How to Heal When You Feel Like an Orphan

Attribution: Nheyob, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

About one year ago something very traumatic happened which took me in a new direction in my healing journey that I had been on since my parents divorced. My precious, amazing mom passed away at the age of 62 from a tumor in her stomach, which we did not know about until the day before she died. My world shattered the day that I lost her. Watching her suffer for months and being powerless to help her made me feel like I could relate in some way to our Blessed Mother, to the agony and helplessness that she must have felt in watching her beloved Son die. My mom was horribly sick all during the winter of 2021 and on February 13th, 2022, my sister, me, and two of the closest friends of our family watched her breathe her last in the hospital. I have never felt as alone as I did that night after she passed away.

Throughout her sickness and death and the year of grief that followed, I went to levels of agony and emotion that I had never experienced before. My mom was my rock, my life, my constant companion and protector, and when the hospital called to tell us that their efforts for the last two days had not worked and that she had to go on the ventilator and would pass away soon, I started hyperventilating. I honestly forgot how to breathe, I forgot how to get dressed, how to walk. I forgot who I was. It was the middle of the night and I will forever be grateful to one of my dearest friends who stayed on the phone with me for thirty minutes, literally reminding me how to breathe. After the initial shock of the first few weeks after my mom’s death, I found ways of coping, ways to keep eating and sleeping, but there are still times, one year later, that I forget how to breathe, that I forget who I am and my whole body feels like it is shutting down and I feel powerless to control it. 

The point of this article is not to go into too much detail about her sickness and her passing. That is honestly still far too painful for me to dwell on and maybe it always will be. The focus I want to have I will phrase as a question, a question that I have yet to answer: How do I continue to work through my feelings, pain, confusion, and triggers from my parents’ divorce, when my dad has abandoned me and my mom has died? I have anxiety attacks and feel angry when trying to work through my parental relationships because I feel like an orphan. I feel like my healing with my parents has been forever halted because I can't reach out to either of them. 

Here, I can hear in my mind some people telling me things like, "He is still your dad; you can't just give up on him. Never say never.” Or, “Your mom is still with you in spirit, you can talk to her in your heart, she is proud of you, she is not really gone..." etc. etc. Some of these people are trying to be hurtful and succeed, and others are trying to be helpful, but when they say these things, the effect on me is still the same: anger. I feel so angry and frustrated, and I honestly wish I would never have to hear these things again. They don't help at all, they feel dismissive, they make me feel like I have no right to grieve my dad’s rejection or my mom’s death. They make me feel like I could change something about the way my life has turned out in regards to my parents, even though I know I can't. The only thing that I can do, and know I have to do, is eventually - not yet and not on other people's terms - forgive my dad and come to peace about my mom. It will never be okay, I know that. His rejection and her death will always hurt deeply, but I know that someday I need to reach a place of peace about both, because God is in control and with Him all things are possible, even healing from the horrific loss of both my parents. 

I recently went through the first year anniversary of my mom’s death,  and the realization that this loss and grief will continue to be part of my life in some way hit me hard on that day. However, just like the grief will always be part of my life, though perhaps not as overpowering as now, I want to keep my mom’s memory alive in my life always, to live in a way that will bring her to life for those who know me. I want to continue to spread her love to others by being the kind of woman she was. What everyone who loves my mom said about her was that she was so wise and loving, that she helped people to find and follow their dreams and inspired them to be their best version and to follow Jesus with all their heart. I want to be that kind of woman; I want to be like my mom. In spite of the excruciating pain of losing her, I don’t want to lose my memories of her or the lessons she taught me my whole life. My mom’s favorite thing to say was “Praise the Lord!” Whether it was because we got a good rain on a hot summer day or we just told her we got a good grade in school or she found out about a new baby being born in our family, she always praised the Lord. No matter how dark things can look at times in my life, I want to be just like my dear mama. I never want to cease in praising the Lord. 

About the Author:

Angela Winkeler is an adult child of divorce; her parents divorced when she was twenty-three. She loves animals and babies, and has been a nanny for many years. She also has a horse, five lively little parakeets, and a hamster. She is studying to be a counselor in the hopes of being a guiding, caring mentor to others who are hurting.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. If you have lost a parent, how has Christ worked in you, or through others, to bring healing to that wound?

2. Do your parents have a favorite saying, like Angela's mom, to help them get through life's ups and downs?