Utilizing the Temperaments for Adult Children of Divorce (ACODs)
One of the biggest challenges for Adult Children of Divorce (ACODs) is to acknowledge that they did the best they could to survive their childhoods and cope with their parents’ divorce situations. This healthy attitude is so important in challenging the automatic self-loathing that can often arise even as adults. ACODs did not experience the lived unity and unconditional strength of marriage, but instead experienced the razing or absence of marriage. This is not a cosmetic hit, but disrupts the foundational role of love in our lives and has a serious impact on our automatic thoughts and feelings.
The interpersonal wounds form divorce are real. How can we learn to accept the difficulties and struggles of our past and move forward to attain new skills and to strengthen the bonds of love as adults?
Step one is the spiritual realization that God’s “ever-watchful love is always in the background of our lives” (Erasmo Leiva-Merikakis, Fire of Mercy, Heart of the Word). He will never abandon us and by integrating His transformational love, we can overcome all shattered brokenness and disunity. As part of His family in the Mystical Body of Christ, we are His beloved sons and daughters, deeply loved and experiencing His abiding unity, no matter what is happening in our earthly family.
In addition to this invaluable spiritual support, we need to shore up strengths and acquire new skills to heighten and expand our ability to love. Understanding our temperament can help us do this. This is not a theory of fixed personality traits identifying unchanging characteristics that put people in a box. Rather, understanding temperament helps us identify our strong and weak tendencies to react in certain ways in certain situations. This self-awareness helps us prudently target growth areas to attain support and skills to strengthen healthy bonds in our adult life despite the bonding deficits of childhood. Let’s briefly look at the classic temperament categories of choleric, phlegmatic, sanguine, and melancholic to identify strength and weaknesses for ACODs.
The Choleric temperament is your classic type A personality, goal-driven and fearless in the face of conflict, determined to reach outcomes which enhance life. They are passionate about making changes to learn the skills to reach goals. As a child, a choleric may have responded to the divorce situation with anger and rebellion against one of the parents, or may have "amputated" or walled off certain relationships or aspects of his own life that he doesn't want to revisit. He or she might decide to just do things his or her way, skeptical of the value of bonding and partnership. ACOD cholerics are intense about almost everything but didn’t live and experience interpersonal harmony. They will need to learn to be more empathic, humble, and forgiving—not easy for the choleric—in order to integrate love and unity in their adult family and life. When the choleric learns to genuinely and patiently listen and incorporate different perspectives to prioritize closeness in their present family, instead of the battles and power moves by their family of origin, they can prioritize strengthening the soft skills and not just outcomes to create relationships that are deep and genuine. To the ACOD choleric: take the foot off the “get out of my way and leave me alone” pedal and hit the brakes with prudent and empathic incorporation of other views, trusting that this is the best way to meet goals of harmony and lived love.
The Phlegmatic temperament naturally shies away from conflict and in most families of divorce there was plenty of both overt and covert conflict that was likely never resolved. The phlegmatic tends to monitor feelings carefully but may have never overtly expressed his or her feelings of anger, frustration, or sadness about the divorce because phlegmatics never want to stir up trouble. Many phlegmatics from dysfunctional families become “doormats,” finding it easier to let people walk all over or neglect them rather than to challenge the dysfunctional patterns. The phlegmatic child of divorce probably rode with the punches, complaining little and keeping his or her thoughts to herself. “It’ll be fine” was the mantra even though they didn’t believe it. Seeing conflict as unresolvable tempts the phlegmatic to avoid it, but this also impairs his or her ability to overcome problems and instead, to hide or wish them away. This can lead to stonewalling, insincerity, emotional passivity, or avoiding trouble. It will require practice for the phlegmatic to learn that conflicts are inevitable in life and are great opportunities for leaning into issues and learning new skills to calmly overcome problems. The phlegmatic has invaluable natural bonding skills: patience, love of peace, and strength in listening with affection and appreciation. When they learn to overcome their fear of conflict and bring their natural diplomacy and humility to problems, they become true ambassadors for peace and are able to build genuine harmony in their current family and life situations. To the ACOD phlegmatic: by learning skills like reframing threats as opportunities and mindfully addressing conflict through calming ways you can build strong bonds that reinstate trust, overt joy and genuine unity.
Sanguines are the most extraverted and people-oriented temperament. They are naturally interactive and participatory, welcoming dialogue and sharing good news with appreciation. They can be a tremendous asset to the bonding of a family by expressing joy, compliments, and good news with enthusiasm. But as an ACOD their natural conviviality may have become “stuck,” or may have been deeply dampened. It is very likely that the sanguine as a child felt the need to take on the "role" of being the happy, positive person in the midst of the messy divorce situation, so they may have stifled some of their own feelings of anxiety or anger. Or, the trauma of fights and arguments from their family of origin may have forced their natural enthusiasm and optimism underground and tempted them to be skeptical of long-lasting familial unity, instead embracing episodic relations with little depth. Having never experienced a lived unity, they might give up on creating their family as a source of peace and love. They may need to learn to trust that they can experience and work through negative emotions as adults (instead of avoiding these) in order to form healthy, well-rounded relationships. To the ACOD sanguine: your natural enthusiasm for relating to others is a wonderful strength, but learn to lean into relational issues and not flee from one relationship to another, or from one new experience to another, when trouble ensues. You can learn to skillfully and calmly lean into conflict and use your interpersonal strengths to solidify familial and personal bonds.
Melancholics are the most introverted temperament and have the highest standards for quality. The melancholic dreams of heaven on earth but is deeply wounded when unity is abandoned in divorce. “This is not the way it’s supposed to be,” laments the melancholic. As a child, they may have deeply felt the need to protect the bonds between all the parties while also despairing of reconciliation. They also may wonder whether genuine and lasting love is even possible in their own adult family! Perhaps more than other temperaments, they run the risk of internalizing the anxiety and to possibly suffer health repercussions. And melancholics tend to keep score and usually have a more difficult time forgiving and letting go of past resentments. The ACOD melancholic will have a natural tendency to highlight problems like he/she probably did with gusto in his or her family of origin. To the ACOD facing problems in his or her adult life, it will be important to learn to trust, to have confidence and to learn that there is more gained by overtly appreciating the good in others and forgiving them than by criticizing their long list of imperfections. When the ACOD melancholic focuses on the ideals of harmony, activating love and creating unity, bonding skills will be much easier to develop in their own adult family. To the ACOD melancholic: as an adult, your high standards can lead to higher quality encounters and to overt appreciation. You can learn to patiently see that the imperfections of human love can be overcome by the grace and support of Christ’s love; with these new attitudes, you can expect deep and lasting bonds in their adult life.
We are not to blame for our wounds from our parents’ divorce. Let us also acknowledge our opportunity to develop new bonding skills atop the radical support of a God who loves us without reserve.
About the author
Art Bennett has co-written 3 books on the temperaments with his spouse, Laraine (The Temperament God Gave You, The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse and the Temperament God Gave Your Kids). Laraine comes from an intact family. Art is a ACOD and also a board member of Life-Giving Wounds. To determine your temperament, go to www.temperamentquiz.com