Insights from Attachment Theory for Adult Children of Divorce (Part 3: The Neurobiology of Attachment)
Bouguereau, William-Adolphe. (1868). La grappe de raisin / The-bunch-of-grapes [Painting]. Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
As we continue our four-part series on Attachment Theory, we will now explore the unique relationship between our mind and body, particularly when it comes to the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology. As an interdisciplinary field, Interpersonal Neurobiology draws together insights from Biology and Psychology in the context of human relationships. These insights have been made accessible by experts like Dr. Dan Siegel, the author of numerous books including, The Whole Brain Child, No Drama Discipline, and Parenting from the Inside Out, as well as many other experts like Dr. Allan Schore, Dr. Stephen Porges, and Dr. Pat Ogden, who all have written books published under the Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology. Given the complexity of this interdisciplinary approach and since the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology incorporates terminology from Neuroscience, Psychology, and Biology, I thought it could be helpful to choose a few key terms and concepts and explore how they relate to our reflection on attachment.
1.) Our nervous system is linked to our experiences of emotion and attachment.
Our nervous system is what connects the brain and body, via the spinal cord and allows for the healthy functioning, for movement, and for sensory processing. Within the nervous system, our autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates our breathing, blood pressure, sexual desire, digestion, and other aspects of our body. It is further divided into the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. As we know, emotions can be accompanied by physiological changes like sweating, pupil dilation, and muscle tension. The sympathetic nervous system activates these reactions and the parasympathetic nervous system slows down such reactions, like the heartbeat. How we feel in our body reflects how we feel in the world around us, including in our relationships. For those who have suffered attachment injuries and trauma, relationships themselves can be stressful, triggering experiences which activate our nervous system.
The amygdala is the part of the brain that is responsible for sensing danger and sounding the alarm of threat. The amygdala is part of the Limbic System, which is the part of our brain that processes emotions and memories. It is one of the first parts of the brain to already be functioning shortly after birth (Poisonous Parenting, Dunham (2011) p.65-66). In comparison to the amygdala, which is present early on, it will take over two decades for the child’s prefrontal cortex to fully form. Alan Rutherford, Licensed Professional Counselor, highlights nine functions of the prefrontal cortex, including attuned emotional communication, emotional regulation, empathy, and greater awareness of moral values (https://www.alanrutherfordlpc.com/resources/nine-functions-of-the-prefrontal-cortex).
While the infant already has everything necessary to detect the difference between safety and danger, the infant does not yet have the ability to calm itself in distress or to regulate its own emotions. The infant’s nervous system is vulnerable to stressors and can be damaged. That is why affect regulation, and in particular co-regulation between a parent and child, is so important. The adult brain makes up for what the infant brain lacks. That is also why attachment disruptions, even in this pre-verbal stage, are so detrimental.
2.) The Polyvagal Theory offers a helpful framework for understanding our nervous system.
The Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Steven Porges, gives a framework for understanding various mechanisms of survival and how we interact with our environment. It examines the role of the nervous system in greater detail, showing how there are three main pathways of reaction. In The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy (2018), Deb Dana explains that these three pathways are the “dorsal vagus (immobilization), the sympathetic nervous system (mobilization), and the ventral vagus (social engagement and connection).” (p.4) Dr. Steven Porges also coined the term, “Neuroception” to describe how our body’s autonomic nervous system is attending to signs and cues of danger or safety both in the world around us and in relationships, even beyond our conscious awareness (Dana, 2018).
We know that emotions such as fear can activate the sympathetic nervous system with the fight or flight response. This is often referred to as arousal because the body is exhibiting certain physiological symptoms of emotion. Think of it as the difference between a calm lake with still water versus a choppy lake with wind and waves. Neurobiology teaches us that arousal “has the potential to permanently alter the developing child’s delicate nervous system,” because of the neurochemical cortisol which can damage the body (Dunham, p.66).
