Seeking Therapy as an Adult Child of Divorce
As I promised in my last post, I want to speak about therapy, because it can be an incredibly helpful means for adult children of divorce to learn or re-learn how to be vulnerable, along with other goals. Therapy is very beneficial to our process of healing, and so often, that healing involves our becoming vulnerable again.
Many of us tend to avoid seeking therapy for the same reasons we avoid vulnerability. Maybe after your parents’ divorce or separation you had to be so self-reliant that you figure you can heal yourself alone. Maybe you were never taught how to process your emotions. Maybe your family had a taboo on “fluffy stuff” or just lacked the vocabulary to talk about feelings. Maybe you fear it’s going to be too painful. Maybe you don’t have enough money. Maybe you see the stigma that therapy often has and think that therapy is for the weak or the mentally ill. Or perhaps you fear you’ll find out you are mentally ill. Perhaps you think you’re too broken to be helped, or maybe not broken enough to take up a therapist’s time.
For me, I dragged my feet because of several of these reasons: The cost versus my meager budget, fear of being told I’d inherited my mother’s schizoaffective disorder, thinking my problems weren’t bad enough, and thinking I could heal myself because I was so used to doing everything for myself. In fact, the only thing that got me into therapy was a distressing gynecological condition after an injury. My doctor said, “Trust me, you’re going to need support to manage this. Get a spiritual director” - I already had one – “and a therapist.” I hoped the medical problem would resolve itself, but after many months, I finally had to admit it wasn’t going to, so I capitulated.
While it felt like defeat at the time, going to see a therapist was probably the best decision I’ve ever made because, as time went on, she recognized that the physical injury was far from my only wound. We started delving into my family and my past, and in the two and a half years since I started therapy, I’ve experienced an extraordinary amount of healing. For the first time in my life, I can truly say that I am deeply happy. Never before have I been able to say that I am OK with my past, and I excitedly look forward to the future. Of course, I still have my bad days and still have more work to accomplish, but to be able to have happiness instead of sorrow as my baseline is priceless.
Speaking of price, let’s just admit that therapy can be expensive. I’ve had to cut into savings to pay for therapy, but I’m willing to continue doing it and would do it again in a heartbeat because the return on investment is enormous. If you’re worried about the cost, I get it, but remember that we children of divorce often forget our value and don’t think to invest in ourselves. Let me make this clear: You are worth it. Your healing and flourishing are worth every penny.
As for the idea that therapy means you’re weak, I contend that it’s actually a sign of serious strength and courage to be able to sit in the midst of hard, painful emotions, to revisit old memories we’d rather forget, and to face them head on instead of running away. In fact, therapy makes you even stronger because, by working through our wounds, we gradually free ourselves of their control over us. On the other hand, anxiety, tension, sorrow, discord, lack of trust, and their ilk will only continue to fester if unaddressed. Working with a therapist is a lot like having a surgeon open a deep gash in your arm that’s not healing well, clean it, trim the edges, and re-suture it. It may hurt in the short term, but in the long term, the healing will be better and the scar less noticeable.
What exactly happens in therapy? It will look a little different for each of us, but generally speaking, therapy creates a safe place for you to be truly heard and say anything without being judged, a place where you can open up without fear of being ridiculed or rejected—the opposite of what most of us experienced. You can be entirely honest and reveal your deepest self. Basically, it gives you the opportunity to become vulnerable gradually so that you can examine your wounds in a safe place, heal them properly, and work on healing your relationships with others. In therapy, you’ll begin to make some sense of the past. You’ll learn to articulate emotions you don’t understand and understand them when you’re experiencing them. You’ll learn where and how the past affects your life now, where it may holding you back, and how not to be not be chained to past experiences so you can move forward. Therapy also helps you identify your bad coping mechanisms and replace them with good coping skills.
Now, I should mention that therapy is not about having someone tell you what to do to solve your problems. After all, you are the one in the therapy room, not anyone else, and a therapist doesn’t know the people and circumstances in your lives like you do. The therapist may have suggestions to get you started, but you’ll grow the most and experience the deepest change when you talk things out and then find and try solutions for yourself.
