Advice for Navigating the Holidays as Adult Children of Divorce or Separation

As adult children of divorce or separation, we know that holidays are some of the most difficult times of the year because we experience anew family brokenness in so many ways during this time focused on being with family. I therefore asked the Life-Giving Wounds retreat team about what in the Christian faith has spiritually helped them through the holidays. Here are seven tips we came up with together as a group, including a book recommendation for Advent if you read on. (And yes these Christmas gnomes perfectly represent the existential crisis we all have navigating holidays . . . okay I just added them for humor to an otherwise serious topic.)

1 - Remember to Keep Christ First, Even Ahead of Family

We have found that a culture that rejects the permanence of family will paradoxically at times idolize the family. What we mean by this is that the culture often makes us believe that “holidays are all about family.” It is true that being with family at the holidays brings joy, security, a certain fullness, etc. and focusing on the family is a much better focus than the materialism of gift buying and giving that is also omnipresent in society. However, the holidays, in themselves, go much deeper than the family. For example, Christmas is about Christ. Yes, Christ is part of the Holy Family, which we celebrate, but the point is that. . .

A “successful holiday” isn’t the picture our culture tries to paint to us: a happy, loving family sitting around a Christmas tree, opening gifts, eating lots of good food, watching football, singing fa la la la while drinking egg nog.

Also, equally dangerous is that we have to be careful to not obsess about how to please everyone in our family or brood over the messed-up family dynamics as these things too keep our gaze away from Christ and puts family ahead of Him.

Christ is the center of everything and when we dive into this reality, especially by participating in the liturgy and the liturgical traditions, it can help reorient our focus and our measure of “success” during the holidays.

Of course, we are NOT diminishing the importance of family around this time, but just making the point that ironically our culture at least once or twice a year has made families “God,” prioritizing them over Him. The order for our holidays, and spiritual life in general, should go first Christ, then our spouses, next our children, and then our extended families of parents, in-laws, siblings, etc.

Sharing and being aware of Christ within you is the greatest gift and joy you can give to your family this holiday season, even if it is hidden and not explicit with some family members.

If you are married, engaged, or dating, then read the next tip. If not, then skip to tip three. (Note: for simplicity sake we are just going to refer to people as married when writing the next tip because that covers all of the possible situations.)

2 - Reflect upon Mutual Expectations for the Holidays and Before the Trip to Visit Family

If married, then make sure to make the decision together with your spouse about how both as spouses and as a family you will keep Christ first this year. Also, after this discussion, then discern together about expectations and hope-filled outcomes with extended family.

Ask these questions: How would you like to ideally spend your time? How much time visiting who? How much time would we like to spend as a family? What is acceptable behavior at these gatherings? What is not? What are we going to do about it if something is not acceptable?

Take these questions to prayer and have follow up conversations as necessary. Hopefully this will get easier and less time consuming every year as you gain a greater sense of family dynamics, boundaries, and what each person needs and desires.

3 - Fostering the Sense of the Indwelling Presence of the Holy Spirit

Another way to keep Christ first this holiday season, especially when things are difficult, is to retreat within to God who resides within you. At Baptism, we were given the great gifts of not just forgiveness of sin and being adopted into God’s beloved family, but also infused with faith, partakers of the divine nature, and the grace of the Holy Spirit that comes to dwell within us in a unique way . We become “temples of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19) to use St. Paul’s language.

Recalling this fact of our Baptism – that the Divine is always present within us – reminds us that we are not alone, that He sees the truth of every situation, and that He suffers with me and in me. It is also a great truth to recall to help you pray in any moment. It is important a few times a day to step away from the activity, retreat within yourself, and pray to God wherever you are.

If you have more time, one of our spiritual advisors Fr. Jim McComack, MIC highly recommends the book “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young to begin reading this Advent to better cultivate this sense of the Holy Spirit within you and present every day in your life’s circumstances. Although the author is Protestant, the contents of the book are surprisingly Catholic. It’s designed as a series of meditations spread out over the whole year, and one of the central themes is being able to ‘step back’ interiorly, even while in the midst of activity, so as to re-connect with the Lord and to keep our focus on Him. This will help us build the virtue of gratitude and joy and make us resist the temptation that we are left ‘empty-handed’ this holiday season compared to our friends from intact homes.

4 - Pray and Visualize with Christ a Holy Response to Difficult Situations

I love football and one of the best ways a player can prepare for an upcoming game is to visualize many times how he would react to certain difficult situations and plays, down to the very minute details of how his body will move in response to an opposing player’s tactics and tendencies. This technique has been found to be very effective in developing skill on the football field and it is actually very helpful for developing virtue as well.

Set aside a chunk of time in prayer before family gatherings to think about the uncomfortable and unhealthy situations in which you often find yourself – there are often patterns! Think and pray about how Christ would like you to handle these situations; then imagine yourself handling the situation well. Consider practicing specific words and phrases that would be helpful. Repeat as necessary. And pray for the people with whom you have the hardest time.

5 - Fill to the Brim God’s Graces Given in the Sacraments Before, During, and After Family Visits

We have already mentioned the liturgy and liturgical traditions, but our holiday spiritual plan should consider the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the devotion of Eucharistic Adoration (praying in front of the Eucharist in a chapel or church) as well.

By going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation we receive God’s forgiveness for our sins and weaknesses and therefore cultivate more merciful hearts to those family around us who will fail and are sinners just like us.

Moreover, we are probably going to make mistakes every holiday season with how we handle family, so it is best to simply admit them when they happen and go during and after we visit as well.

Regarding the devotion of Eucharistic Adoration, while God is within us from the Sacrament of Baptism mentioned above, God also always remains transcendent (such that we are never God but only partakers in His nature and love!) and there is a unique presence of Christ in the Eucharist. As Catholics we believe the Eucharist is His very self presence for us in the flesh.

Divine Love has come down to earth and stayed with us! As such, a church with Eucharistic Adoration is a holy, special, and unique place to pray, receive graces, and help us prepare for time with family.

Try finding a church that has Eucharistic Adoration as many of churches have extended hours for the holiday seasons. Stop by once or more. And what should you do during your prayer time there? Well what we suggested above! Reflect upon the presence of Christ within you and your life, expectations, and visualize and pray about how to best respond to your family. The guiding question for your prayer: how can we best bring Christ to encounters so that they may be as life-giving as possible?

6 - Stay Humble and Learn from Others about Navigating the Holidays

We know that we don’t have all the answers for this big topic in one simple, pithy blog post and encourage you to learn from different perspectives and people. Have a resource to share with others? Please share it below in the comments. In the meantime, you may want to check out the Restored podcast about navigating the holidays as an adult child of divorce from a Denver group doing good work called by the same name Restored.

7 - Keep in Touch with Friends who Know You

Finally, throughout the actual days that you are with family, a quick text to an understanding friend, especially another adult child of divorce or separation (maybe one you met on one of our Life-Giving Wounds Retreats if you are an alumni?!), can make a huge difference. It makes you feel less alone – someone sees you, understands you, validates your pain, even if your family doesn’t. We cannot be holy on our own, we need personal community, which is why we founded Life-Giving Wounds ministry to build up this friendship.

We pray that you have a truly joyful holiday season this year, even if there are moments of suffering. You can regain the joy that Christ wants to give you this and every holiday season! Be assured of our prayers.