A Religious Sister’s Advice about Spiritual Direction for ACODs
Editor’s Note: We know that spiritual direction is something that many adult children of divorce have found helpful on their journey of healing. We earlier published a blog post about spiritual direction by Graciela Rodriguez. In this blog post, Sr. Kalin Holthaus shares her perspective on spiritual direction as both an adult child of divorce and a consecrated religious who now provides spiritual direction to college students as part of her vocation.
During my sophomore year of college, I half-heartedly filled out a registration card at my Catholic student center, putting some checks in boxes that sounded interesting. A few weeks and a phone call later, I ended up in the office of a consecrated woman with no idea what spiritual direction was, but I knew that I would probably have to talk about my parents’ divorce. That day was the beginning of a major change in my life. Now, many years later, I myself am a consecrated woman in that same religious community and a spiritual director of college students. And I am so thankful for the ways that spiritual direction has helped the Lord to come into and heal the wounds left by my parents’ divorce. I hope to explore with you in this article what spiritual direction is and how it can be beneficial for an adult child of divorce.
What is spiritual direction?
Spiritual direction is the art of guiding someone or being guided to greater growth in the spiritual life and ultimately to the goal of becoming the saint that God has created each one of us to be. Put simply: our goal in this life is to get to Heaven, become holy, and enjoy eternal happiness, and a spiritual director helps us to get there. The true spiritual director is the Holy Spirit, and so both the spiritual director and the directee must be in relationship with the Holy Spirit through prayer and the sacraments to be able to listen to His voice and follow where He is leading. That means that the only prerequisite for spiritual direction is a life of prayer and the openness to being accompanied deeper. (But actually, if you do not have a regular prayer life, don’t worry, a good spiritual director can help you get started if you are willing to be held accountable and authentically looking to grow.)
Not psychological counseling
While we are body, soul, and spirit, and both good spiritual direction and good counseling will have effects on the totality of our person, spiritual direction and counseling differ in that spiritual direction deals directly with the things of the soul and counseling deals directly with the things of the spirit or psyche. Furthermore, counseling is contractual, goal-based, and for compensation. Spiritual direction, on the other hand, can last for a day (if you are on retreat, for instance), for a certain season of life (like the discernment of an important decision), or for many years. There can be short term goals in the spiritual life, but the ultimate goal of spiritual direction is to lead you to holiness, which is the journey of a lifetime. Finally, spiritual direction is usually offered without compensation. It can be very beneficial to be in both spiritual direction and counseling, and to have the two collaborate in your journey of growth.
Not friendship
It is true that a very deep and special relationship can be formed between a spiritual director and a directee, but like any healthy relationship, it should have clearly defined boundaries. Friendship is between equals with mutual sharing and without any formal bonds. Spiritual direction should be free like a friendship in that both parties should be able to discontinue the relationship at any point if so prompted by the Holy Spirit, but it should be one-sided in the sharing. The type of deep bond that can be formed in spiritual direction is more akin to spiritual motherhood or fatherhood than it is friendship, despite whatever disparity in age between the director and directee.
What happens in spiritual direction?
Usually a spiritual director meets with a directee anywhere from every two weeks to once a month for about an hour. Because the Holy Spirit is the true spiritual director, during the session both the spiritual director and the directee should be in a position of listening to the Holy Spirit, which is prayer. The topic of each spiritual direction conversation is the directee’s prayer life, strictly speaking. What has your prayer been like? Have you been faithful to daily prayer and frequent reception of the sacraments? Where are you struggling in prayer? What have been the major themes that have been coming up? However, since the goal of our life is holiness, also known as transforming union with God, our prayer life should be slowly transforming every aspect of our life. That means that anything can be the topic of spiritual direction! How is your prayer life touching your relationships, your work, your vocation, your free time etc.?
The directee is the main agent in preparing for and leading the spiritual direction conversation. The spiritual director may ask some questions about what he or she is sharing to help guide the conversation deeper. A good spiritual director will help the directee to arrive at his or her own conclusions, together with the Holy Spirit, instead of giving direct answers or telling the directee what to do. The spiritual director is there to help the directee grow and has a perspective that is different and probably more all-encompassing. If he or she offers advice, it will most likely be beneficial to be obedient. (Remember, you are looking for guidance!)
How do I find a spiritual director?
The first thing to do when you are looking for a spiritual director is pray! Ask the Father to lead you to the right person. Sometimes we might feel drawn to a particular person because of their personality, or we have in mind a particular category of person (I need a priest; I want to speak with a woman) because we think that there will be a better connection. But the Lord likes to surprise us. The person that you think would be right for you might not be available. Or after meeting with someone a few times, you may realize that you two are not a good fit. Pray that you can be open to whomever it is that the Lord has in store for you. Pray for His guidance and for clarity in your discernment. And pray for that person and their intentions, whoever they may be in the end.
