Dating as an ACOD and as a 32 Year Old Hopeful
Yiannis Theologos Michellis’ Kyoto Date Night, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons
My apple watch went off two hours before my date. “Your heart rate is high,” it read.
I kept taking deep breaths, trying to steady my heart and my mind. Jesus I trust in You, take care of everything, I repeated in my head. It’s just a date, I kept thinking. But to me, an adult child of divorce, it was so much more.
This was my first date in six years. After my dad left our family, I shoved any desire to date as far down as my heart would allow. I would always shake my head and roll my eyes whenever someone brought up dating. It felt like dating was something that came so easy to everyone else, but not to me.
I had a priest friend of mine walk up to me and say “I’ve been praying for your future husband!” Immediately, I started to tear up. “Don’t do that. You are wasting your time,” I snapped. The sentiment meant so much to me, but I was struggling in that moment with my desire. The path to get there has not been easy, making it feel utterly impossible at times.
My thoughts are often the same, which leads me to spiral and to feel utterly hopeless. I have struggled with thoughts such as:
I am in my mid thirties. It would have happened already.
No one is going to understand my wounds from my parents’ divorce.
If my last boyfriend broke up with me because he did not understand my wounds, what makes me think another boyfriend will not do the same?
I do not want to get hurt.
I am better off alone.
God made me unlovable.
What if my husband ends up mirroring the actions of my dad?
I have tried Catholic dating apps, countless young adult groups, and even looked open at Church. No one has approached me. I am not meant for romantic love. I am not a desirable spouse.
I have missed my calling to marriage.
God has abandoned me.
Sometimes I feel like God is dangling the vocation of marriage in front of my face like a carrot, with no plans to fulfill it. I have watched countless friends meet their person. I have been excited to accompany them as they prepare for the sacrament of marriage. I have held their hands at bachelorette parties and danced with them the morning of their wedding, wondering if I would ever have a turn to be the one in white getting my hair done.
During the Year of Hope, we had an opportunity to gain incredible graces that will not always be accessible to us. I made a point to change my habits. For example, I started taking care of my body in a God-given way. I learned the importance of sleep and how your body craves movement. I made drastic changes to my prayer life. I started going to Confession once a week and noticed patterns where sin reared its ugly head the most. Despair and cynicism are two sins that I struggle with the most, and I know these are due to the wounds of rejection and abandonment I have experienced from my dad leaving. I have worked with priests, dove into scripture, and turned to the Life-Giving Wounds community for support. We are not meant to fight our sins alone.
Not all of us are promised marriage. But we are promised a wonderful life if we continue to follow God. He wants us to seek out his Will, and sometimes that means making us uncomfortable while we wait for His promise. I am going to continue to strive for holiness, not marriage, and hope my desires will align with the Lord’s.
Here are some things that have helped me “get back in the saddle” in regards to dating as an adult child of divorce:
Always start with a FaceTime conversation if you meet on an app, before meeting in person. Dating is a nerve wracking thing, and chatting first in a low pressure situation is a good way to test whether or not you are a good fit. Nothing is worse than sitting down for a meal with someone you just met, even though you knew immediately the vibes were off. Stack the facetime after something holy, like Mass, so the graces of Mass are present and help you with discernment.
Be intentional in prayer when you start going on dates. You must consult the Lord with the ones you meet, even if it is only for one date!
Pray for those that you leave. But pray even harder for those that have left you. I have said a fifty-four day rosary novena for a boyfriend who broke up with me, and I asked Mary to show me why we would have never worked out. It did not take long for her to answer my request. The graces that this gave me were amazing!
Satan wants nothing more than to squash the vocation and beauty of the Sacrament of Marriage. For so many years I felt undeserving of it. If you start to despair, reject the despair in the name of Jesus. Immediately He will come to your aid.
Talk to trusted, holy friends about your desires and struggles in dating. God uses our friends to speak to us. Print out their words of encouragement and look at them often. We are not meant to suffer in silence as ACODs.
Remember that time is so important. Relationships that turn into marriage are not meant to be rushed or hurried. It takes time to get to know someone and their true intentions. Guard your heart. Emotional chastity is beautiful and worth holding on to.
Holy marriages for adult children of divorce exist. This community is living proof of that. If you have the desire to be married and are struggling, do not be afraid to sit with it often. Here are some words I say every day to keep me calm: Lord I place this desire of a holy marriage in your hands. Strengthen it. Purify it. Bring it to fulfillment in a way that leads me to you if it aligns with your will. Amen.
Prayer:
Lord, teach me that love is not defined by what I witnessed, but by the love You revealed on the Cross—faithful, self-giving, and true.
Give me the courage to trust again, the wisdom to discern well, and the patience to grow in virtue as I navigate dating. Help me surrender all my fears to You, the Divine Healer, and grow in virtue as I learn to love the person You created me to be. Amen.
About the Author:
Hope hails from Atlanta and is happy in her southern sunny home. In her spare time, she enjoys sewing, journaling, singing, attending Jonas Brothers concerts, and riding the Peloton. She is grateful to be involved with Life-Giving Wounds and is thankful for the continued healing she has received through the community.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
What counsel would you give to ACODs discerning and preparing for the sacrament of marriage?
What thoughts keep coming up in your mind, like those of Hope that caused her “to spiral and to feel utterly hopeless?”
If you are currently dating, in what ways has the secular culture discouraged you with dating, and how might the Church’s teachings or works help you respond to those challenges?
What are some ways the Church can better help prepare ACODs for the vocation of marriage?
Healing happens when we journey together.
If Hope’s reflection resonated with you, consider joining a Life-Giving Wounds retreat or support group this fall. You do not have to carry the darkness alone.
Together, we can walk into the light.