Honoring Your Father and Mother....As a Child of Divorce

When we reflect on our duty as children of divorced or separated parents, most of us are familiar with the Fourth Commandment: honor your father and your mother.  Trying to unravel our tangled feelings about our parents is one of our greatest challenges.  Being robbed of a unified family life is not an easy subject to approach since their decision to divorce or separate played a remarkably impactful role in our lives. 

The Fourth Commandment means that the respect of children, for their father and mother, is required by God’s commandment (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC] 2214.)  It also reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents including material and moral support in their old age including illness, loneliness, and distress (CCC 2218.) 

But the Catechism tells us that the Fourth Commandment also has demands for parents, stating that parents must regard their children as ‘children of God’ and respect them as ‘human persons’ (CCC 2222).  It further tells us, “Parents have a grave responsibility to give good example to their children.  By knowing how to acknowledge their own failings to their children, parents will be better able to guide and correct them…   Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (CCC 2223.)    (For complete instruction, please refer to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, Article 4 on the Fourth Commandment #2197-2257.)

After reading all of this, I reflected that maybe I hadn’t been regarded as a child of God nor had my parental examples been the best. My father and mother separated when I was eleven, and divorced when I was fifteen, and while my father kept busy with his life, my mother seemed drowned in despair.. As an only child, I often felt lost. I don’t remember listening to my parents acknowledging their failings, and I wondered about the validity of the corrections I received.  Yes, I was sent to Catholic school, but my Catholic practice at home was lacking until my mother searched for God and became a true believer. 

So, given my circumstances, what did the Fourth Commandment have to teach me?  It taught me that I would probably have to be the one to take charitable action towards my parents. I needed to interrogate my own feelings about my parents, and also think ahead to their elderly years, when it was likely they would need me more. If I wanted to grow in my faith in God, I would have to take the bull by the horns and think about my responsibility towards God, and towards my mother and father, as hard as it might be.

After I decided to try my best to be obedient to God and to the Fourth Commandment, my life definitely changed.  It was frustrating and difficult, but at the same time, it was humbling and liberating.  I chose to become my father’s driver for about three years, taking him to many doctors’ appointments and his other activities. He and I spent so much time in the car that we had no choice but to talk about many topics including religion, politics, world issues, extended family matters, family history, and so on.  I listened to many family stories, some about his childhood memories.  Often conversations came up that made me feel very uncomfortable, but, in retrospect, those were the closest moments we shared. As the end of his life approached, I felt blessed by this time together. He thanked me for all the time I spent helping him. 

My process with my mother was different because she and I seemed to spend our worst moments together, and later we lived close to each other. She never got over the divorce and that tension affected all of us, lasting until her very last breath. She needed to be in close contact with the family so we spent time together daily. After she stopped driving, I also became her driver, taking her everywhere she needed to go and to Church.  As her health declined, it became more difficult to accommodate all the driving for both parents, and only by the grace of God I did it.

Both of my parents passed away within a fifteen month period.  I had spent a lot of time seeing them each daily that after their deaths I felt empty inside.  Even though the final burden had been lifted, it took me months to rethink and reorganize my life, my mind, and my heart. The negative, harsh feelings I was used to carrying around all of a sudden were disappearing and it felt very strange. I had spent most of my life filled with the despair of their divorce and now I had been disconnected from it. It was odd knowing that for the first time in my life I could finally be myself. This was mind-blowing!  And there’s still so much I need to learn about myself. Three and a half years later I’m still processing this newly found feeling of freedom.  I am definitely a work in progress (as we all are)…

I learned that nothing remains the same and being open to change helps to smooth things out. My faith has been the constant factor that kept me sane. Whenever I felt that I wanted to give up and run away, my faith kept me on task.  My relationship with Jesus and his Blessed Mother was my anchor. 

Thanks to trying to follow the Fourth Commandment and show love to my parents, I was able to recognize their own vulnerability and weaknesses. I also became cognizant that I wanted to be a better child of God. As I tried to work with my imperfections, I realized that my parents were also imperfect.  I realized that they probably experienced their own silence and withdrawn emotions just like me. After much thought I decided to try to honor my father and my mother and allow God the opportunity to work with me.  

Throughout my journey, I allowed St. Teresa of Avila’s phrase determined determination to influence my daily activities.  I impressed this saying into my heart so I could be reminded that I needed to be determined about what I wanted to change, and my determination was a requirement. St. Teresa, a Carmelite and the first woman Doctor of the Church, was an exemplary achiever, both as an author and as the founder of many cloistered communities for women.  Her influence moved St. John of the Cross, a fellow Carmelite and Doctor of the Church, to reform and found discalced communities for men. I wondered, if she could achieve so much, what was holding me back?  I wanted to heal my inner wound, and this Fourth Commandment challenge seemed like a good starting point.

A couple of Sundays ago the Gospel reading was on the Parable of the Two Sons (Mt 21:28-32). As I listened, I related to the first son, who initially disobeyed his father but then did the job he was asked to do.  I could see myself dreading what would eventually happen and complaining through it . But I deduced that God knew my heart inside and out and knew that I would eventually comply with the best of my ability.  After I did, I felt peace and no remorse, and that is a great feeling. 

As children of divorced or separated parents, our personal experiences are distinct and unique. However, we all share a common thread that allows us to understand each other’s pain.  We’ve experienced the brokenness of our parents’ divorce but, if we choose, we don’t have to continue living a broken life.  We can decide, with the help of God and others, to heal from our inner pain.  We can choose to walk with God and be surprised by his holy will.  Think about this: the Bible tells us to be not afraid approximately 365 times.  God is always present just waiting for us to ask for his help. Shall we decide to be obedient to the Fourth Commandment?

The following prayer written by St. Teresa of Avila has been a source of hope and peace for me.  I hope it can be for you as well.

Let nothing disturb you,

Let nothing frighten you,

All things are passing away;

God never changes.

Patience obtains all things.

Whoever has God lacks nothing;

God alone suffices.

 ————

Graciela Rodriguez and her husband have been married for 50 years. They have two adult married children who have given them one granddaughter and two grandsons.  She completed her MA in Pastoral Ministry in 2016 from Barry University.  Her pastoral project, Maestro, ¿dónde vives? Vengan y vean. La Dirección Espiritual, Caminando con Jesús, was published in 2017 by the Piarist Order in their journal Analecta Calasanctiana.  She has served as facilitator for a Life-Giving Wounds support group in Miami, Florida.