The Pitfalls of Perfectionism

“Are you willing to be a candid polaroid in a photoshopped world?”

That’s the line that most caught my attention in a TED-style talk I recently watched by Doug Tooke, called “The Perfection of Imperfection,” part of the OSV Talk series.

Doug’s talk challenged the “ideology” of perfectionism, a focus on external success, which he said leads inevitably to self-criticism and despair. He contrasted perfectionism with “healthy striving,” the internal struggle to better one’s self, while being at peace with one’s imperfections.

I can see these concepts at play both in the men and women who we serve through Life-Giving Wounds, and in the “behind the scenes” work of our ministry.

We know from our work with adult children of divorce – and from research and testimonies – that perfectionism can be a struggle for many men and women from broken homes. Growing up in split families, many children of divorce become what researcher Elizabeth Marquardt calls “little adults,” taking on extra responsibilities for siblings and even their parents as the family is in crisis.[1] They become “resilient” out of necessity, and may strike outsiders as mature beyond their years. This can – somewhat rightly! – become a point of pride for them, being able to “keep it all together” as their family falls apart.

Many children of divorce also try their hardest not to cause any more problems to their parents’ overwhelmed lives. They get good grades, stay out of trouble, and follow the rules (trying hard to remember the different rules for mom’s house and dad’s house). As Marquardt says, they become watchful and vigilant, constantly gauging their parents’ moods, and adjusting themselves to their parents’ different “worlds” in order to feel like they belong there.[2] Having lost their parents together in one home, many children of divorce strive mightily not to do anything that might risk losing a parent’s affection for them.

And we know from those we serve that these attitudes can easily be carried into adulthood. The belief can linger that a successful, put-together life is necessary for earning mom’s or dad’s attention and affection. Or an adult child of divorce may internalize so deeply their “role” as the “put-together one” that any mistake or weakness feels threatening to their very identity.

But, as Doug says in his talk, perfectionism – trying to have it all together, all the time – is a recipe for self-criticism and despair. Beyond that, trying always to appear “okay” means never being able to let our guard down to those deeper feelings of sadness, loss, and abandonment. And that in turn means never truly being able to heal.

In Life-Giving Wounds ministry, we always start with looking at the losses and wounds caused by parental divorce to the children, and especially how the divorce may have affected our identity and ideas about ourselves. To use Doug’s words, we encourage adult children of divorce to take a good hard look beyond their “photoshopped” selves to a real and candid “polaroid” – even more than that, to an X-ray vision that goes into their soul.

We want them to know, it is okay to feel not okay; it is okay to feel hurt by what happened to you in your family; it is okay not to have it all together.

It’s okay to be “imperfect.” It’s okay to be broken.

We want children of divorce to reclaim their deepest identity, which is not found in their family of origin or in whatever role they played in their family, but rather in God’s love for them as his treasured sons and daughters. Our truest identity is found in our baptism, where God claimed us each for his own, to belong to his perfect family.

From there, we can move forward with confidence – as Doug says, with “healthy striving” – to live up to our full potential, not as someone outwardly “perfect,” but as someone following God’s perfect will and knowing that no matter what, we are fully loved by our faithful Father. And – amazingly! – our wounds can then become resources and even gifts, helping us to be more compassionate, to be more intentional about commitment, to greater peace with our true selves.

That’s powerful stuff, worthy of reflection! Especially for those who may be “relearning” an entirely new way to see themselves and a new of “existing” in their family and in the world.

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In a different vein, I also found in Doug’s talk some great insights for how we “do” Life-Giving Wounds ministry. We became a non-profit less than a year ago (July 2020), and we’re very familiar with not being “perfect”! It seems like every day we learn something new – that we didn’t even know we didn’t know!

For my husband Dan and I as cofounders, the process of starting a national non-profit ministry has been an education in humility and our own finitude. The need is so great, with so many men and women who have suffered because of their parents’ divorce…and the time and resources to address their wounds always seem in short supply.

It can be tempting to look at long-established ministries and wish we were “there,” with a well-oiled machine, a large staff, seemingly effortless “reach” and so on!

But as Doug said, we should never wait to be “perfect” in order to start. One of our personal mottos is “never let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” The genesis of Life-Giving Wounds was in seeing a profound need to bring God’s healing to men and women who are adult children of divorce – and that is our driving passion, what keeps us going through all the learning curves and long hours.

“Obedience, not perfection.” For us as ministry leaders, and for any child of divorce who struggles with perfectionism, it’s freeing to focus less on an outward, external image of perfection, and instead concentrate on the “healthy striving” (and sacrifice!) involved in trying to follow God’s perfect will. This may not bring instant or outward “success,” but will always bring peace!

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This post was inspired by Doug Tooke's "The Perfection of Imperfection" Talk in the OSV Talks series, a series of topics from prominent Catholic leaders to spark discussion, explore new or re-explore old approaches, and inspire creative thinking, all from the heart of the Church.

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Bethany Meola is the co-founder and co-director of Life-Giving Wounds. She is a graduate of the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and the Family in Washington, DC, where she met her husband Dan. The Meolas live in Maryland with their two daughters.

[1] See Elizabeth Marquardt, Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, ch. 3.

[2] Marquardt, pp. 29-31.