Introduction to the Temperaments and Their Importance for Healing and Thriving as ACODS
An Evening Party in the Artist's Home by Johansen, Viggo - 1899 - National Gallery of Denmark, Denmark - Public Domain.
My wife, Laraine, relishes attending a party where we hardly know anyone so she can meet new people. I tended to dread such parties feeling awkward and looked for excuses to not attend. When I did attend, I would groan, “How in the world did I say yes to this nightmare?” Same stimulus, but different reactions.
My wife, a choleric-sanguine, was temperamentally disposed to be confident and competent at such events. I needed to learn to calmly reflect and reframe to override my initial hesitancy and came to enjoy these invaluable get-togethers. Over time, I realized that I had met a great many wonderful people at parties and I could learn to overcome my initial shyness and to reframe these events as opportunities for growth.
Temperament is the science of how we tend to react. Some people tend to react quickly and intensely. Others react slowly and not intensely. For some people, their reactions are long-lived; others easily let go. Some forgive and forget; others hold on for decades. Some love to immediately take charge, while others just want to fit in and go with the flow. These temperament differences impact (but need not determine) our emotional lives, relationships and our spiritual lives. [1]
Our total personality includes both nature and nurture—and God’s grace! On the nature side, is temperament. On the nurture side is our family of origin, education, formation, experiences, culture, our free choices, acquired virtues and God’s grace as well as our response to His grace. We always have the possibility of growing in virtue and changing for the better. Temperament never programs us to respond in any particular way; nor does it put us in a box.
This interplay between our temperament and our environment is of course true for us Adult Children of Divorce (ACODs) as well. Most crucial to us as Catholics is that we are always free to respond to God’s grace and to grow in virtue and holiness. Our ability to change and grow is critical for Christians since we are called to respond intentionally (i.e. non-reactively) to a wide variety of situations: to love our enemies, forgive 70X7 times (Matthew 18:22), and give two coats when someone asks for one (Luke 3:11). We do not naturally—at least initially— react generously to these situations. But we can, with God’s grace and our prayerful determination—and sometimes therapy or spiritual direction— acquire the virtues to respond prudently and lovingly.
Neuroscientists show we can learn to reframe what we dread into opportunities to grow. Eventually our brain’s alarm-center, the amygdala, gets the message that going to parties, loving our enemies, forgiving and sharing coats can be opportunities to show love and grow and not burden us with anxiety.
For us Adult Children of Divorce (ACOD) our alarm-centered amygdala has additional non-temperamental reactions that we might need to address. One of the most common is our dreaded fear that serious interpersonal problems cannot really be addressed and healed. We know where this comes from: we experienced our parents’ interpersonal problems breaking down the marriage covenant and dividing the family right before our eyes. Often our feelings as children were ignored or put in last place. Anger and despair were the last words. Distraught to bed and distraught upon waking. Distance, avoidance, distraction, escalation replaced closeness, peace and openness. Yelling or stonewalling replaced talking. Boundaries were skewed; presence was absent. Problems were intractable and unsolvable; ergo: divorce.
It is no wonder that we might conclude that all interpersonal problems are frightening and dead-end in hopelessness. Here are some examples of how an LGW of interpersonal healing might play out for each temperament: [2]
The hard-driving, type-A, choleric ACOD can often be convinced to try new approaches and a fresh start to new problems. That is exactly what is needed to heal. The impatient choleric might not want to spend the time slowly working to build trust and to forgive. Instead of setting boundaries or showing empathy they might be tempted to amputate; instead of calmly and patiently trying to repair, they demand a quick solution right now or they are off to the exit.
The phlegmatic prioritizes cooperation, empathy and harmony which are such great gifts to any family or friendship. But the ACOD phlegmatic, already temperamentally avoidant of conflict, might resort to radical people-pleasing with their ACOD background. The phlegmatic ACOD’s strategy can be to please anyone anytime to avoid conflict but end up in chronic self-neglect, exhaustion, feeling unappreciated and burned-out.
Sanguines genuinely love to put their energy into interpersonal life with people. They are the life of many parties and bringers of good cheer. After witnessing their fighting, failing and flailing parents, the naturally optimistic sanguine ACOD could become rigidly optimistic, avoiding tough issues with a happy face but never going deep into the personal and interpersonal issues that beg to be addressed. This chronic problem avoidance leads to unresolved problem-expansion and possibly even pent-up rages that retard healing and makes problems even worse.
