Who(se) Am I?
Photo by Brett Jordan: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-wooden-scrabble-tiles-on-white-table-7416851/
Identity can be a difficult thing to figure out when you come from a broken home. For as long as I can remember, my identity was to be the peacemaker of the household. As long as I kept smiling and did what I could to pull my parents out of an argument, I was secure in my identity as a good peacemaker. However, when I was a junior in high school, having that as my identity was no longer an option, because my parents separated. It left me lost and trying to find a new foundation and new identity for myself. I ended up basing my identity on how good I was as a friend and how happy I could make my friends. This wasn’t sustainable as an identity either, as friendships don’t always last. When one of my closest friendships ended with no explanation, I discovered how easy it can be to become depressed when you don’t know who you are and where your identity lies outside of what you can do for others.
Losing my identity, my intact family, my grandma (cancer), and that important friendship all in the span of two years sent me into a spiral. I spent several months from the summer after my senior year of high school through the end of my first semester of college severely depressed, to the point of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. My faith life, relationships, and grades suffered because I didn’t have the energy or will to get out of bed.
Thankfully, I ended up meeting some wonderful, faithful Catholics at school, who encouraged me to go to Confession and Mass, and to spend time with them. Knowing that those friends genuinely enjoyed spending time with me and cared about me, and receiving graces from the Sacraments, started me on my journey of healing. I got more involved in my faith and with good friends. In a conversation with one of my friends, she told me about a religious sister at our school who worked with students and helped them heal using the format of Unbound Ministry. She thought it might be something good for me to check out. I ended up meeting with that sister. I talked to her about some of my wounds and some of the guilt that I carried. While we were praying together, she mentioned that she felt that the Father wanted me to come to Him with my struggles, to lay my head on His shoulder like a child and pour my heart out to Him. I left that meeting with so much joy, knowing that my identity is in Christ, that I was made in His image and likeness, and that I had worth because of that, not because of anything that I did or could do for others.
A few months later, someone else that I was praying with brought Isaiah 43 to my attention: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name: you are mine… Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you, I give people in return for you and nations in exchange for your life… All who are called by my name I created for my glory; I formed them, made them.” (Isaiah 43: 1, 4, 7) Knowing that I am made in the image and likeness of God brings a lot of comfort on the days that I don’t feel like I know who (or Whose) I am. I can still struggle in understanding my identity because of what happened with my parents, but now I’m in a much better place. As Pope John Paul II once said, “He has called you and chosen you to live in the freedom of the children of God. Turn to Him in prayer and in love. Ask Him to grant you the courage and strength to live in this freedom always. Walk with Him who is ‘the Way, the Truth, and the Life.’”
Editor’s Note:
If you are depressed and having or have had thoughts of harming yourself or others, or feel like you are experiencing a mental health emergency or mental health crisis, please do any or all of the following:
1. Call 911 or go to the nearest Emergency Department for help and an evaluation
2. Text the Crisis Text Hotline: Text HOME to 741-741
3. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call or text 988
4. Chat with crisis centers around the U.S.: Lifeline Crisis Chat, https://988lifeline.org/chat/
The Dominican Blessing:
May God the Father bless us.
May God the Son heal us.
May God the Holy Spirit enlighten us,
and give us
eyes to see with,
ears to hear with,
hands to do the work of God with,
feet to walk with,
a mouth to preach the word of salvation with,
and the angel of peace to watch over us and lead us at last,
by our Lord's gift, to the Kingdom.
Amen.
(The above prayer was found on the Dominican Sisters of Springfield, Illinois website here.)
About the author:
Erin is a graduate of Franciscan University. She currently resides in New York, where she works in administration at a chiropractic office. She is a contributor to the book Primal Loss and was a guest on the Restored Ministry podcast. She attended her first Life-Giving Wounds retreat online in the fall of 2020 and it made a huge impact on her life. In her free time, she enjoys reading, watching movies, going hiking and camping with her friends, and spending time with her dog Troy.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
When you were growing up, and within the context of your family life, how did you see your identity? What labels did you place on yourself, or would you place upon yourself then, now?
Do you identify with the label Peacemaker? If so, what was your experience? If not, what would you identify with regarding the role you felt you played growing up?
Where did you feel that your identity came from growing up? Was it your peers/friends?
Reflect again on these two sentences: “While we were praying together, she mentioned that she felt that the Father wanted me to come to Him with my struggles, to lay my head on His shoulder like a child and pour my heart out to Him. I left that meeting with so much joy, knowing that my identity is in Christ, that I was made in His image and likeness, and that I had worth because of that, not because of anything that I did or could do for others.” Do you feel the Lord calling you in any way? Do you have any nudges of the heart?