It is important to understand that the ventral vagus pathway is necessary for attachment security to exist. As Dana explains:
The ventral vagal pathway responds to cues of safety and supports feelings of being safely engaged and socially connected. In contrast, the dorsal vagal pathway responds to cues of extreme danger. It takes us out of connection, out of awareness, and into a protective state of collapse. When we feel frozen, numb, or “not here,” the dorsal vagus has taken control. (p.9)
We cannot simultaneously be in a place of mobilization, due to the activation of our sympathetic nervous system, and in a state of social connection. In other words, we cannot at the same time be calm and connected as well as afraid and withdrawing. The challenge for any child, including the young infant, is the need for attachment security and safety. Parental divorce, with its accompanying negative emotions, is more likely to activate the sympathetic nervous system and the dorsal vagal pathway than the ventral vagus pathway necessary for safety and connection.
3.) Affect regulation, attunement, and integration are all important components of attachment and healing from the trauma of parental divorce.
Affect regulation refers to the ability to shift from one emotional state to another—typically from distress or agitation to feeling soothed and calm, as well as the ability to communicate one’s feelings to others. It is often used interchangeably with the term “Emotional Regulation,” and is a necessary skill to develop. Dr. Sue Johnson gives a more complete definition in these words:
Regulation is the ability to access and attend to a range of emotions, clearly identify those motions, modify them by either reducing or amplifying them in oneself and another, and then use them to ascertain meaning, as well as to guide our thinking and actions in a way that suits our priorities in different situations (Attachment Theory in Practice, p.47)
Co-regulation occurs when the caregiver is able to communicate a calming, soothing presence to the distressed child who is then comforted and consoled. John Bowlby and other attachment researchers have demonstrated the significant relationship between attachment and emotional regulation. In order to feel safe and secure, infants must have access to a responsive and attuned caregiver. It is a neurobiological necessity.
As we get older, we become more capable of learning self-regulation skills and finding ways to soothe ourselves in distress. In The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy, Dana (2018) offers suggestions of how to transition from the pathway of the dorsal vagal freeze/collapse state and the sympathetic fight/flight state to the ventral vagal state. Certain activities, such as singing or humming, can actually stimulate the vagus nerve and help mitigate a stress response in the body (p.149-150). There are plenty of ways we can try to manage stress, like through exercise, being outside in nature, or being creative; however, we still have a need for emotional connection with others.
Emotional connection is made possible through attunement, which is the ability of one person to recognize and adjust to the emotional state of another. Attunement relies on neurobiological processes that connect two people to each other. A great help in this process are mirror neurons, which allow us to feel what another is feeling. Dr. Sue Johnson (2018) explains how, “our nervous systems are set up to be exquisitely sensitive to emotional nonverbal cues from others, especially cues such as facial expression and tone of voice. We are then programmed to mirror or imitate these cues, for example, with our facial muscles and, via the mirror neurons” which allow us, "to feel in our own bodies what we see in others.” (Attachment Theory in Practice, p.35). Mirror neurons are responsible for the mimicking/imitation behavior of children and the “interpersonal resonance” of feeling what the other feels, a quality necessary for empathic connection, as Brandt, et al. (2014) points out in Infant and Early Childhood Mental Health, (p.133).
Our emotions are somewhat of a mystery. Not only can we feel emotions within ourselves, we can also sense those of other people. At the same time, our emotional reactions and physiological responses are to some degree beyond our control and can even escape from our awareness. In fact, with regards to the emotion of love, Dr. Allan Schore (2019) writes, “one of the major findings of science is that many of the essential processes involved in love operate at rapid time frames, unconsciously, at levels beneath awareness.” (Right Brain Psychotherapy, p.165) Due to the fact that the body-mind connection can at times escape our own awareness, we can have implicit memories, sometimes called non-verbal memories, or experience fragmented sensations and images that return after many years, as do people who experience flashbacks.
Implicit memories often contain emotional content and can impact our behavior, even if not explicitly recalled as an event from the past. For some, attachment relationships can hold implicit memories that are categorized as unsafe, making it harder to form attachments with others in the present. Relational trauma and attachment injury, even from a very early age, can significantly impact a person throughout life. In fact, it can create a sense of brokenness, or a sense of disunity in oneself that may feel like one’s life has various pieces that do not fit together. That is why an important sign of healing and maturity is integration.