The melancholic is a lover of so many wonderful high ideals like faith, trust, friendship and loyalty that are such a gift to any relationship. But the ACOD melancholic can entrench the melancholic’s temptation to fear the ambiguities of life and love, and become highly-critical and deeply discouraged because no perfect or even real solution seems possible. Like their family of origin, problems and issues are intractable and not readily addressed. This can lead to depression and despair and can end up in self-righteous isolation.
So what’s an ACOD to do? So how can the recovery and healing be done? Even though everyone’s experience is different usually our temperament can provide some clues to strengths we can bring to the change, and areas where growth might need more patience and determination.
Calmly sit back and realize that while your own family of origin could not solve interpersonal problems, the truth is that most families and most people do solve most interpersonal problems and grow. Yours, ours, often did not but that is hardly the norm. We may have to be more intentional than those who came from healthier families, but we can certainly learn healing and helping responses.
Remind yourself that every temperament has some great strengths and great challenges; gifts and deficits. We can grow because of, and in spite of, them.
Tell yourselves in a very mindful and calm way: that was then when I was young ….Long pause……Even longer…..But this is now when I am a fully functional adult. I need not be cast in the role I was assigned as a young person. Now I am free to adopt new responses and not the same old reactions.
So we can reframe with hope and remind ourselves that your wife is not your mom, your boyfriend is not your dad, that parishioner is not your ‘crazy uncle’ and you are not a helpless bystander at a car wreck. You are, rather, an adult child of God too, with certain temperamental tendencies but your adult challenges are a whole new ball game and you are acquiring the support, skill and prayer life to lean in and resolve interpersonal problems.
Endnotes:
See the chart that lists common strengths and challenges for each temperament. For a more thorough look at the 4 classic temperaments see our The Temperament God Gave You (Sophia Institute Press, 2005); The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse (2007, Sophia Institute Press); and The Temperament God Gave Your Kids (2012, Our Sunday Visitor.)
Research psychiatrists Chess and Thomas’s longitudinal studies focused on temperament over the lifetime. And Harvard psychologist, Dr. Jerome Kagan, once a strict behaviorist, changed when he discovered a connection between the reactivity levels of babies and their inhibition level as adults. His research showed that internal temperaments played a key role along with the environment. Modern researchers do not use the terms choleric, melancholic sanguine and phlegmatic but focus on reactivity related to the speed and duration of reactions as well as distractibility, persistence, activity, intensity, mood, adaptability, withdrawal or approaching others. Many still use the four classic temperament terms because they provide a handle in identifying typical reactions, allow for change through the acquisition of virtue, and also respect the venerable history of temperaments in the Catholic Church. Everyone has a primary and secondary temperament and if you go to temperamentquiz.com you can quickly discover yours. Also see The Temperament God Gave Your Kids p.14-15 and 177.
Chart: Communication Strengths & Weaknesses by Temperament
Prayer:
Dear Lord, Jesus. You told us (John 16:33) that there will be trouble and indeed there is. Everyday. But You also told us that only with you can we overcome trouble. I ask You to help me remember that You are with me when trouble ensues, and that you are waiting for me to surrender to You and to ask You for help.
About the Author:
Art Bennett has co-written three books on the temperaments with his spouse, Laraine (The Temperament God Gave You, The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse and the Temperament God Gave Your Kids). Laraine comes from an intact family. Art is a ACOD and also a board member of Life-Giving Wounds. To determine your temperament, go to www.temperamentquiz.com
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
Try to get into the habit of seeing Christ waiting to be asked to help. In fact, see Him as dying to help you. Then, ask Him and see what comes of it.
When you reach interpersonal snafus with others, ask yourself: What is my biggest concern about what might happen? Might it be being rejected? Being alone? Being misunderstood? Fear of escalation or stonewalling? Try to be aware of that and start a process of just calmly experiencing that pain or difficult feeling without trying to change it or reduce or exaggerate it. What you are doing is convincing yourself that this pain, while very uncomfortable or difficult, is probably not as tragic or as debilitating as you had feared and you can withstand it and come to peace with it without being defensive.
Identify what reactions or defenses you are tempted to mount: Is it catastrophizing? Could it be minimizing? Could it be people-pleasing? Maybe withdrawal or stonewalling? This is likely your typical defense and despite its good intentions it might be making things worse by convincing you that you cannot withstand it.
Identify a mentor, spiritual director, friend, lover who is able to remain calm and peaceful during conflict? Ask them how they do it and for help.