Before you start asking potential spiritual directors to work with you, it is good to know what to look for in a spiritual director. While a thorough and orthodox theological training is not the only attribute of a good spiritual director, it is an important one. Feel free to ask anyone that you meet with about their theological training. Ask them what they think about prayer, the Eucharist, and especially Mary. Their answers can provide good indications of where they stand with Church teaching.
The best place to start looking for a spiritual director is within your local church community. Do you have a good relationship with your parish pastor? Ask him if you both could discern starting a spiritual direction journey together. Often times our parish priests do not have time or do not feel qualified to offer spiritual direction. If that’s the case, ask him if he knows anyone who might be available. Do you have religious communities nearby? There is a beautiful tradition in the Church of men and women religious (those in consecrated life and religious orders) offering spiritual guidance to others, formally and informally. See if the Lord opens a door for you there.
Another option would be to find someone online and/or to meet virtually. Some dioceses have lists on their websites of people who offer direction, or if you have a university with a Catholic student center, their websites often list spiritual directors who might be available to non-students, time permitting. However, I would tend to discourage this option because there is so much that can be gained from an in-person relationship. But virtual spiritual direction is not impossible, especially after an in-person relationship has been established.
Finally, there are different schools across the U.S. that train lay men and women to be able to accompany their brothers and sisters on the journey. The graduates are people who are perhaps more experienced in the spiritual life and have some tools to help others to continue to grow. Where these men and women may not have the same theological training as other spiritual directors, they make up for it in life experience. I know many people who have benefited from having, for instance, an older mother mentor a new mother, or grandparents learn from other grandparents in their walk of faith.
Growing pains in spiritual direction
A word of advice: expect some growing pains in your relationship with your spiritual director. It can be hard to go from zero to completely baring your soul in one appointment. Give yourself time to get to know one another. I suggest two or three appointments. And remember that you are not there for the other person, but to grow closer to the Lord.
Ultimately, God the Father is the provider of all good gifts and if He has placed the desire and need on your heart to be guided to greater growth in the spiritual life it is because He wants to fulfill it. If no option seems viable, it is because He has something better in mind. His timing is the best timing, and His ways are not our ways. Keep trusting in His care for you and praying for the right person to be placed on your path at the right time.
Challenges of spiritual direction as an ACOD
Adult children of divorce, such as myself, can face particular challenges and questions that they may want to bring to spiritual direction. Has my parents’ divorce really affected me? Does it define me? Am I capable of love? Am I capable of any relationship? Can I trust anyone? What does authentic love look like? Could I ever marry or will I just end up like my parents? Does anyone understand me? Who am I? How could God have let this happen? These are real struggles, and they will certainly enter into spiritual direction both in the content of the sessions and in the relationship itself.
The biggest struggle that I personally have encountered in seeking spiritual direction for myself has been finding a spiritual director who can adequately understand the role that my parents’ divorce has had on my life. As I go deeper in my own journey of healing, the more I realize that the divorce has colored everything in my life from my relationships to my identity to how I view God to my mission. I have met very few Catholics who are qualified spiritual directors who can speak of the effects of divorce from experience. Others tend to believe, not through any fault of their own, what the world says about the mythical “good divorce” and can be surprised, shocked, and unprepared to handle certain topics. I have found it to be a struggle to learn to trust and reach the openness and honesty necessary for spiritual direction because my wound of silence – not talking about the divorce for a multitude of reasons – has been reinforced by misunderstanding.
But a good spiritual director does not have to be a fellow ACOD to be able to help. Being a man or woman of the Spirit inevitably leads to finding Christ in other people’s suffering and how to accompany them in it and through it. Good spiritual direction has been healing in so many ways: I discerned my vocation to religious life and discovered my identity in Christ, I have encountered authentic care and love, I have learned how to set good boundaries. My spiritual director has held onto hope for my healing when I had none, has challenged me to a deeper faith in the goodness of the Father, has guided me to encounter Mary as my true mother, always leads me to a greater intimacy with Jesus my spouse, and the list could go on.
Spiritual direction, combined with counseling, has helped my parents’ divorce to become a place of blessing in my life and I can now thank the divorce in part for the fruit that comes from the kind of spiritual director I am today.
Sr. Kalin Holthaus is an ACOD and a member of the Apostles of the Interior Life, a community of consecrated women dedicated to spiritual accompaniment, formation, and evangelization.