Finding Healing as an Adult Child of Divorce
[El Buen Pastor] [Material gráfico] by http://datos.bne.es/resource/XX1794390 - National Library of Spain, Spain - CC BY-NC-SA.
[Editor’s Note: While Life-Giving Wounds does not officially 'endorse' books, podcasts, etc., we do have a compilation of resources that many adult children of divorce have found helpful, on our website here: https://www.lifegivingwounds.org/helpful-links.]
With being an Adult Child of Divorce comes a healing journey that is complicated and messy, at best. This is the most succinct way to describe my own personal healing journey. It is one that I am very much still on, but I know that I am healing and am on the up and up. Like you, my journey has not been linear by any stretch of the imagination. It is one of many turns, bumps and painful feelings resurfacing—but that is because I, like you, am still healing. Healing is not linear; however, the healing journey is always oriented towards heaven, so we are always headed heavenward in our healing. In this post, I will share six points that have been instrumental and life-changing—for me—in my journey towards healing.
1.) Stewarding the Body
Healthy living heals.
On my heart-healing journey, taking care of my temple (my body; see 1 Corinthians 6:19) has been essential. I have learned better ways to give my body the proper care that it needs. This is vital in healing my mental and emotional health.
These lessons include:
Making sure that I am prioritizing getting enough sleep; creating rituals before going to bed has been revolutionary in helping me to go to sleep at a decent hour and to wake up earlier to make the most of the days that God has given me.
Cooking healthy meals for myself and making sure that I am eating healthy and balanced foods and drinking enough water; I love to cook my own meals that I know are generally much healthier than always eating out.
Making sure that I am getting the vital exercise that I need; I love to go for runs and walks and to do workouts.
Stewarding my body has been a crucial element to my healing journey, along with leisure, which brings me to my next point….
2.) Making Time for Leisure (CCC 2184-2187)
Finding things that you love to do for rest and for pure joy are just as important. I love to read great books, I love to listen to beautiful music, I love to write, and to try new recipes. Plus, going for quiet walks and getting out into nature has been so healing. Beauty has a way of healing the heart. I encourage you to do the same, as well. Take care of your body and your physical health, but do not forget about rest and leisure, too! Also, never devalue or underestimate what surrounding yourself with beauty can do for your heart: whether in nature, such as stopping to admire a beautiful flower or leaf or listening to beautiful praise and worship. Healthy living heals. Beauty also heals. This message is so eloquently delivered by this quotation from Pope Benedict XVI:
“...we live in a society in which it seems that every space, every moment must be “filled” with projects, activities and noise; there is often no time even to listen or to converse. Dear brothers and sisters, let us not fear to create silence, within and outside ourselves, if we wish to be able not only to become aware of God’s voice but also to make out the voice of the person beside us, the voices of others.”
3.) Choosing to express
I do my best to never hold my feelings in, but to find healthy ways of feeling, fully processing, and expressing them. This is a choice. It can be so easy to ignore our true feelings and stuff them down, but that is so detrimental! I speak from the experience of stuffing my own feelings and denying the fact - for years - that I was hurt by my parents’ divorce at all. All throughout my teenage years, I denied the pain and I stuffed it down. I urge you to never do that.
Honor your feelings. They deserve to be felt and they deserve to be seen and acknowledged by you - the one whose heart they may have been paining for years. Some things that I do for my heart are journaling, allowing myself to cry when needed, talking to myself out loud about my emotions in front of a mirror, and finding a creative way to express them, which for me is writing. Also, exercising and moving my body can really help, as mentioned in my previous points.
These are some things that I do especially when I do not feel like I can talk to anyone about them, as my next point is….
4.) Going to Therapy
Sometimes our pains from the past can become too much for us to process on our own, and that is alright! The heart can only take so much. Sometimes we may need to seek out help from someone outside of our situation who can help us in an objective way, or provide an alternative, and possibly deeper, perspective. Going to therapy has helped me to process my old wounds by expressing my feelings and getting them out, but also getting to the root of certain difficult emotions and seeing how they might be connected to old wounds from the past. This can be so painful, but I promise you that it is worth it one hundred percent! I would encourage you to go to therapy, especially if you have been bogged down by old wounds for a long time.
A therapist can help you to process your pain in a healthy way and since the person is not personally connected to you, they will be honest and forthright with you in a way that your friends and family members will possibly not be. For me, gaining a greater perspective has been a huge aspect of my healing journey and therapy has played a huge role in helping me to get that perspective by looking at the bigger picture that I did not see before. I will say with all my sensitivity that I know just how hard it is to look at our wounds, but I promise you that it is completely and totally worth it. It is completely life-changing. I remember my first few times acknowledging these long held wounds in therapy, and I remember gaining the perspective that many adult children of divorce feel a sense of abandonment (a perspective I had never had). I also learned about the importance of having compassion for my parents, a journey I am very much still on.
