I was at a crossroads. My heart ached for this love to be true, I wanted so badly to believe it was for me, but I was so scared what that might mean. How silly! My life had changed 180 degrees over those 7 years, so what the heck was I waiting for? What was I scared of? I was scared that God would change his mind, like I thought love did when my parents divorced when I just a baby...

As many of you can surely relate, my relationship with my mom was never easy. I struggled with how to relate to her, agonized over her health, and beat myself up for never “feeling” love towards her. But one thing I have learned throughout this whole ordeal, that I will likely need to be reminded of many times, is that love is an act of the will. Feelings are a side-benefit. I rarely felt excited or looked forward to calling my mom on Sundays. But I did it, and this act showed my love towards her, even though I did not feel it. 

Music became a way for me not only to relive and dwell on my brokenness, but a place of healing where the melody of God’s Word filled the emptiness of my heart. My soul was like a dry, parched land, and music became the rain that soaked me to my core. Music became an oasis and a refuge. Even to this day, in my moments of deepest darkness and despair, when nothing else seems to be able to bring me peace, if I turn to music, the Truth soaks me through and soothes my wounds. When I cannot see the Truth on my own, I allow God to sing His Truth over me, again and again.

Knowing that I am made in the image and likeness of God brings a lot of comfort on the days that I don’t feel like I know who (or Whose) I am. I can still struggle in understanding my identity because of what happened with my parents, but now I’m in a much better place.