Our wish list for the Synod on Synodality and the Vatican’s upcoming document on divorced-and-remarried Catholics
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Spanish Beggar Girl by Evgraf Semenovich Sorokin (1821–1892), Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons.
We at Life-Giving Wounds have been watching two major upcoming Church “moments” with prayerful attention:
The Synod on Synodality meeting in Rome this October – the preceding “working document” of the Synod (the Instrumentum Laboris) mentions divorce three times (specifically addressing those who are divorced and remarried)
An anticipated Vatican document about pastoral care for Catholics who are divorced and remarried, which is being developed at the request of Pope Francis (no release date yet)
Our mission and passion at Life-Giving Wounds is to give voice to the pain of adult children of divorce and separation and help them find transformative healing through Christ. We are privileged every day to walk alongside men and women seeking healing from the myriad ways their parents’ split has affected them and, keeping all ACODs close to our hearts, we wanted to share a “wish-list” for what we would love to see included both at the Synod and in the Vatican document. (This is a non-exhaustive list, as there are undoubtedly other worthwhile points to share.)
We offer these thoughts with deep and abiding love for our Church, trust in the Holy Spirit to guide our Church leaders, and hope that more and more ACODs will feel the Lord’s tender, ever-faithful love communicated through the Church, our Mother. That is our dream!
1.) That the fruit of marriage, children, will be remembered.
First and foremost, we hope that the Synod and the Vatican document will give ample and sustained attention to children of divorce, who are always the innocent victims of their parents’ split and as such deserve preferential treatment. The Catechism of the Catholic Church says that divorce “brings grave harm … to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them” (no. 2385, emphasis added). Victims of trauma need attention now.
Children should be central to any discussion of pastoral care for those affected by divorce: not an afterthought. We can take our example from Jesus. In Matthew 19, immediately after he gives clear teaching to the Pharisees about marriage and divorce, Christ says “what God has joined together, no human being must separate” (v. 6). He then welcomes children—over his disciples’ protests—saying, “the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (v. 14).
In our ministry, we address head-on the “wound of silence” many ACODs feel—the sense that their suffering doesn’t “count” or isn’t worthy of grieving. Hearing nothing but silence about their pain from the Church can compound their sense of isolation, while having their suffering acknowledged forthrightly and their stories received with love is a tremendous source of comfort and healing.
2.) Give children of divorce their own specific care
The path to healing is not identical for children of divorce and for divorced parents, so it is not enough to provide pastoral care for divorced or split-up parents and hope that there is a “trickle down” effect to their children. We know this both through research into the specific ways divorce affects children, and from listening to hundreds of ACODs through our ministry (a stance at the heart of the Synodal process). Some have publicly shared their stories with us.
For example: children of divorce face questions about their identity as the living embodiment of their parents’ union that is now split; they navigate complicated family structures in ways that their parents don’t; they must face fears about whether it’s even possible for marriages to be happy and lasting; and so on. Their relationship to God and the Church can be impacted, too, and not necessarily in the same ways as their parents. ACODs can see the faith as hypocritical when church-going parents divorce, or feel ambiguity toward God the Father if their father has abandoned the family, and so on.
A one-size-fits-all “divorce ministry” is not enough, and we have seen tremendous fruits of healing from providing ACODs with special times for them to grieve their wounds and receive the Lord’s healing, together with others who know the pain of a broken family.
3.) Remember the “standers”
Not all divorced persons wanted to be divorced. Some sought separation and/or civil divorce as a morally-legitimate last resort in situations of abuse or danger (see the Catechism, no. 2383, and the Code of Canon Law, can. 1153). Others were abandoned by their spouse and divorced against their will in our no-fault-divorce legal system. Many heroic men and women who have divorced reluctantly or have been abandoned against their will continue to “stand” for the permanency of their marriage vows—we hope that these “standers” will be acknowledged and honored by the Synod and the Vatican document.
“Standers” give a precious witness of steadfast marital fidelity even in the face of severe trials and loneliness. The Vatican’s recent document Catechumenal Pathways for Married Life encourages marriage preparation ministries to include on their teams “separated people who have remained faithful to the sacrament” (no. 21). And we have heard many times from ACODs how meaningful a mother’s or father’s dedication to their marriage vows has been for their own healing and ability to trust that promises can last. It would be tremendous if the often-hidden witness of “standers” was brought more to the forefront of discussions about marriage and divorce.
4.) Stay hopeful about marriage
Lastly, we hope that the Synod and the Vatican document challenge popular cynicism about lifelong marriage. Jesus’ own disciples expressed their doubts: after Jesus directed them back to “the beginning” of God’s plan for lifelong marriage, “[his] disciples said to him, ‘If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry’” (Mt 19:10).
Some conversations nowadays have suggested that many (if not most) marriages are invalid for various reasons, or that following the Church’s precepts on marriage—including chastity, openness to life, fidelity to one’s vows, and so on—is practically impossible for “normal” people.
We really need the truth and hope of God’s beautiful plan for marriage. Broken marriages cause pain and wreak havoc, especially for children and abandoned spouses. But this doesn’t mean that marriage itself is impossible or that love can’t last forever. God gives all spouses the graces they need to be faithful to their vows, in a special way those spouses united in the Sacrament of Marriage. The beautiful witness of couples whose marriage goes the distance is especially needed by ACODs, many of whom desire deeply to do what their parents were unable to do: live a faithful, lifelong marriage.
About the Author:
Bethany Meola is the co-founder and co-director of Life-Giving Wounds, together with her husband Dan. She holds a masters of theological studies from the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family in Washington, DC.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
What would you add to our wishlist for consideration at the Synod on Synodality and the anticipated Vatican document on the topic of Adult Children of Divorce? Please leave a detailed comment below.
Will you join us in praying for the upcoming Synod in October and the anticipated Vatican document, that they may hear our wishlist and consider these requests for inclusion?
