6 Do’s and Don’ts for a Quality Apology
Rosa Schweninger's The Apology, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
[Editor’s Note: So many adult children of divorce have a deep desire for relationships that last, especially because they have seen their own parents’ relationship fall apart. Giving and receiving forgiveness is a bedrock practice of lasting relationships, so with that in mind, we offer this article for encouragement and advice. It was originally published on the Grotto Network's website on August 5, 2019, and is reposted here with their permission. An archived version of the original can be found here. We have made minor edits to the original.]
I will never forget something I heard in one talk at a marriage preparation program. The program director, Father John, said, “If you’ve never heard your fiancé say ‘I’m sorry’ to you, then run away. Run as far away as you can, as fast as you can.”
Whew! It was perhaps not what the starry-eyed engaged couples thought they would hear. Father John went on to say that in his years of working with married couples, including counseling couples who were seriously struggling, a theme that came up again and again was the hurt caused when one or both spouses simply refused to apologize, or did it in an obviously contrived way with words that lacked meaning. He knew more than one couple who ended up parting ways when the hurt this caused became too deep.
Apologies — being willing to say “I’m sorry” — are an important part of any relationship. But how do we apologize well, whether it’s to a roommate, family member, significant other or spouse? Here are a few tips — what to do, and what not to do — to help build a quality apology.
Do not minimize the incident or act like it is no big deal.
If it matters to the other person, it should matter to you. Let the other person speak for themselves and share their feelings in full, no matter how uncomfortable that may be. In her book Hold me Tight psychologist Sue Johnson explains, “You have to take your partner’s hurt seriously and hang in and ask questions until the meaning of an incident becomes clear, even if to you the event seems trivial or the hurt exaggerated.”
Do stay emotionally present.
This might be the hardest part of an apology. It is difficult to listen and acknowledge when we have caused a loved one pain. It can be tempting to “check out” — either literally (by refusing to address the issue) or mentally (by not really listening). A particularly difficult conversation might need to take place in different segments, with breaks in between, if the emotional intensity is too strong. But the most healing part of an apology is entering into another person’s pain. This gives an apology the power to renew trust in the relationship.
Do not assume that actions alone will substitute for an apology.
Expressing one’s contrition through actions (sending flowers, helping out in a tangible way) is commendable, but words are also (usually) needed. This is because it is healing to hear one’s hurt acknowledged directly. Words have power both to hurt but also to heal: I’m sorry; I love you; I forgive you. Indeed, words can have sacramental weight, like in the sacrament of reconciliation (a model for apology, contrition, and forgiveness.) At the least, try to be aware of what the other person needs when the relationship has been damaged (and not what you would prefer to give).
Do take full responsibility for your actions.
That may sound basic, but it is all too easy to nudge the blame onto someone else, or onto the situation: I was tired; you were being unreasonable; I didn’t really mean it, etc. A simple but heartfelt apology can say, “I’m sorry that I caused you hurt.” Despite the circumstances or intentions, if the other person was hurt, an apology is very healing. In situations where both people feel hurt (as happens so often), then both can have a chance to give an apology and express forgiveness.
Do not expect that an apology will be an instant fix.
Depending on the severity of the hurt caused, the other person might still need time after an apology to feel “okay” or to trust again. It would be uncaring to say, “I apologized, so what’s the problem? Let’s move on” when the other person needs more time to heal.
Grow in self-knowledge through the practice of apologizing.
We all make mistakes. We all hurt the people we love from time to time. Getting in the habit of apologizing can help us realize more fully why we did what we did. Without shirking responsibility (see above), we can start to see why we act certain ways in certain situations. Is there a tone of voice that we are especially sensitive to? Do we act poorly when we are hungry, tired, etc.? Are there conversations that are emotional triggers for us because of past wounds? All of these realizations can help us grow as people and become less likely to hurt others.
Finally, always keep the big picture in mind.
The ultimate goal of an apology is renewed trust in the relationship. When done well, Johnson explains that an apology is “an invitation to reconnect.” It is more than an empty ritual or “just” words.
We know that we will fail those around us from time to time, even daily! Being willing to apologize, and to truly put our hearts and selves into that process, builds up resources for lasting love.
Prayer of St. Francis:
Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to
comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
(The above version of the Prayer of St. Francis was found on the EWTN website here.)
About the Author:
Bethany Meola is the co-founder and vice president of Life-Giving Wounds, together with her husband Dan. She holds a masters of theological studies from the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family in Washington, DC.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
Are there aspects of apologizing that I find particularly difficult? Why might that be the case?
Have I experienced poorly-done apologies in the past, and how did that make me feel?
What is something I can work on now to get better at giving quality apologies?
Reflect for a moment on this sentence: “You have to take your partner’s hurt seriously and hang in and ask questions until the meaning of an incident becomes clear, even if to you the event seems trivial or the hurt exaggerated.” Share a thought from your lived experience, whether that is a positive or negative example.
To you, what does being emotionally present mean?
Are there conversations that are emotional triggers for you because of past wounds?
