Ministering to Teens with Divorced Parents: Some Unique Challenges and Guidance
N/A. (Unknown). Carlo Acutis [Photograph]. Dicastero delle Cause dei Santi. https://www.causesanti.va/it/santi-e-beati/carlo-acutis.html
I have had the great blessing of volunteering at a very active high school youth ministry for the last three years. My time there has been filled with laughter, tears, and an abundance of the presence of God. As a child of divorce myself, I have a special eye for our kids who are from situations of divorce or otherwise highly dysfunctional families of origin.
The Church, in her official teaching, often refers to herself as a family (Cf. CCC 759), and I have found this exceptionally true. The Church’s liturgy and community have been incredibly healing for me, teaching me the goodness of family and togetherness in the face of my own family’s brokenness. This healing process began in earnest when I joined the Catholic Church as a teenager and began to get plugged into parish life (including attending the very same youth group I now volunteer at!). This healing, too, is possible for other teen children of divorce. Youth ministers ought not to underestimate the power of the Church and her Sacraments for healing even teenage hearts.
There are some unique challenges when it comes to ministering to teens from broken homes. Of course, any ongoing situations of abuse or harm must be reported to appropriate authorities—make sure your church or group has mandatory reporting and training in place to keep minors safe! However, there are many layers of the divorce wound that may not be the kind of thing you can or should report to Child Protective Services (CPS). In these cases, awareness and practical pastoral guidance for these teens is best. Below, I want to outline some of the unique challenges faced by teen children of divorce or separation (TCODs):
1.) Teen Children of Divorce Lack Control Over Their Environment
One of the biggest obstacles teen children of divorce face is the lack of agency or control in their life. They are not full-fledged adults and are still dependent on their parents for their basic needs, including things like their finances, transportation, and living arrangements. This dependence is a good and natural part of growing up; in a dysfunctional system, however, this can make setting and maintaining healthy boundaries difficult. Teens are still subject to legal custody arrangements. Many do not even have a driver’s license. Setting boundaries with their parents could be unsuccessful or even risk backlash.
Those who work with teens can assist them in discerning on a case-by-case basis what is most helpful for their individual situation. Navigating a divorced family is challenging even for adults, so teens–who are still learning relationship skills in general–will benefit from mature guidance here.
This sense of lacking control can often lead TCODs to manage their anxiety in unhealthy ways. It can be helpful to know that these behaviors may be more than just “teenagers being teenagers”; in fact, many of these unhealthy coping mechanisms are common to adult children of divorce as well. A very common dysfunctional way to manage anxiety is to turn to romantic relationships, sex, and/or pornography to find a sense of emotional connection; this applies to both genders. Other ways of coping could look like escapism into video games and TV, or a perfectionistic preoccupation with good grades, achievements, or sports. Stress at home may cause TCODs to act out in school or church environments; know that these teens may require a little more patience even while leaders maintain healthy boundaries and discipline.
Youth ministers, and others with teens in their care, should keep an eye out for mental health issues in their kids in general, but it can be helpful to know what is common in teens from divorced households. This can include anxiety, depression, PTSD/C-PTSD, and eating disorders, among others. Eating disorders in particular are often rooted in a need for control and a negative self-worth, and they commonly start developing between the ages of 12-25. In other words, teenage children of divorce are prime targets. It can even be possible to see dysfunctional parents, struggling with negative self-worth in their own right, encourage eating disorders in their children.
In a situation where teens may feel out of control, it can be beneficial to help them focus instead on ways that they do have control and teach them healthy ways to manage stress. In this regard, fostering human connection is the number one way to reduce anxiety. Since TCODs likely lack this with their family, encourage them to find it in other, healthy ways. Of course, prayer and turning to God as the one true source of security can provide a deep peace of heart. Fostering earthly relationships is vital as well: this could mean building strong same-sex friendships with peers; finding mature adult mentors at church or school; or getting plugged into community activities like youth groups, sports teams, or clubs. It is also possible that one or both of their parents are willing to have a healthy, open relationship with their teen (this can especially be the case with an abandoned spouse), which can prove invaluable in giving the teen a solid emotional anchor.
