A Graduation Observed
Johann Georg Melchior Schmidtner’s Mary Untier of Knots (1625-1705), Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
May. The time of year when all sorts of graduation and commencement ceremonies take place. May 2024. The moment when the youngest Wolfe child graduated from high school, thus allowing our divorced parents to not have to live in the same town. This has been a long time coming.
My parents divorced around the year 2010. I, the oldest child, was a senior in college at that time, while my baby brother was but the tender age of four. The courts ruled in those days that my younger siblings still in school would have to “switch” back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s house until they left for college. Reference was made to the eventual graduation of the youngest child, which at that point was fourteen years down the road. That day has finally come and passed.
When I graduated from college in 2011, my parents’ divorce was fresh and completely heart-rending. After Baccalaureate Mass we took pictures: one with me and dad, and another with me and mom… but none of the three of us together. The commencement ceremony was fine, but the picnic afterwards was really awkward. Most of my friends were celebrating joyfully with their families – I was torn asunder. I put on a brave face, but I did not leave that party without shedding a few tears.
My little brother’s recent graduation was different. The party was at mom’s house before the commencement ceremony. My siblings and I had all traveled in, my mom’s parents were there as well, a dear family friend was also there… and my mom invited my dad over as well… and he said yes. Coincidentally, my mom’s husband of the past five years was not around that day, so it really looked like a family party from before the divorce (which my little brother probably has no memory of, since he was so young). My parents got along well, the food was great, the weather was fantastic, and the overall feeling of the day was actually quite pleasant. My little brother told everyone about where he is going for college, what he wants to study, and what he is looking forward to.
At one moment during the party, I thought to myself, “…Was this really so bad? Was this family life really so bad that it was deemed not worth fighting for?” While I do know that my parents’ relationship was not great, I still could not help feeling a little sad.
I name this reflection, “A Graduation Observed,” after C.S. Lewis’ short book, A Grief Observed. In this book, Lewis recounts his experience of loss after his wife died. He shares about trying to remember his wife accurately, trying to go back to work again, trying to care about basic tasks, and even trying to continue believing in God. Something interesting is said in the first few pages:
“There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don’t really mind so much, not so very much, after all… People get over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace. On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos. Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least clean and honest. ”
We sometimes speak of our parents’ divorce as a death: it wasn’t the death of a living person, but it was the death of a living bond… a bond to which we, the children, are inexorably and intrinsically related. The culture, however, tries to skirt the devastating loss under the rug and expects us to just “get over it.” One might be tempted to say to me, with regard to my little brother’s graduation party, “Weren’t you grateful that everyone was getting along nicely? What was there to be sad about? Would you rather that it had been like your own, with all the pain and awkwardness and embarrassment?” To this, I would respond: in a certain sense, yes. Like C.S. Lewis, I almost prefer the moments of agony – at least they are clean and honest. At my own graduation, the loss was acknowledged and felt rather than ignored and denied.
Continuing to speak about life after his wife’s death, Lewis says,
“It is hard to have patience with people who say, ‘There is no death’ or ‘Death doesn’t matter.’ There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn’t matter. I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain that in all those vast times and spaces, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn? ”
We are often told that our parent’s divorce does not matter, or that it has no consequences on us. But there was a union. And now it is gone. Must we be so afraid to feel? Are we too ashamed to weep? Even Jesus wept. Are we above doing something that Our Lord did?
What happens for my family now? My little brother goes off to college, and my dad will probably move someplace new. I wonder what Christmas will look like from here on out. All our lives, our parents have been in the same town as the other – there was a move involved with my parents’ divorce, but at least for Christmas every year we kids were able to spend at least part of the holiday with each of our parents. Once dad moves, we will have to choose which one to visit. I know that a lot of children of divorce have experienced this, but it will be new for the Wolfe kids. Please pray for us.
Endnotes:
Lewis, C. S. (2001). A grief observed. HarperSanFrancisco.
Prayer
Dear Savior, leave us not, forsake us not. We thirst for You, Fountain of Living Water. Our days pass quickly along. Soon all will be consummated for us. Into Your hands we commend our spirits, now and forever. Amen.
(The above prayer was found on the Seton Shrine website here.)
St. Elizabeth Ann Seton SC, patroness of grief, please pray for us children of divorce as we encounter reminders of the loss of the union of our parents.
About the author:
Alex Wolfe grew up in western Pennsylvania and studied Theology at DeSales University. Through the experience of seeing his parents get divorced while he was in college, Alex decided to study at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and the Family in Washington, D.C. He completed the Master of Theological Studies degree and coursework for the Ph.D.
Alex is now the Assistant Director of the Office of Marriage, Family, and Respect Life at the Diocese of Arlington, where he focuses on marriage preparation and healing for children of divorce. He serves as the Content and Support Group Advisor for Life-Giving Wounds and is a member of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling team.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Have you experienced an event where mom and dad were getting along just fine? What were your feelings? Were you glad that they were not fighting? Were you sad or confused by their friendship? Was it reminiscent of a better time, or were you more focused on the good that God brought out of the separation?
Was graduation season stressful for you this year? What did you do to prepare yourself? Do you have any advice for others who may be worked up about a graduation in the near future?
Take a few moments to reflect on the passages by C.S. Lewis again. What thoughts and feelings arise as you reread them?
