To my fellow adult children of divorce, 

I am sorry. So very sorry. I won't pretend to understand the exact kind of pain you feel. Everyone's heart was crafted differently, everyone's experience was uniquely hard. But I DO feel your pain, and it is real and valid and very heavy. I know the splitting feeling of being torn in two: your parents, your family, your life, your world, everything that makes you who you are. Split down the center, followed by searing pain and a horrible emptiness and yet filled with something so wrong, so hard to describe, a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach, or your chest or your heart, or maybe all three, a feeling that you should never have to feel, a feeling of loss, of something gone that should not have had permission to leave. 

I can relate to the numb shock and the feeling of everything spinning out of control, at the moment that you found out or the moment that you realized what had happened or what was about to happen. Maybe it was many years ago, and the memory is dim and fuzzy. Maybe your parents sat you down to tell you, with all of the well-meant words that were like salt in the wound to you. Maybe one parent just disappeared and you didn't know why. Maybe it took you weeks, months, to realize that your mom or dad was not coming back to live with you and with your other parent. Maybe you saw them sometimes, maybe you didn't, maybe they never came back at all. Maybe you had no warning that it was coming and the news was as shocking as getting whacked in the face with a baseball bat that you didn't see coming. Maybe you had a sick fear for weeks or months as you heard angry words being yelled by your parents, at each other, in their bedroom at night. Or maybe you witnessed the tension between them, at the dinner table, or in the car on the way to what was supposed to be a fun family outing. Maybe you grew up knowing, experiencing, that mom and dad were not together and never had been together, but you always had the aching sense of missing something you should have had. 

However the knowledge of the split happened for you, I am sure that at some point, knowing it caused you to break inside. To break and shatter just like your parents’ marriage. At first, you may have tried to deny it to yourself or even to others. You may have tried to convince yourself that it was not really true, that your parents just needed some time apart, or that one was just on a long trip and would come back home, and that everything would be normal again and right. Maybe you were like me, and watched one parent, in my case my dad, cut the marriage apart with a knife, a knife with jagged edges, and when the sever was complete, he just walked away and never came back. Maybe the divorce was to you, as it was to me, not a shock, not sudden, but the last horrible blow on an already blistered and bruised heart. Maybe you saw it coming, coming down the road of your future like a big black monster that you had no power to stop. 

But though it may have seemed like it was the last blow, the pain would not be over any time soon, or at all. Time may teach you how to carry it, how to shoulder it so it doesn't pin you down to the floor like it did at first. Maybe you will learn to "get used to it" as you were told to do, but it will never be really okay. And you know what, that is okay. Your family broke apart, split up. What should have been "forever," was only "for a time." You have every right to hurt, to ache, to scream, to sob, to be angry at God, at your parents, at the world. Know that you can love your parents deeply, and hurt for them, and feel betrayed by them all at the same time. But there is one thing I beg you to fight against, something I have to battle with every single day. Please, do not blame yourself. You did NOT break up this marriage. It was NOT your fault. No matter who may have told you it was, no matter how deeply you feel like you are the cause, you are NOT. You may feel that you were such a different difficult child or teenager, that you made your parents break. You may think back to an exact moment of a horrible flaw or mistake or bad moment that you had, that seems to label you as the culprit. But you are not, believe me, YOU ARE NOT. Your parents made a commitment, to each other, to be together "till death do us part," and in no part of that commitment was there a disclaimer that gave them permission to quit and break their vow, because of you. 

Know that you are not alone, and that this is not the end, though it may feel like it. Know that even if I don't know you, that I am with you in this journey, that I care about you and so do many others who are like us. Know that you deserved a family who would stick together and that you deserve to grieve that you lost that forever. Know that though it will never be okay, you do not have to stay shattered your whole life. You can heal, you can grow, you can find hope again. You can find love. To my dear fellow survivor of a broken family, you are not alone. 

May God’s Love and peace be with you,

Angela

Intercessory Prayer

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, most perfect of families, please pray for ACODs who feel alone or abandoned.

About the Author:

Angela Winkeler is an adult child of divorce; her parents divorced when she was 23. She loves animals and babies, and has been a nanny for many years. She also has a horse and two lively little parakeets. She is studying to be a counselor in the hopes of being a guiding, caring mentor to others who are hurting.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. What are five words that immediately come to mind after reading this letter?

2. If you were to write a similarly themed letter, what would you want to say and how would you want to say it?