2.) Teen Children of Divorce Do Not Know Anything besides their Family of Origin
Many adult children of divorce do not realize the degree of dysfunction in their family of origin until their 20s, after they have had some experience in the “real world.” This means that teen children of divorce, who have likely never left their original family system, may find it challenging to even identify the dysfunction or the interior wounds it has caused them. Life-Giving Wounds often refers to the Wound of Silence [Cf. Meola, D., & Meola, B. (2023), Life-giving wounds : a Catholic guide to healing for adult children of divorce or separation. Ignatius Press.] The wound of silence refers to the difficulty to acknowledge, believe, and grieve the wounds caused by our parents’ divorce – and this especially applies to children of divorce who are still living day-to-day in their dysfunctional family systems.
Those who care for TCODs, whether adults or teen peers, can help here by modeling healthy boundaries and relationships. It can be helpful to affirm dysfunction for what it is as it comes up in conversation with the teen; realize that they may legitimately not know what is healthy and what is not as they share about their home life. Even just validating their pain, and agreeing with them that their situation is hard, can provide immense emotional support.
Just like many adult children of divorce, teen children of divorce may also struggle with a false understanding of forgiveness. They may have the “forgive and forget” idea that forgiveness essentially equates to denying their legitimate boundaries and needs. Teens from religious backgrounds may also have a fear that admitting dysfunction in their parents is a violation of the commandment “honor your father and mother.”
Because of this, TCODs can benefit from catechesis on the true nature of forgiveness as acknowledging wrongs done, grieving legitimately, and releasing the offender from an emotional debt. Assure these teens that merely acknowledging the harm done — or harm still being done — is not dishonoring to their parents, but is in fact a crucial element of the forgiveness that is truly honoring.
3.) Teen Children of Divorce May Have Difficulties with Religious Practice
Because teens still lack some agency in their life, there may be certain aspects of religious practice that they find difficult on a practical level. A big example of this is having consistent means of transportation to Mass or church community activities, such as a youth group. It can even be the case that one or both parents are antagonistic toward their religion, making it especially difficult for a teen to practice their religion in the way they may wish to.
While volunteering with our parish youth ministry, I once worked with a teen who had decided to start taking her Catholic faith seriously, even though her divorced parents had stopped practicing. Every few months, this teen would take a few weeks to go visit her dad who lived out of state. The result of this was twofold; one, she could not make it to all the youth group events she wanted to because she was traveling, and two, she experienced a “dry spell” of the Sacraments and Church community while visiting her dad, as he refused to take her to Church events. Despite these circumstances, this teen was a joyful member of our community, sought rides to Mass when she could, and was steadfast in her trust in God and living by his commandments. Teens like this show heroic faith even at such a young age and are an inspiration to me.
Situations like this, though, show that there is a ministry gap in the Church for those who want to participate in Church community life but are unable to do so. A simple solution to this is to provide rides for these teens who may not have the means of transportation, for one reason or another. Of course, this must always be done with the parent’s or parents’ permission and be in accord with local guidelines regarding the safety of minors. Ensuring that teens have needed rides, though, can help teens know that they are seen and cared for.
A TCOD’s sometimes inconsistent ability to attend Church activities may also make him or her struggle to feel like a “full” or “real” member of the community. Elizabeth Marquardt sums it up well with the title of her book Between Two Worlds: children of divorce may feel like they halfway participate in the two worlds of their split parents, and fully participate in neither. Church leaders, especially youth ministers, need to be aware of this and go out of their way to make sure these teens are included and feel connected, welcome, and a part of the community regardless of how often the teen can attend events. This can practically look like intentionally connecting newcomer teens to a few people, or it could also look like finding ways to help a teen feel like they participated even if they missed an event: something like sending a personalized video of the group to the teen while they are gone, saving a party favor from a function they missed, etc.
It is also important to assure Catholic teens that, if they cannot make it to Mass through no fault of their own, it is not a sin [Cf. CCC 2180-2183 and CCL Can. 1247]. Children of divorce in particular may gravitate toward scrupulosity as a means of coping with a traumatic or unpredictable environment at home, so it is important to be aware of this pastorally.
