Outliers: Finding Wholeness Through Faith and Community
Knippers, E. (2008). The Resurrection of Lazarus [Painting]. (CC BY-NC 4.0 Licence)
Author’s note about this painting: A contemporary, almost abstract depiction of the resurrection of Lazarus. It symbolizes rebirth after spiritual deadness, much like how the author found faith in the Catholic community despite the potential for disengagement due to his family background.
[Editor’s Note: “Communio is a nonprofit ministry that trains and equips churches to share the Gospel through the renewal of healthy relationships, marriages, and the family.” (https://communio.org/about/) In 2023, they published a Nationwide Study on Faith & Relationships. Life-Giving Wounds has asked a number of our blog contributors to provide their thoughts and reactions to their study because we found these stats “eye opening;” we encourage you to read the full study. If you would like to write your own response to the Communio study from the perspective of an adult child of divorce or separation, we are happy to work with you to publish it on our blog.]
I am an outlier. According to a study released by Communio, 80% of churchgoers grew up in homes with continuously married parents. This highlights a strong correlation between family structure, church participation, and faith engagement. By contrast, only 20% of churchgoers come from families of divorce or other nontraditional family structures, which makes my story one of the rare exceptions. Without God’s grace, I could have easily fallen into the 20% who disengage from their faith and the practice of attending Mass.
My parents divorced when I was about 16 or 17 years old. With my father being Muslim and my mother Catholic, the faith dynamic in our household was complex—even before their separation. While my father did not carry the Catholic faith at home, my mother ensured that we never missed Mass, whether before or after the divorce. Interestingly, my father would occasionally join us at church, though faith was not a regular practice for him.
When I was around 13 or 14 years old, my cousins, who were heavily involved in a Catholic youth group, became my inspiration. They frequently talked about the fun activities and deep friendships they experienced in their group. I was envious and wanted to join them. My mother agreed to let me attend one of their weekend retreats, and that decision altered my life’s trajectory.
It was through this youth group that the first tangible buddings of my faith sprouted. I had never engaged in praise and worship before, and the music deeply moved me. For the first time, I felt a closeness with God that I had never experienced. As a teenager, I eventually joined the praise and worship team as a drummer, which allowed me to travel, meet new friends, and grow in my faith.
This youth group provided more than just spiritual nourishment—it gave me examples of what healthy, faith-filled relationships could look like. The ministry, which supported members from “womb to tomb,” included a “singles” ministry for young adults. Couples in leadership roles were always present to guide us spiritually and serve as role models for Catholic marriage and family life.
At 25 years old, I married my wife, Arlyn. For the record, we met during our time as president and vice president of the campus ministry at Kean University. (Our relationship at the time was strictly professional—though during one prayer meeting, I remember thinking, I would love to marry a woman like this.) Now, twenty-five years later, we are happily married and blessed with three beautiful daughters.
Our early years of marriage were anything but easy. Moving in together for the first time after our wedding in 2008, I was surprised by how challenging those first three to four years were. Looking back, I realize that my own unresolved family wounds and the normal growing pains of early marriage made this period particularly difficult.
According to Communio, cohabiting couples are more likely to experience dissatisfaction in their relationships than those who marry before living together. I cannot speak from personal experience about cohabitation, but I firmly believe that being married in the Church before living together gave us the grace and accountability we needed to persevere through those tough early years. Without the sacrament of marriage binding us, I might not have stayed through those challenges. Today, I can say that while we may have missed out on a “honeymoon period,” we now enjoy a deeply satisfying and joy-filled marriage built on trust and faith.
In my work as a mental health provider, I have observed a phenomenon I call the “Jersey City Shuffle.” Many of my patients in cohabiting relationships feel stuck because they are financially intertwined with their partners, often tied to shared leases. They express dissatisfaction but struggle to leave, convincing themselves to “wait until the lease is up.” It is heartbreaking to witness this cycle of uncertainty, often compounded by the hesitation of one partner—typically the man—to fully commit. Communio’s study reinforces this observation, noting that cohabiting couples report significantly lower relationship satisfaction compared to married couples (cf. pages 10-11 of the Communio study).
Reflecting on my own journey, I see how God has had a plan for my life, even when my family structure did not seem to align with a faith-filled path. Recently in prayer I was contemplating on the goodness of God that despite the absence of having a father in the faith, my three young daughters are growing strong roots in the Church than I ever had at their age. So much so that they are now telling me about saints and their stories that I partially or even never knew of. In that time of prayer, I felt consoled by the Lord and Him urging me on to be the good soil so that the roots of their spiritual life and their fruits may develop to their fullest.
Though I lacked a father who actively carried the faith in my home, I have always felt the guiding hand of my heavenly Father. Having a strong, supportive faith community in my youth bridged the gaps left by my family wounds and gave me the foundation to build the wholeness and joy I now experience.
To anyone who feels like an outlier in their faith journey, know that God can take your story and make it one of redemption. You do not need a perfect family background to live a life of faith and purpose. Sometimes, God works through the very cracks in our lives to let His light shine through.
Prayer for Community:
Embracing Father,
You grace each of us with equal measure in your love.
Let us learn to love our neighbors more deeply,
so that we can create
peaceful and just communities.
Inspire us to use our creative energies
to build the structures we need
to overcome the obstacles
of intolerance and indifference.
May Jesus provide us the example needed
and send the Spirit to warm our hearts for the journey.
Amen
(The above prayer was found on the USCCB website here.)
About the author:
Salman is a 41 year old husband to one and girl-dad of three, Child and Adult Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, music dabbler, podcast host of “The Upstream Podcast with Salman, like the Fish,” CrossFit Masters division athlete, Ironman finisher, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu white belt, and, most importantly, an aspiring Catholic.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Have you ever felt like an ‘outlier’ in your faith community? If so, how did you navigate that experience?
What has been your journey of faith? What brought you to, or kept you in, communion with God?
How do you find faith and community in your life and experience? Do you have a support system? How can you help others who do not feel a part of a community?
For those of you in a marriage or religious community, what was it like for you binding yourself, in a self-giving way, into that communal body?
What role do you play in the faith of your community: domestic, religious, church, and/or local?
How can you help build a supportive faith community for youth at your church to bridge the gaps left by family wounds and give others the foundation to build wholeness?
What role does community play in your spiritual life? Are you actively involved in a faith-based community, or do you feel disconnected? How might community help you grow closer to God?
What cracks is God working through in your life to draw you into faith and community?