From the Spouse of an ACOD
Javad Alizadeh’s Divorce Child . Farhikht at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons
My husband and I have been married for about four years. We have a wonderful, very human, relationship and marriage with two beautiful children. In our dating and engagement, as we were getting to know one another and our stories, my husband shared that his parents divorced when he was very young, in grade school. Throughout our conversations about his family life he would explain, “It was hard then, but it doesn’t affect me now, since I was so young when it happened.”
As we entered into the first few years of marriage, whether it was my own sin or my personality, I would strike or hit against something in my husband. Usually, it would cause him pain, or provoke a managing behavior of anger or deflection. It was as though I was poking at a pain we both didn’t know was there. I would ask forgiveness but would typically find myself hitting that same spot unknowingly. Throughout those early years, I started to ask more direct questions in regards to his family life. These were normally met with surface responses. Knowing I had struck a chord, I would back off, feeling like I pushed him too hard. I’d walk away, feeling a little defeated. Ultimately, I knew he was in pain, and I desired freedom for him, but didn’t know how to help. We both even went on a healing retreat together, but afterwards still had the same patterns in our arguments.
This year, my husband went on a Life-Giving Wounds retreat, and I am now forever grateful to this ministry. My husband left with a lack of understanding of his pain and his story, but returned to me and our family with the gifts of knowledge of himself and his pain, and a deeper understanding of his story. He was understood on the level of the heart that only something like this ministry can give. He came home with a correction of “oh, it doesn’t affect me” to “it affects everything in my life.” This acceptance and self-understanding has led to an enrichment of our marriage as he has bravely opened his heart to the Love of the Father, giving me the ability to also share in that love! He returned with a new language and new tools for navigating the pain he experienced in his childhood. We are now open with one another when we are running into the wound that his parents’ divorce caused. We both now have a name for that wall we were hitting in our relationship. His bravery in going on the retreat honored me as his spouse, and his courage in facing his pain and receiving healing has brought healing to us both! He is no longer alone in his journey because he has invited me into it!
We are experiencing the life-giving hope that in our brokenness and woundedness, the Lord can uniquely meet us and bring glory like we never expected. As a spouse of an ACOD, I praise the Lord for this ministry. I pray that I can continue to support my spouse on his journey of healing, just like he has in my own healing. Now, we are walking together side by side!
Intercessory Prayer:
St. Elizabeth of Portugal, patron of familial peace and healing family rifts, please pray for us and our family relationships.
About the author
Other than loving on her two kiddos, Anna loves teaching, reading, drinking coffee, and dancing in the kitchen with her family. St. Anthony is her most petitioned saint, and you can find her family hiking most weekends in the beautiful mountains in Colorado.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
If you are the spouse of an ACOD, how has the divorce of your husband or wife’s parents affected your relationship with one another?
How can you help your spouse communicate the deep wounds of the heart?
If your spouse has gone on a Life-Giving Wounds retreat, what observations have you taken away from their experience?