4.) Teen Children of Divorce Can Find Healing in the Midst of the Mess
Is it possible for teens to heal while they are still in the dysfunctional environment that wounded them in the first place? The answer is both yes and no. Certain things may be difficult, if not impossible, for TCODs to do while still living at home. However, there are still many solid steps they can begin to take even before they reach adulthood.
When possible, teens can seek professional mental health help. The unfortunate reality is, some teens just will not have access to professional help until they leave home. Some parents are not open to or supportive of mental health in general. Other parents, while supportive, may not be able to afford counseling. It is helpful to assure teens in these situations that they are not helpless; there are still steps they can take toward their healing.
As previously mentioned, cultivating community and solid, non-romantic friendships with peers will help teens feel a sense of connection and security. This is especially important as it is not uncommon for teens to turn to promiscuity or other unhealthy outlets to fill a deep, unmet need for connection.
TCODs have likely come to believe certain lies about themselves and the world because of their dysfunctional environments. Some common ones for children of divorce are: “The divorce was my fault”; “I am broken, damaged, or flawed”; “I am worthless and do not deserve love”; “I am incapable of love.” Those who work with teens can help them come to identify these lies they may believe, even subconsciously, and reject them by declaring the truth of Christ: “It is good that I exist”; “I am a child of God”; “I have inherent dignity and am worthy of love.” Declare these truths to your teen, and encourage them to declare these often to themselves as well.
Finally, teens can begin to set boundaries in their family system. This could include setting a boundary with their parents that the teen will not keep secrets from the other parent. It could also be a boundary over communication; the teen could say no to being the “go-between” for ex-spouses and tell parents they have to talk to each other directly. Teens could also let parents know that they will leave the room or house if the conversation becomes angry or toxic. The flexibility of this last one does depend on applicable laws and custody agreements, and, in all cases, teens have to discern which boundaries are tenable and safe for their particular family system.
Conclusion
Many of the stories we may hear from TCODs are heartbreaking, but as Christians, we are not without hope. God is their Father, and he loves each teen more than any earthly parent ever could, good or bad [Cf. CCC 1]. Ultimately, the timetable of healing is up to God and to the individual person. The reality is, not all teens are ready to “thaw out” yet and begin to process their trauma. And that is ok! By entrusting them to Jesus, by intercessory prayer, and by taking practical steps and giving particular pastoral care, we can help teens grow into adults who live a life of wholeness and virtue, no matter how broken their earthly family may be.
A Prayer for Youth and Young Adults:
Jesus Christ, King of the Universe,
to you we turn in humble prayer.
Look with favor upon all young people,
bearers of hope for the Church and the world.
Jesus Christ, companion
of youth and young adults,
bless the paths of discovery and discernment,
through times of joy and experiences of hardship,
with the constant love and support of your Church.
Jesus Christ, alive in the hearts
of all your people,
grant that we may
“journey together, young and old…
to nourish our enthusiasm, cause dreams to emerge,
awaken prophesies and enable hope to blossom.” *
Jesus Christ, Redeemer of all humankind,
open our hearts to encounter all young people,
to accompany and be in community together,
and as one Church, embark upon our holy mission.
Jesus Christ, in the company
of the Father and the Holy Spirit,
graciously hear our prayer
and be with us forevermore.
Amen.
* Pope Francis, Christus Vivit, 199
(The above prayer was found on the USCCB website here.)
St. Eugène de Mazenod, patron saint of dysfunctional families, please pray for teenage children of divorce or separation as they struggle with wounds from their family of origin.
About the Author:
After joining the Catholic Church in high school, Julia Betzig decided to attend Benedictine College where she studied Catholic Theology and Engineering. She now works full-time as a web developer and volunteers regularly with the local parish youth ministry. Her experience of her parents’ divorce when she was eight has led her to have a heart for the youth and for those who are suffering as a result of family breakdown.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
What are some ways that having divorced parents may impact a teen’s faith life? What steps can be taken to help strengthen a TCOD’s faith?
When you were a teen, where did you turn to find feelings of comfort, connection, and safety? What were some of your biggest struggles as a teenager?
For teen children of divorce, what are some practical steps you can take in your healing right now? Reflect on boundaries you can set with your family, or friends you can reach out to.
For youth ministers or teen peers of TCODs, what are some ways you can help teens from difficult family backgrounds feel welcome and supported in your youth group or church community?