Dating as an Adult Child of Divorce, Part 4: Recurring Patterns
Also in this series:
You’ve often heard it said that we tend to marry people like our parents. Girls go for guys that are like their dads, and guys go for girls who are like their moms. This is not necessarily a bad thing; indeed, we are creatures of habit that prefer to operate in the familiar. If you are in familiar territory, there is less room for surprise and less need for vulnerability. And if you come from a healthy, intact family with two healthy and loving parents, it would almost seem silly not to marry someone like your parents. However, in our situation as adult children of divorce, we need to be significantly more deliberate in our choice of spouse. In this final piece of the 4-part series on dating, I hope to tie everything together and give you some last reflections as you set off into that big, sometimes scary world of dating. With the right tools in your kit, however, it doesn’t need to be so scary.
First and foremost, and say this out loud if you need to, it’s so important to believe that the cycle can stop with me and I can and will have a successful, fruitful, and happy marriage. If, like me, your parents have been divorced and remarried multiple times, or even if only one time, that does not mean it will happen to you. Divorce isn’t like COVID-19; just because you're around it does not mean you will catch it. You can and will have a successful marriage. And your successful marriage will teach your children what God’s will for marriage is supposed to look like, and they in turn will lead happy and stable lives because of your example. It may seem silly to lay it out for you so blatantly, but I think it is important to say. Because if you’re anything like me, you look at those big, happy, intact Catholic families and think it will always be just slightly out of reach for you. But with prayer, discernment, mentorship, and more prayer, you can enter into marriage confident that not only will the two of you make it, but you will be happy!
With all of that being said, we can delve into the practical topic of recurring patterns. As stated, as human beings we like to live in the familiar. And for many of us adult children of divorce, surprises are not something we like. Just keep the harmony and the stability and we are usually pretty content. Unfortunately, this tendency can also mean we will settle for a less than ideal significant other because at least he or she has familiar traits. But we deserve way more than this!
A good friend of mine, a fellow adult child of divorce who is in a thriving marriage with four beautiful children and one on the way, emphasized to me just how important it is not to fall into the temptation to recreate your parents’ situation. He told me it will be tempting to date someone who has the same flaws as your parents, because you know how to behave in those situations. He realized this was not the path he should take when he noticed that the dating relationship he was in was a little too similar to the relationship he had with his mom: “I dated and almost married someone who was just like my mom! I took care of her the same way I took care of my mom. Don’t do this! Date someone who is whole and who is stronger than your parents! Being a child of divorce often makes you tempted to fix things and so the only women I ever dated were ones that I thought I had to ‘save’. It wasn’t until I met my wife that I realized I didn’t need someone I could save, I needed someone I could love. For the longest time I thought love meant saving someone.”
This is really the crux of it all: to marry someone we can love, in the truest, healthiest sense of the word. Oftentimes, adult children of divorce can understand love in a disordered way. Thanks to years of trying to show our parents we love them, we’ve become shells of ourselves. We’ve emptied ourselves of everything we have to try and repair disordered relationships that may never be ordered again. Because of this, it can be difficult to be filled up with love from another person who doesn’t expect anything from us other than to be loved in return. Our radar is always on, always searching for ways in which we need to ‘fix’ that person in order for them to stick around. This is why it is important to pray very intensely for your future spouse. We want to be led to our spouse by God, to marry the person we are called to marry, and not re-create and prolong the wounds of our broken family. God sees us, knows our wounds better than we do, and will not lead us into failure. He does not want our marriages to fail! You need look no further than Matthew 19:8: “He said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.’” God’s plan from the beginning did not include divorce, and indeed, with the new law in Christ, He permits it no longer. Rest assured in Christ’s plan for you! It is an understatement to say that He is our biggest advocate, and if He is against divorce, what should we fear? Place your future spouse and future marriage in the hands of the Almighty God and you will not fail.
With a lot of prayer, encouragement from friends, good mentors, and spiritual direction, we can be confident in our dating lives, and look to our future married lives with hope.
*Pseudonym used for privacy’s sake and with the permission of the author.
Rebecca attended a Life-Giving Wounds Retreat in 2019 and was amazed at the amount of healing and bonding that occurred in just three days. She decided to be as involved as she could with this burgeoning ministry. In her spare time, she loves reading, baking, and listening to podcasts!