Integration is a process of bringing various parts into a whole, so that they work together. In particular, integration in psychology often refers to the unification of mind, body, and emotion as well as the ability to understand and accept the various aspects of one’s past in the present.
Integration often comes about through the ability to understand one’s own life narrative and share it with others. Dr. Robert Muller (2018) calls such sharing a “growthful telling,” of one’s painful past which can lead to “gaining greater clarity on core values, inner strengths, and vulnerabilities.” (Trauma and the Struggle to Open Up, p.25). In such a beautiful and descriptive way, Dr. Gretchen Schmelzer (2018) writes about integration of one’s personal narrative as creating a “mosaic” from all the various pieces. She calls this process, “restorying” and explains how it is “a conversation between yourself and each of the fragments that will make up the whole mosaic of a story that you create for yourself through this healing journey.” (Journey Through Trauma, p.33).
This process of sharing one’s story is a way to work at integration that is very important. In fact, according to Dr. Schmelzer, "psychology researchers can identify adults who have had healthy, secure attachments or who have healed their trauma by the coherence of their narratives of their lives. And this coherence isn’t just something that’s nice to have—it is one of the biggest predictors of whether parents can pass on secure attachments to their children” (Journey Through Trauma, p.33-34). The work of integration is often facilitated through the help of a therapist or a trusted, close relationship, and is also made possible through the brain’s ability to continue to develop and change. Elkins (2016) notes that this ability is referred to as neural plasticity and explains why psychotherapy can be so impactful and why attachment injuries do not have to predict all future relationships. Our brains are literally wired, “with the ability to give and receive emotional healing through social means.” (The Human Elements of Psychotherapy, p.58). Every human being needs safe relationships and for those who have experienced attachment disruptions, relational trauma, or other forms of significant disconnection, having at least one safe relationship is so crucial to healing.
Life-Giving Wounds can help you on your healing journey by giving you the opportunity to reflect upon your own story, and if you choose, share that story with others. Know that you are not alone. Throughout the year, Life-Giving Wounds offers retreats, support groups, book studies and other resources to help adult children of divorce. For those who have already attended a retreat or support group, the Life-Giving Wounds online community through Mighty Networks is also a great way to continue to connect with others. Jesus knows how to heal wounded hearts and He is waiting for a deeper relationship with you. In the final part of our four-part series on attachment we will look more closely at how to form a strong relationship and secure attachment with God.
Intercessory Prayer:
Saint Dymphna, patron saint of nervous disorders and mental disease, pray for Adult Children of Divorce.
About the Author:
Emily Rochelle graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville with a Master’s in Catechesis and Evangelization in 2021. Having experienced her parents’ divorce while she was in elementary school, Emily has a heart of compassion for those who suffer and a deep desire to bring the healing love of Christ into people’s lives. She lives in Wisconsin with her husband.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
What types of activities or skills have you found helpful in regulating your emotions when stressed or in distress? How are you with Affect, or Emotional, Regulation? Is it something you need to work on? [Note: Life-Giving Wounds does have a list of resources for Adult Children of Divorce which includes counseling resources and mental health resources.]
Reflecting on what Emily taught in the above insight, how do you think your parents' divorce impacted you psychologically? Did anything in this article resonate with you?
Do you experience implicit memories? If so, what are they and what feelings arise? In what ways are your feelings, thoughts, or memories (whether implicit or explicit) communicating to you something about your parents' divorce and being an adult child of divorce?
Throughout the day, how often do you notice a shift in your emotional states between feeling calm and connected (ventral vagal pathway), feeling emotionally aroused like in a fight or flight situation (sympathetic pathway) or feeling shut down and numb (dorsal vagal pathway)? Do you notice certain patterns which lead to those changes of state?
Is there anyone in your life with whom you have formed a secure attachment and you can turn to in times of need? If so, what is it like to reach out to this person and receive support? If not, could you identify one person who might be willing to support you?