5.) Read Healing Works
I have it to be so instrumental in my healing journey to read healing books, articles, and to listen to podcasts, such as the Restored Podcast. A couple of healing books that I would personally recommend are Be Healed by Dr. Bob Schuchts and It’s Not Your Fault by Joey Pontarelli. I would also recommend reading more articles on the Life- Giving Wounds blog as well as on the Restored Ministries blog. You can find that other people have been through the same or similar kind of things and carry similar wounds.
For me, it is so healing to read other people’s stories because it lets me know that I am not alone in any of my pain, that healing is possible and available, and that my parents’ divorce and broken, complicated family dynamics do not define me or who I am, or what I can accomplish in my life. I would encourage you to read healing works, as well. It has truly changed the course of this journey! Along with the most important step….
6.) Drawing Near to the Healer Himself
Jesus wants to heal you. He came so that you may have life in abundance (John 10:10). He promises peace (John 14:27). The Lord cares for your heart and He wants the freedom, the peace, and the joy that He promises for you.
You are not stuck to suffocate alone with your wounds anymore! Jesus can redeem them. In fact, He wants to! He cares for your heart, and He wants you to be free so that you may have the abundant life that He promises. He wants to heal you so that you are free to love and to let yourself be loved. Jesus waits for you to come to Him with your burdens, for He promises you rest (Matthew 11:28).
My Catholic faith has been the biggest instrument of my healing journey. Taking my pain to Jesus, the Healer and the Good Shepherd who is my Savior, has been the biggest source of healing. Spilling out my hurting heart to Him through prayer journaling, time in Adoration, through the Sacraments, and through always telling Him in the most real and raw way about my pain, even though He already knows.
I am so grateful to Him for how far I have come on this messy journey towards healing, which is still a mess, but Jesus is not afraid of our mess. He is not afraid of you crying in front of Him. He wants to comfort you! He is not afraid of your messy emotions. He can take your anger, your confusion, your sorrow, your hurt because He loves you and He desires to heal you and to come into a deeper union with you. Never be afraid to turn to Jesus with anything. Receive Him in the Eucharist. Go to Confession regularly. If possible, go to daily Mass. Talk to Him in a real and raw way about your pain. I promise you that you will find healing and renewal in Him. He is a faithful and steadfast God who is trustworthy. He is who He says He is. He keeps His promises. Jesus is the Healer and He is the one who can truly grant you the desires of your heart. He is the Good Shepherd. He is the way, the truth, and the life. Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you (See verse James 4:8).
Jesus asks nothing from you. He only asks for your heart. All you need to do is reach out your hand to Him and He will lead you as you embark on the journey towards healing.
Conclusion
The healing journey as an adult child of divorce is a journey that we will forever be on through our earthly pilgrimage. It is one that we must not do alone! We have to do it with Jesus, and He will bring us the healing and the renewal that we are seeking. Once we have grown up, we can now see our childhoods and our families through a whole new lens that can ultimately be instrumental in our healing, is what I am finding as I am very much on the journey.
Writing this here for you today is a healing step for me. As we grow up, we can see our parents as imperfect and flawed human beings who have made mistakes, and hopefully, if we ask God for the grace, to be able to have compassion for them and forgive them one day. It is a slow process! It takes time and it is not instantaneous, but God’s work is slow. He is softening our hearts. He is healing our hearts. He is working His love and His grace through it all. If we open our hearts to Him and allow the Lord to work to heal us. We just have to take that first step with the Lord. We just have to make that counseling appointment or do that healing exercise, or ask for prayers.
The Lord can use our sufferings to make beauty from the ashes for our good and for His glory. Take His hand and He will lead you the rest of the way.
Footnotes:
Pope Benedict XVI. (2010). PASTORAL VISIT TO SULMONA EUCHARISTIC CONCELEBRATION HOMILY OF HIS HOLINESS BENEDICT XVI. Vatican. https://www.vatican.va/content/benedict-xvi/en/homilies/2010/documents/hf_ben-xvi_hom_20100704_sulmona.html
Prayer: Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
The LORD is my shepherd;
there is nothing I lack.
In green pastures he makes me lie down;
to still waters he leads me;
he restores my soul.
He guides me along right paths
for the sake of his name.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff comfort me.
You set a table before me
in front of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Indeed, goodness and mercy will pursue me
all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of the LORD
for endless days.
(This translation was found on the USCCB website here.)
About the Author:
Isabel is a young adult child of divorce; her parents divorced when she was eleven. She is passionate about her Catholic faith, writing, traveling and living life in abundance. She is so grateful to have found Life-Giving Wounds and to be sharing her work to find healing with the hopes of building community with those like herself.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
What step most stands out to you? Which one do you feel the Lord pulling you to act upon most at this moment?
What other steps would you add to the list, from your experience?
Do you have a lived experience of any of these steps?
How do you conceptualize your healing journey?