Sibling to Sibling Challenges and Opportunities for ACODs
“But I say to you, whoever is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment…Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother.”
Christ said, “I have told you…in the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have conquered the world” (Jn 16:33). We will all have trouble in our lives, as well as opportunities to grow by working with Christ to address and overcome those troubles. As adult children of divorce (ACOD) we might have different or additional troubles that challenge us, as is well documented in the literature on the Life-Giving Wounds website.
One common ACOD challenge is that typical sibling-to-sibling relationship “issues” can be impacted by the family upheaval, and relationships between step-siblings bring fresh challenges, which sometimes can make a bad thing (divorce) worse and can cause even further alienation and discouragement between existing and new family members.
In childhood we were trapped in situations, but as adults we can try to reframe these troubled relationships into opportunities to grow and develop a different loving and life-giving response. How can we shift from past automatic reactions of anger and sorrow to prudent and loving responses with our siblings and step-siblings in the present?
Ron Deal, creator of Smart Stepfamilies, mentions four relationship challenges for siblings and step-siblings. Let’s briefly explore these challenges from the perspective of temperaments to understand how our particular reaction to our siblings due to divorce and remarriage might help us to shift to a better response in our adult life going forward. (Temperament is the study of how people tend to react to various situations and challenges. )
1.) Unclear relationships between step-siblings: Are we really siblings? What do we call each other: brother? sister? first name? nickname? Re-imagine those chaotic days with the double hit of the deconstruction of your family of origin and the reconstruction of a new family, often stilted by the forced harmony to be “one happy family” with all these strangers. Under these stressful and fearful conditions we often see this new marriage enterprise as an unfortunate ordeal. Perhaps little support was offered to us, and the result was poor relationships and bad outcomes (Deal mentions that this often happens). We learn more about isolating, faking it, acting out, and stuffing our feelings than we do about strengthening bonds and familial ties. And the more we dread, the worse it gets.
The introverted temperaments usually are tempted to withdraw or isolate under stress. The phlegmatic might disguise internal turmoil and insincerely go along with the new program to reduce stress. The melancholic prefers and cherishes just a few friends and confidantes and would probably grumpily withdraw rather than partake in a forced harmonization with strangers. The extraverted sanguine might initially go along with the forced harmony, but without a strong interpersonal connection would probably look for closeness outside the family. The bold choleric is likely to speak out and rebel at something so artificially forced and could get labelled as a trouble-maker and look for support outside of the family.
What might we do differently now? Now we realize that we children were all in the same situation with limited options and little impact on our environment. To work toward forgiveness, we might remember that our parents and step-parents were probably trying to do their best, in a time when research on “blended” families was thin and guidance was often misdirected. But now we can try to create as much intimacy and harmony with our step-siblings that we both want, and not have to force things either way. Now we might propose a better and more realistic future based on grace, and freedom of responses which are intended to create an appropriate connection as adults.
2.) Biological siblings and parents are “insiders” and step-siblings and step-parents can be “outsiders.” The “us vs. them” and “insiders vs outsiders” frame is big trouble. As Amanda Ripley argues in her book High Conflict, an “us vs. them” mentality can put members in a trance-like state with nowhere to go but endless feuds and misunderstandings.
As children, the sanguine and phlegmatic may have been tempted to deny or minimize the high conflict or to see it as hopelessly incapable of genuine harmony. The temperaments more comfortable addressing conflict, like the melancholic and choleric, might have fought by complaining and fighting the forced harmony but have battle scars that leave them and the sibling relationships in bad shape.
But what about these days as adults? We can all acknowledge how uncomfortable and awkward it all was back then. We can try to overcome the “us” versus “them” approach and commiserate with a shared experience based on humbly acknowledging the tough hand we were all dealt and seeing if we can now salvage a relationship based on freedom and not coercion. Perhaps a unifying bridge can be built with the great gifts of curiosity and empathy: “You know, Susan, so often I felt like me and my family were the enemy under your roof. Did it feel that way to you? I’d really like to understand your take better and try to leave that old way of thinking behind. I no longer feel that way.” Leaving the binary win-at-all-costs of “us vs them” behind and prioritizing instead a bridge of mutual understanding with shared perspectives goes right to the heart of the high conflict and can possibly bring peace, mutual understanding, new ideas and new approaches.
3.) Discussing the emotional impact of the divorce and re-marriage was nearly impossible when we were children of divorce. Sadness or criticism were seen as betraying the new order with negativity. So the introverts (phlegmatic and melancholics) tended to outwardly comply or withdraw in silence, feeling horrible inside; and the extraverts (cholerics and sanguines) often acted out angrily or ran away and were blamed for causing even more stress.
This bind of repression or acting out is terribly debilitating and for many of us left a lifetime of helplessness with our difficult feelings. Listening to understand and lovingly leaning in with empathy and curiosity takes us out of the fear-driving fight, flight and freeze mode and introduces a fourth option of mutual understanding and empathic appreciation.
4. The younger siblings are usually more able and willing to buy into and participate in the new marriage / arrangement, sometimes causing difficulties with older siblings who often struggle more. Often the conflict is not just between step-siblings but often between biological siblings on their roles and response. Why were the older siblings always fussing over this? Why do the younger siblings cave in when this is so wrong? A key here is to realize that in addition to the temperament reaction, developmental stage, birth order, and age made a difference in regards to openness and loyalty. Each sibling was cast in a role not of their choosing and the unconscious forces to respond a certain way could hardly be overcome or dismissed in that remarriage situation. What’s a child or teen to do? But now, with greater understanding and freedom, we can try to offer to get the unconscious factors behind us and hit the refresh button.
As the gospel of Matthew challenges us, let’s start anew as free, Christ-filled adults to explore if something good and loving might be built with our wounded siblings. Maybe it can and maybe it cannot. But being free from the hypnotic spell of “us vs. them” could help us possibly build new relationships based not on compulsion or false harmony, but on shared experiences that present new opportunities for freely growing and bonding with love, radical interest and understanding.
About the Author:
Art Bennett has co-written three books on the temperaments with his spouse, Laraine (The Temperament God Gave You, The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse and the Temperament God Gave Your Kids). Laraine comes from an intact family. Art is a ACOD and also a board member of Life-Giving Wounds. To determine your temperament, go to www.temperamentquiz.com
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
“How can we shift from past automatic reactions of anger and sorrow to prudent and loving responses with our siblings and step-siblings in the present?”
If you have step-siblings, do you remember your initial introduction to them? What was your experience? How did you react?
How can you build a better bridge with your family and step-family going forward?
Are you familiar with your temperament? What tendencies did you show during and after your parents’ divorce? What tendencies do you still have and how does it effect your relationship with family and step-family members?