This is a poem about my parents’ divorce. The title “Flight 1015” refers to their wedding anniversary on October 15th and in the poem their love is metaphorically described as both the turbulence and the airplane itself. The poem is also a modern dialogue with Robert Frost’s famous poem about marriage entitled “The Master Speed.”

Between Two Worlds is not a hateful attack against parents who did divorce (and neither is this review), but it is a strong cautionary warning to those who seek to minimize or invalidate the wounds of adult children of divorce, wounds that deserve recognition, validation, and most importantly, compassionate understanding so that healing can begin. Because after all, adult children of divorce deserve no less of a quality life than any other human being. But this realization can be hard for an adult child of divorce to embrace because they have often been asked to sacrifice or settle on their own expectations for their lives, starting from the moment of their parents’ divorce.

One of the most common requests we receive in Life-Giving Wounds ministry is that we speak more to the issue of annulments. Even though this would be a great topic for a support group meeting (and may well be addressed in that format in the future), I thought I’d share my own thoughts on the matter. In this post, I hope to provide a few pointers and some encouragement.

Spiritual direction is the art of guiding someone or being guided to greater growth in the spiritual life and ultimately to the goal of becoming the saint that God has created each one of us to be. Put simply: our goal in this life is to get to Heaven, become holy, and enjoy eternal happiness, and a spiritual director helps us to get there. The true spiritual director is the Holy Spirit, and so both the spiritual director and the directee must be in relationship with the Holy Spirit through prayer and the sacraments to be able to listen to His voice and follow where He is leading.

As many of you can surely relate, my relationship with my mom was never easy. I struggled with how to relate to her, agonized over her health, and beat myself up for never “feeling” love towards her. But one thing I have learned throughout this whole ordeal, that I will likely need to be reminded of many times, is that love is an act of the will. Feelings are a side-benefit. I rarely felt excited or looked forward to calling my mom on Sundays. But I did it, and this act showed my love towards her, even though I did not feel it. 

The year we got married, Dan’s parents completed their divorce proceedings, which had begun more than a decade earlier when they separated while he was in middle school. It felt ironic and deeply sad that we were beginning our life together as his parents were definitively ending theirs. And it caused some anxiety in us: Could we make it work? Would we last?

Mary Magdalene is an excellent example of healing and transformation through mission. Her wounds did not disappear after the Lord’s forgiveness, but were used as a wellspring for love and her mission from our Lord. When your wounds seem overwhelming, do not despair, but turn to Mary Magdalene. She will show you where to point your feet.

There are only a few memories I can recall to explore the day my father left our house. These are expressed in the first sonnet: The Loss. It reflects a memory of events that culminated in the day my dad left the house where our family lived. The second sonnet, The Suffering, covers the period of my adolescence through early adulthood. The third sonnet, The Healing, opens with an allusion to The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila; this is a work I confess to having not yet read, but I have heard numerous talks on the Saint and her work on inner prayer. The second stanza of the third sonnet begins by referencing a song by Life Giving Wounds team member and musician Michael Corsini called Waiting in the Wound. This song had a profound impact upon me when I went on the Life Giving Wounds retreat and I still will listen to it and meditate when the mood arises.

Music became a way for me not only to relive and dwell on my brokenness, but a place of healing where the melody of God’s Word filled the emptiness of my heart. My soul was like a dry, parched land, and music became the rain that soaked me to my core. Music became an oasis and a refuge. Even to this day, in my moments of deepest darkness and despair, when nothing else seems to be able to bring me peace, if I turn to music, the Truth soaks me through and soothes my wounds. When I cannot see the Truth on my own, I allow God to sing His Truth over me, again and again.

Knowing that I am made in the image and likeness of God brings a lot of comfort on the days that I don’t feel like I know who (or Whose) I am. I can still struggle in understanding my identity because of what happened with my parents, but now I’m in a much better place.

The phenomenon known as “gray divorce” — when couples older than 50 end their marriage — has grown dramatically in the past few decades. Since the 1990s, the divorce rate has doubled for Americans over 50, and tripled for those over 65. And the trend doesn’t seem to be abating any time soon.

What about the children in these situations, like Bruce? They are young adults or adults themselves, perhaps out of the home or getting ready to “launch.” How does their parents’ split affect them?

I often forget I was once a child
So fragile in a large world
I wore tiny clothes
And dresses that twirled
I often forget what a whole home is like
Held hands around a table
Space to come undone in
A family that is stable 

When I try to think back to my earliest memory, the images that come to mind are not usually something I am excited to remember or share. I see myself as a very little girl (maybe 2? The age at which my dad left?), sitting on the loveseat in our living room, looking out the window….waiting…watching…hoping he shows up…but utterly expectant of the coming disappointment. 

All of us at Life-Giving Wounds were thrilled to launch a chapter in Denver this May! We held a three-day retreat high in the Rocky Mountains May 7-9, with thirty-seven retreatants and a fabulous team of ten from Denver and four of us on the traveling retreat team, from the DC area.

Here are five of my personal takeaways from the retreat weekend: