Insights from Attachment Theory for Adult Children of Divorce (Part 4: Attachment to God)
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Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
“I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a child quieted at its mother’s breast; like a child that is quieted is my soul.”
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God… to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God.”
In the first three parts of this series on attachment, we looked at key concepts from Attachment Theory, how attachment impacts mental health, and the neurobiological basis of attachment. In this final part, we will look to the designer and source of secure attachment—the God who is Triune love and who invites us to communion while exploring how the attachment relationship between God and the human person plays out in a world disfigured by sin.
The filter of trauma and sin
Throughout Scripture, the images and language used to describe God frequently evoke two of the strongest attachment relationships that we can know as human beings—the relationship between a child and a parent, and the relationship between spouses. Consider the four following examples from Scripture:
“As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear him.” (Psalm 103:13).
“You are our Father…you, O LORD, are our Father, our Redeemer from of old is your name.” (Isaiah 63:16)
“I will espouse you forever; I will espouse you in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will espouse you in faithfulness; and you shall know the LORD.” (Hosea 2:19-20)
“As a bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.” (Isaiah 62:5).
In revealing who God is, Scripture relies on human language which inevitably calls to mind our human experience of relationships—whether good or bad. For those of us who have been wounded by parental separation and divorce, the images and emotional connotations of the words “father” or “mother” or “spouse” will undoubtedly be tainted in some way by imperfection and sin.
I personally believe that there are many wounded men and women in our world who read the Bible and are triggered by what they read. There is a real risk that negative childhood experiences hinder our ability to receive the revelation of God’s paternal love. The Catechism notes how, “The language of faith thus draws on the human experience of parents, who are in a way the first representatives of God for man. But this experience also tells us that human parents are fallible and can disfigure the face of fatherhood and motherhood.” (239). For adult children of parental divorce or separation, the broken spousal relationship of our parents changed the way we experienced and understood married love and could also make it more challenging to receive the revelation of God as a faithful spouse and friend. We may need to receive inner healing so as to help our hearts experience a new way of relating to God, characterized by security and peace. Without inner healing, there is the risk to read Scripture and receive God’s revelation through the filter of trauma.
The clearest example of this “filter of trauma” is what occurs in the garden after the fall of Adam and Eve. In the book of Genesis, we read how Adam initially experienced a secure attachment with God, marked by joy, cooperation, and intimacy (cf. Gen. 2:15-25). The first mention of fearful avoidance comes after the sin of Adam and Eve, in which we read the following tragic account:
“They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But then LORD God called to the man, and he said to him, ‘Where are you?’ And he said, ‘I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid…’ ”
Suddenly, God’s presence is no longer a source of peace. This is a massive shift from how Adam and Eve initially perceived God. God has not changed, but Adam and Eve have, and as a consequence they no longer trust in the love God has for them (cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 397). The revelation of God has become for them a source of threat and fear.
Just like the example of Adam and Eve, who felt afraid upon hearing God’s voice, we too might struggle to receive the Bible as a “love letter,” and not a series of threats. Do you ever get stuck on the parts of the Bible that speak of punishment, abandonment, condemnation and eternal separation from God? If we have not opened our hearts to inner healing, the themes of Scripture can be like salt rubbed on our open attachment wounds. The risk of pain is immense. Yet, with healing, the filter of trauma is gradually removed and we can begin to see God’s love and mercy on the pages that used to frighten us.
God is Love
In the First Letter of St. John we read the following: “Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.” (1 John 4:8). St. John was well aware that growing in love was the antidote to fear and anxiety. He also saw how we must first believe in God’s love for us and receive it before we can love others.
“We have come to know and to believe in the love God has for us. God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him. In this is love brought to perfection… There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”
It can be a challenge to receive this revelation in a personal way. Reading, “God is love,” is too abstract if it has not touched our very flesh and bones, moved our emotions, and conquered our imagination. Yet our image of God is often quite complex and may differ from what we know we “ought” to believe. Dr. Peter Malinowski, clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Souls and Hearts ministry, in his Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, talks about the differences between “God images,” and “God concepts.” (https://www.soulsandhearts.com/iic/, Episodes 22-29). God images stem from our experiences in life, are emotionally formed or fueled, and may not necessarily be in sync with our God concepts, or the truths we believe about God, stemming from the teaching and doctrine of the faith. This is something we need to be aware of and continually bring to prayer.
