Remaining Secure in the Father’s Love
James Tissot (French, 1836-1902). Jesus Carried up to a Pinnacle of the Temple (Jésus porté sur le pinacle du Temple), 1886-1894. Opaque watercolor over graphite on gray wove paper, Image: 8 3/4 x 6 1/4 in. (22.2 x 15.9 cm). Brooklyn Museum, Purchased by public subscription, 00.159.52 (Photo: Brooklyn Museum, 00.159.52_PS1.jpg)
“As the Father loves me, so I also love you. Remain in my love.”
*Note: This post may trigger survivors of domestic abuse.
I am taking deep breaths as I write this (during Eucharistic Adoration, as keeping Him with me is the only way that I will be able to write this post), because it will be a testimony of me shedding traumatic events from my childhood. Taking this healing journey has been like gingerly walking across a minefield of memories for me, not sure if going “too far” will end up erupting a Pandora’s box, never to be fully closed again. However, knowing the positive outcome and the key role that a painting in the Life-Giving Wounds Retreat Guide played for me, has motivated me to write this post for any of you for whom my testimony may be of some help in asking Christ to fight your battles with traumatic memories haunting you, and end them for good.
This healing journey has been bittersweet for me. I have come to grips with the fact that I am a survivor of child abuse. The term still brings tears to my eyes and probably will for a very long time, only because it can sometimes make me feel like a broken doll, or what may be a more popular term, “damaged goods.” But just like the inspirational Mrs. Beth Sri so bravely shared in a Life Giving Wounds retreat talk about lies that the devil will try to sow in your mind, I need to remind myself (and those of you reading this who are tempted to believe lies that prompt you to question your own God-given dignity) that the lie that I am broken, “damaged goods,” etc. is from the very pit of hell itself, and in the name of Jesus, I renounce and reject it.
For quite a time, though, I was haunted by memories not only of myself being abused but also by a particularly horrid memory of my sibling (who as a young adult has been diagnosed as autistic) being dragged by the hair from room to room by my mother (who, I have also recently come to understand, suffers from severe mental illness.) The Luke 23:34 Scripture verse, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do” resonates with me on a very deep level, as I have decided to forgive my overtired and overworked single mother for the countless incidents of physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual abuse that she inflicted on both my sibling and me. So, as I delved deep into these memories, knowing that divorce triggered my single mother to take out her frustrations and stress on the easy targets of her children, I frantically asked the Lord, “How on earth do I heal from this?” I was suffering from nightmares, and I was so worried that this would have to be a lifetime cross. Lord, relieve me from this. What shall I do?
Even now, as I write this, my cheeks flush with the heat of reminiscing such horrid trauma, but I march my fingers forward in typing this if it means that my holocaust of a childhood could help anyone reading this. It was hard for me to complete the suggested journaling step of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat, especially to describe 5-10 key memories about my parents’ divorce (the above sticking out as by far the most traumatic one for me). I read somewhere that when a memory keeps replaying, it’s your subconscious self wishing and searching for a moment in which you could have done something different, prevented what was happening, etc. Art Bennett’s talk on the peace of Christ in last fall’s online retreat definitely helped me in setting myself free (through God’s grace, of course) from any guilt that I was subconsciously carrying that my little child self didn’t do enough to protect my sibling.
However, my main purpose for writing this post is to testify to the key role that a painting included in our Life-Giving Wounds Retreat Guide played in my healing. The painting is on page 40, and is entitled, Satan Tries to Tempt Jesus by James Tissot (1895). [Editor’s Note: This painting has been mistitled many places as Satan Tries to Tempt Jesus. The title should be Jesus Carried up to a Pinnacle of the Temple (Jésus porté sur le pinacle du Temple).] Now, you may be thinking, Okay, well, that’s nice that a painting helped, but what does Satan trying to tempt Jesus have anything to do with healing from the scarring, traumatic memories of child abuse? My answer is blunt: Everything. Firstly, those memories – specifically, the one that I shared above – were gripping me just like the outraged, narcissistic, prideful, arrogant Satan who is holding Jesus. Secondly, the wide-eyed, crazed expression on Satan’s face was the same kind of facial expression that roared in my face each time an instance of physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual abuse happened to me. The eyelids being so wide that you can see all around the pupils is an image that touches my innermost well of memories of which my body has kept score… so to say the least, this painting struck me. Turning to the Lord with childlike eyes (I always try to approach Him like a child), I asked Him, “Lord, how did you do it? How did you endure Satan’s grip? Literally and mentally?” His answer came to my mind and heart in this exchange of mental prayer and rescued me at lightning speed: “I remained secure in my Father’s love.”
