierced me and resonated in such a deep place in my soul. I set an appointment with her where I asked her for instruction on how to handle my ongoing problem with my wounds. I am beyond grateful for her guidance, love, and council that weekend. It has helped and blessed me more than I can express.
I concluded the retreat on fire with the Holy Spirit, and right away at home the Holy Spirit created the moments in deep prayer for me to address these wounds. I asked Christ to be with me and show me where he was in my wounded memories. I scanned the images in my mind, the all too familiar scenes from where I stood in my memory, and there He was! In one particular memory, my deepest wound, Christ had me speak and then move; this was something I had never thought to do. It was as if I had been frozen these past many years. At the end, Christ pulled my brother to his embrace and motioned me to come to him. I ran to Christ and joined the embrace with my brother and buried my face in Christ’s chest; everything else fell away. I felt Christ’s love and protection for my brother and me. It was over. Christ changed the entire narrative of my memory!
It has been since December 2022 when I had my prayerful healing experience. I often think in awe about the immense life altering impact of my prayerful experience with Christ that day; my healing miracle! I sometimes wonder if my wounded memories will haunt me again someday, but incidents have occurred since then while my resolve and healing have held firm. Praise the Lord!
My 62-year-old eyes look forward a lot more than they look back these days. I feel immense gratitude, peace, mercy, protection, relief, awe, love, and blessing. I know my family of origin is the same and I am the one who has changed. I know that there may be more incidents with needed forgiveness. But I am now equipped to face them. And I need to remind myself to remain in forgiveness. But yes, the other side of forgiveness is so beautiful!
What I just described did not come easy or overnight. No, it was work. Sometimes it was really hard work. It was three years of my life. It has been countless baby steps led by the Lord that brought me to this moment of healing. It included a few gallons of tears, hundreds of miles of hiking, hours of prayer, learning how to really listen to God for the first time in my life, time with a therapist and a spiritual director, a lot of reading, Eucharistic Adoration, questioning myself, ”What is my contribution, my sin, in this mess?,” followed by some hard truthful soul searching. I had meetings with my priest, went to reconciliation, and finally gave true forgiveness. This was my path, my journey.
It all began with a whisper from God, “Be still and listen.” I heard it in my heart and soul. It was sudden and understood without question. Over a handful of mornings, while sitting outside drinking coffee listening to the birds sing their morning song, God said again, “Be still and listen.” It was March of 2020; Covid had just shut down our world. God said again, “Be still and listen.” God wanted my undivided attention. So He got it. He led me to my happy place on a mountain and let me cry it out. I even threw rocks in fits of rage. Yes, he had my attention and I knew he was listening to me. He patiently waited until I shed my last exhausted tear then he spoke and I listened. I always descended off the mountain in peace and I felt like a new woman. During Covid some people learned to bake bread, some planted gardens, others drank too much wine. My Covid experience was time with Father God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, fully aware that they were changing me. I became like the unrelenting child who asks too many questions. But my unrelenting was a prayer, “Heal my heart, Lord. Please heal my heart.” He did it when he knew I was ready. I had to do the work too. This is my truth. This has been my journey. The journey was grand and grace filled! And I know that my conversion is not over…the Lord and I are just getting started. Praise God!
I pray for you that my words, my life’s journey to this moment, may bring you a little closer to your healing, and that you will consider forgiving those in your life whom you need to forgive. May God be with you and his peace reign in your heart.
My love to all of you.
TMCH
Additional Resources:
1.) FATHER BRENDAN McGUIRE, YouTube ST. SIMON’S PRESENTATIONS, FORGIVENESS RETREAT
2.) FATHER BRENDAN McGUIRE, FORGIVENESS RETREAT HANDOUTS: https://stsimon.church/project/forgiveness-a-journey-from-hurt-to-freedom/
Intercessory Prayer
Saint Maria Goretti, patron of forgiveness and mercy, pray for us.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Have you forgiven anyone of a deep wound caused to you? If so, who was that person and what was that experience like? Can you use it as a model to forgive others in your life?
What stood out to you most from the author’s journey of forgiveness? Can you think of ways to apply it to your life?
The author described suffering from debilitating memories from her wounds that would hold her captive for sometimes days. Is this something that you have experienced? If so, have you asked the Lord to be with you during those memories and help you?
Towards the end of the article, the author asked herself a question: ”What is my contribution, my sin, in this mess?” Have you asked yourself similar questions and explored them with our Lord?
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