God as father or like a mother
If there is one thing Jesus came to reveal, one secret of His heart that He makes known to the world, it is the Father’s love. Jesus taught us to call God, “Our Father,” and yet it can be difficult to fully embrace this relationship. The Catechism states, “Before we make our own this first exclamation of the Lord's Prayer, we must humbly cleanse our hearts of certain false images drawn "from this world…The purification of our hearts has to do with paternal or maternal images, stemming from our personal and cultural history, and influencing our relationship with God.” (2779)
Attachment Theory applied to our relationship with God
We have seen how God, the author and source of relationships, reveals Himself in language evoking a close and loving relationship. The question is, can we rely on Him as a Father and an intimate friend? A lot of our struggles in our relationship with God may have to do with emotional attachment wounds. Let us consider the following four attachment styles:
Secure—A person with a secure attachment to God knows that God is reliable and the source of salvation. There is the sense of confidence, joy, and dependence upon God. The beginning of Psalm 18 illustrates this sense of God’s loving presence, “I love you, O LORD, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, the horn of my salvation, my stronghold!” (v. 2)
Anxious/Preoccupied—A person with an insecure attachment to God, who worries that God will abandon him or her. If you have this attachment style, you might worry about how God sees you and if you are “good enough” for God. You might try to do things to earn God’s love. The following psalm illustrates this dynamic. “I cry aloud to God, I cry to God to hear me. On the day of my distress I seek the Lord; by night my hands are stretched out unceasingly; I refused to be consoled… ‘Will the Lord reject us forever, never again show favor?” (Psalm 77: 2-3, 8).
Avoidant/Dismissive—A person with this attachment style may keep God at a distance and seem uninterested by religious questions or faith. This insecure attachment style projects an image of being self-reliant, and not having a need for God. In some ways, the tragic example of King Herod could illustrate this dynamic. When Herod was confronted by John the Baptist over the king’s illicit relationship with his brother’s wife, Herod responded by having John arrested. Rather than humbly acknowledging his sin and his need for God, he asserts his independence. Strangely, St. Mark writes that, “Herod feared John, knowing him to be a righteous and holy man, and kept him in custody. When he heard him speak he was very much perplexed, yet he liked to listen to him.” (Mark 6:20). Despite Herod’s opinion of John, he keeps emotional distance and it takes very little for Herod to be persuaded to murder John. (Mark 6:22-28)
Disorganized—Perhaps the saddest of all attachment patterns or styles, the person who suffers from a disorganized attachment is really relating to the Lord out of a place of trauma or deep fear. This type of insecurity is reflected in the curious fear of those who upon witnessing Jesus deliver a demoniac, asked him to leave their region because they were afraid (cf. Luke 8:26-37).
In looking through these four attachment styles, if you recognize that you have an insecure attachment to God, that is okay. The important thing to remember is that even if you have an insecure attachment relationship at some point in your life, you can discover security over time. This is what is referred to as “earned secure attachment,” and I believe that our relationship with God can also become secure, even if it did not start that way.
Called to receive God’s love
I hope this four part series on attachment was helpful for you and that ultimately your healing journey will allow you to receive more and more of God’s love. If you struggle in your attachment to God, it might be helpful to intentionally spend more time with soothing images of God, both in Scripture and in spiritual reading. I have found the books He and I, In Sinu Jesu, and the collected works of the Servant of God, Marcel Van particularly helpful in this. There are many saints who learned to relate to God with confidence and trust, chief among whom is St. Therese of Lisieux. Looking to the examples of the saints can help us learn how to relate to God with simplicity and confidence. May God bless you as you seek to grow in His love.
Intercessory Prayer:
Saint Dymphna, patron saint of nervous disorders and mental disease, pray for Adult Children of Divorce.
About the Author:
Emily Rochelle graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville with a Master’s in Catechesis and Evangelization in 2021. Having experienced her parents’ divorce while she was in elementary school, Emily has a heart of compassion for those who suffer and a deep desire to bring the healing love of Christ into people’s lives. She lives in Wisconsin with her husband.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
On a piece of paper, make four columns and write the words “mother,” “father,” “spouse” and “child” at the top of the columns. Then list in each column any words or emotions that come to mind related to each word. Do not filter the list. What do you notice?
Are there any parts of the Bible that you personally struggle with or are triggered by?
How might you enter into dialogue with God about what troubles you?
How has your relationship with God changed over time?
Did your parents’ divorce or separation impact your relationship with God? How so?