Wow… okay, Lord. Let’s do this, then. Show me how. I studied His peaceful expression, serene in the midst of Satan’s grip. His hands are folded in prayer, and I knew that prayer would be – had to be – a key part of my healing from these memories’ grip on my mind. The more I get to know the Lord, the more I just love Him. So, long story short, please find below a list of tips that I would like to share with you that helped me remain secure in my Father’s love:
1. Liturgy of the Hours – Steep yourself in prayer throughout the day. No, the Liturgy of the Hours is not just for clergy and those in the religious life to pray. It is for you, too! I subscribe to Morning Offering’s daily email, and all of the prayers for the day (as well as some great extra spiritual reading material!) pop into my inbox every day. The Church Militant will be praying with you, and the Psalms that you will be praying are the very ones that our Lord Himself prayed and will be praying with you, too. Prayer is such an intimate way to invite Him into your healing.
2. Talk to a priest – Find a trusted priest in whom to confide about your healing journey. If you feel like the priests around you are unapproachable, ask the Lord to show you the way to one whom you would be comfortable approaching and one who is capable of receiving your wound. He will pray for you, and he will be a valiant spiritual fighter with you in this war that you are waging against Satan’s grip. Although the Lord has already won the battle, of course, it can help a lot knowing that His representative is praying for you and waging this battle by your side. Pray for him, too, especially for his sanctification, as that will strengthen him for this battle.
3. Night Prayer / Holy Hour (in-person or virtual) – This has been key (actually, essential) for me. My holy imagination envisions graces just flowing out from His precious Body, getting ready to cover and protect me for the night. It is also an opportunity when I lift all of my intentions, including fears and worries, to His secure hands. Invite Him to protect you throughout the night. (Good website for virtual Adoration: ewtn.com/catholicism/adoration.)
4. Make a Marian Consecration and one to Saint Joseph, Terror of Demons – I love entrusting my safety and protection (physical, spiritual, and mental) to Jesus’s mother and foster father. Invite your mother, Mary, to cover you (as well as the priests in your life) with her protective mantle. Ask Saint Joseph to protect you and provide for all of your physical and spiritual needs. Other prayers, such as the Memorare to both saints, will also offer you significant comfort.
5. Remember that no amount of evil can ever overcome the power of the Cross. – During quarantine, I attended a virtual Catholic conference for which Fr. Timothy Gallagher was one of the speakers; in one of his talks, he kept emphasizing this over and over. When my memories would attack me, I would hold the crucifix that my priest gave me, press it against my forehead, where I felt the horrid memories striking me like lightning (usually plaguing me when I felt most vulnerable at night in bed), and I would just chant that mantra over and over.
In general, no matter what evil was done to you, remember the above. Also, for those who have attended the Life-Giving Wounds retreat, trust the steps of the retreat, especially the emphasis on prayerful journaling. When I journaled, the hauntings lost their power. Or, I should say, Satan lost his grip.
“God alone is my rock and salvation, my fortress; I shall never fall.”
About the Author
The writer of this blog post seeks to use their wounds in a life-giving way by offering comfort and consolation to others through writing. This writer is passionate about giving a voice to the wounds of adult children of divorce, especially after having attended a Life-Giving Wounds Retreat in the Spring of 2021. The writer would like to dedicate this post to their priest for being a brave spiritual warrior, whose encouragement, prayers, and steadfast support have helped this writer navigate re-entering these memories as part of the healing journey. This writer prays for the healing of all adult children of divorce, especially the ones met through Life-Giving Wounds.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Do you ever “question your own God-given dignity?” If so, what are some recurring questions? How do you work through these questions in your mind or with others?
Look at Tissot’s painting above again and reflect upon your own wounds for a few moments. What speaks to you? Like the author, do you have memories that feel reflected in this artwork?
What other tips would you add to the author’s list to help others “remain secure in my Father’s love?”
How has journaling played a role in your healing journey?
What words, or actions, would you offer to this author that would reflect to her Christ’s love for her?