Lessons Learned from Growing Up in a Catholic but Violent Home
Trigger warning: This blog post talks about domestic violence from the perspective of a survivor. If that is your background or something you are sensitive to, please be aware of the content before proceeding. - Editor
I am a life-long Catholic, an adult who was a child witness of abuse, and a researcher in the field of domestic violence.
Yet it is hard to write this blog. I am approaching my seventies and the untreated parts of my traumatic life as a child witness and survivor of domestic violence are so real, I continue to experience them today.
I spent years of my young life praying my parents would divorce, as it seemed like the only option for any peace in my family. I had witnessed my Dad hurt my Mom and attempt to kill her several times. The last time, he tried to kill us both. I absolutely believe our Guardian Angels protected us! Eventually Dad became seriously ill and the violence stopped.
The Catholic Church makes it clear that an environment of severe, life-threatening abuse is contrary to the marriage vow. The Code of Canon Law states that “grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring” is a “legitimate cause” for spousal separation (Can. 1153 §1. See also the Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 2383.). For those children of divorce or separation who experienced violence of any kind in their childhood homes, there can be a very real (and understandable!) feeling of relief to have a greater level of peace and safety after their parents separate. At the same time, their losses and trauma, both from the abuse they witnessed or experienced, and the breakdown of their family, are also very real.
I listened recently to a Trauma Treatment webinar where scientists described the trauma characteristic of feeling like the event is happening right NOW, even decades later. You can think of war veterans who react to a trigger that reminds them of a war scene. For them, it is happening now. Same with any untreated trauma experience, apparently.
Believe me, it has been a hassle to keep “reliving” my childhood trauma. It was bad enough to live it the first time, but it’s been debilitating to “relive” it for decades. It helped to hear the trauma science discovery.
People are tempted to think to themselves, or they may hear others say, ‘just forget it’, or ‘get over it’. As adult children of divorce, you know the mind and body do not work that way. We need to heal and I’m glad you have found the Life-Giving Wounds ministry to help you reach safety and security.
Another science discovery that has been very helpful to me is that the brain interprets being slapped or hit the same as being insulted. That discovery explains why domestic violence survivors share that the emotional abuse is worse than the physical abuse. Can you imagine being constantly slapped, all day long? That is what emotional abuse feels like.
You might have witnessed emotional (or physical) abuse and been furious that the abused parent did not just “stand up” for themselves. However, trauma does not work that way. In the moment, they were incapacitated – they needed to do the one thing in that moment that ensured their and their children’s survival. “Standing up” is usually last on the list of things to do, and it can oftentimes result in more injury or death.
Today, there is much knowledge and many resources available about domestic abuse. That was not the case when I was growing up. It may not surprise you, but it has surprised me that I’ve grown up to be a researcher in the domestic abuse field!
At the end of my remarks, I’ll list a few recommended resources for anyone with domestic violence in their past, or present. Now, I want to share three lessons learned from growing up in a deeply Catholic but intensely violent home.
“Domestic abuse” is so much more than physical abuse. It is a pattern of behavior, things that happen “regularly”. It can include a combination of several controlling behaviors, such as: verbal abuse – saying mean things; emotional withholding; psychological abuse – think about the classic “gaslighting” experience, which makes someone question their own sanity; isolation from family and friends; coercion; sexual abuse including rape in the marriage or partnership; harassment; stalking; financial abuse and economic control, including making it difficult for the person to work because of physical abuse; abusing trust; threats and intimidation; destruction of property; hurting or killing family pets; and self-destructive behaviors. Interestingly, most abuse is non-physical and in the U.S., that means that it is unreportable to the police.
The decision whether to stay or leave is a complex one. The abused person continues to have to make tough decisions. Oftentimes, a contributing factor to leave is if any of the children are being physically and or sexually abused, but even that ultimate betrayal may still present safety issues to leaving. Many survivors have decided it is better to stay where they have some control over the amount of contact between the abusing parent and the child.
You might have experienced this dilemma as a child. If so, I am truly sorry. Know that many people can relate to you. It seems contradictory, but most parents were trying to make the best decision with the information and resources they had at the time to keep you the safest for the longest amount of time. I’ve found the 12 Step Program, Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) to be trauma-focused and a major help. See adultchildren.org
By the way, research has now documented what abused persons have long known: leaving the situation without a safety plan is the most likely time that she and/or her children will be murdered. She knew it, now we have documented it.
Please, never encourage someone to stay or leave but rather say a prayer for guidance and share the National Domestic Violence Hotline number with them: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or TTY at 1-800-787-3224, or online chatting at www.TheHotline.org. They can connect people with local resources.
3. Prayer is powerful. I used to think God had abandoned me. But life was so bad and there were no reliable, trustworthy sources of help, so I had to believe God was listening and cared for me. Thankfully, God was listening and has guided my life.
I’ve come to realize that Jesus was right there, suffering with me during the violent episodes and all of the days in between. I hope you know that your Higher Power is and has been with you every breath of your life.
Whether you are an adult child of divorce, a survivor of domestic violence, or both, I hope you know that you did not have the power to cause or control what your parents did. As a wise Maryknoll priest taught me, my job now is to heal and recover, and to share God’s loving message whenever I can.
Thus, I wish you the deepest of blessings in your recovery. You were made for a purpose and may you experience God’s love as you live it.
There are numerous resources available, but I’ll identify three:
Catholics For Family Peace: This site leads you to many Catholic resources about domestic abuse and work that is being done in dioceses, especially in Chicago and Washington. Feel free to contact them with questions, comments, or resources. http://www.catholicsforfamilypeace.org/
Pax in Familia has produced a book, How can we help to end violence in Catholic families? A Guide for Clergy, Religious and Laity by Dr. Christauria Welland, a Catholic psychologist who has worked with survivors for over 40 years, and with people who cause harm for 25 years. The book is free, downloadable and in six languages. It is listed on the above site but I want to bring it to your attention – there are many useful resources to be found there. http://paxinfamilia.org/
Futures Without Violence is my favorite “secular” website because it is full of information and houses the National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence. Abuse and violence is not good for anyone’s health and there is hope, help, and healing. https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/
Choosing to See Beauty: My Story of Moving Past Trauma and Mental Illness by Maura Preszler. A young woman in her thirties, now married with children, tells what it took to recover from the effects of witnessing her parents’ violent marriage.
[Editor’s note: there is also a wonderful week-long retreat for abuse survivors focused on healing the wound of abuse, facilitated by mental health professionals and centered on Jesus Christ, called “From Grief to Grace”. More information about this retreat and upcoming dates can be found here.]
Intercessory Prayer
St. Rita of Cascia, patroness of impossible causes, wounds, marital problems, and abuse, pleas pray for adult children of divorce or separation, and hold close those who have experienced, or are experiencing, violence in the home.
About the author
Ann B. is a pseudonym for a wife and mother of three.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Do you still experience any “untreated parts of [your] traumatic life as a child“ or from when your parents divorced?
How would you help someone if you found out they were living in a violent home?
What are other resources you could share with others in a similar situation to that of the author?