More importantly, therapy is not just about healing your wounds. That’s great, of course, but therapy has lasting, forward-reaching effects aimed at your flourishing into the future. The work you do and the things you learn in therapy help you change unhealthy patterns or vices so you can develop your strengths and your character. The therapist will show you how to let go of bad coping mechanisms and replace them with skills that lead to deepening relationships, setting boundaries for yourself, growing in virtue, and ultimately, flourishing. It’s basically all about becoming a much freer, more peaceful, and happier version of yourself.
If you’re thinking, “How do I find a good therapist? Where do I start?” here are some tips:
1. Look for someone who’s openly Catholic or at least Christian. This is especially helpful if and when things related to the faith come up. When you lament not having a relationship with Our Lady because of your mom (like me), or you feel betrayed by your spouse’s desire to use contraception, or you are plagued by scruples about your sins, it’s best to have a therapist who gets it. Any good therapist, however, should be able to help you, so don’t let it stop you if you can’t find a Catholic.
2. Ask about their views on divorce. To be most helpful to you, a therapist should believe that there really is no such thing as a “good divorce,” but rather that divorce is a unique kind of trauma. They should believe that divorce itself, not just how you responded to it, causes deep personal wounds and devastates families. They should also understand and uphold the integrity of marriage and the dignity of the family and its members. If you are married, even if you are seeking therapy alone, the therapist should work to support you in your vocation to marriage and help you strengthen it, rather than assuming that divorce is a solution to issues in your marriage.
3. Know it might take trial and error. The first therapist you see isn’t always the right one. Some of you may even have had bad experiences, but I’d encourage you to try again with someone else. Finding the one is like job hunting—one bad experience doesn’t make all therapy bad. My current therapist is my second: The first wasn’t a good fit, and it was going nowhere. I almost gave up, but we talked, and she connected me with a guy who’s the perfect fit. With him, my healing and growth have been enormous and phenomenal.
4. Look into free consultations. Some therapists offer free consultations so you can get an idea if they’ll be a good fit. This lets you “shop around” before spending money.
5. Ask about their specialties and therapy method. Not all types or styles of therapy work for every personality type or every issue. For example, my previous therapist used “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy,” which didn’t do much for me. My current therapist uses “Emotion Focused Therapy,” and that style change made all the difference in the world. Also, if the history of your parents’ divorce includes things like alcoholism, sexual or physical abuse, etc., be aware that there are therapists who specialize in helping people heal from these specific traumas.
6. Ask around for recommendations. It can help to ask someone you know who’s had good therapy experiences, especially if their personality is similar to yours. Also consider asking your pastor, as he probably has connections to Catholic therapists and can recommend one.
7. Be open about your needs. If something’s not working, tell the therapist. They’ll be happy to change their approach or even help you find someone else. As I said above, my previous therapist and I didn’t click, so when I mentioned it, she happily referred me to someone she thought would be a better fit.
8. Be up front with financial concerns. Therapists don’t want to see money keep you from finding healing. They may offer sliding scales, payment plans, teletherapy options (which usually cost less), or recommend someone cheaper. Also, unspoken financial stress can hinder your being free and open in therapy, so don’t hide it.
9. Be ready. If you’re not really ready, it honestly may be better to wait. Therapy does take hard work, and not working at it can make your experience not great. You’ll make the most progress when you’re ready and can invest yourself in it.
Again, there are a lot of reasons we children of divorced parents avoid therapy like the plague, but it really can be a life-changing experience, so I really encourage you to look into it if you haven’t already! Remember, you are worth it!
Editor’s Note: We recommend the free course from the organization Souls and Hearts, called “A Catholic’s Guide to Choosing a Therapist,” as another helpful resource.
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Cafea Fruor (author’s pseudonym) is a 39-year-old woman whose parents divorced when she was 10. The wounds from the divorce changed her from a happy, sweet girl into a snarky, sarcastic, defensive, hurting, emotionally reserved curmudgeon. Having learned to be vulnerable through over two years of therapy, she has softened into the much more loving, joyful, happy woman she was made to be. Cafea wants to share her experience with you to give you hope that vulnerability isn’t such a bad thing after all.