We must also remember the great number of single persons who, because of the particular circumstances in which they have to live - often not of their choosing - are especially close to Jesus' heart and therefore deserve the special affection and active solicitude of the Church, especially of pastors. Many remain without a human family often due to conditions of poverty. Some live their situation in the spirit of the Beatitudes, serving God and neighbor in exemplary fashion. the doors of homes, the "domestic churches," and of the great family which is the Church must be open to all of them. "No one is without a family in this world: the Church is a home and family for everyone, especially those who 'labor and are heavy laden.'" (CCC 1658) 

For adult children of divorce, a fear of dating, relationships, and the thought of marriage one day can be very real. As ACODs, we have been profoundly wounded by relationships and marriage. We saw what was meant to last instead fall apart. We were robbed of our need and right to be raised by both of our parents together in the same house, to bear an image and example to us of agape love, which is the kind of love that God has for us. The sacrament of holy matrimony is good, beautiful, and holy. Marriage and family life must follow the vows, which is God’s design and plan for marriage and family life. As children of divorce or separation, we saw distortions of the truth and something beautiful and good turned ugly and undesirable.

This in turn causes deep wounds in us that can affect our adult relationships in various profound ways, as I have personally seen and experienced. Personally, in my current season of singleness—I am in my mid-twenties—I am taking intentional time to heal. I am taking time to feel and fully process my pain and any and every emotion that comes with it. I have found healing by doing this in therapy, by journaling my thoughts and emotions, and through creativity, which for me is primarily writing, as I am doing for you here now. If you are also single, this season is an excellent time to work on healing from the wounds caused by relationships and your parents’ marriage. I personally and strongly recommend going to therapy to process your pain before you even begin dating; that has been an important choice for me, at least. The healthier and more healed you are as a single person, the healthier your future marriage will be, and the healthier you will be as a spouse and as a potential parent. If at all possible, start the healing process before you get married. 

Of course this is not to say one must “become perfect,” or become one-hundred percent healed, before you ever go on a date with someone, as we will always have our wounds as a part of our stories in one way or another. By acknowledging that we will not completely heal this side of heaven, and that there is still healing work that we can do on ourselves, we can then allow Christ to take the lead in working in our woundedness and brokenness. He will lead us to where we feel whole again, to where we can feel at peace with ourselves enough, and to where we can go forward with a sufficient inner restoration. 

I am heading towards a place in my life where I am beginning to feel this way about my personal healing journey. The hardest part for me is definitely the fear and reservations around the matter of dating and relationships, and the fear of repeating the same familiar mistakes I saw in my parents, and in friend’s family situations, in my future marriage one day. I do fear ending up married to a man who does not treat me right. I do fear the anticipation of “Who will this person be in five years?” Or “What wounds will get exposed in marriage, and how will they come out?” I do fear poor discernment. I do fear that my feelings will carry me away and blind my judgement. I do fear the unknown. 

Fear of a potential marriage can be real for adults who come from broken families, but there is hope for us! We can be healed; we can feel whole again. We are not doomed to repeat our parents’ mistakes. We can break the generational cycle of divorce. There is hope for us. There is hope of healing and restoring the truth of the beauty and goodness of the sacrament of marriage. 

On your journey of healing, especially for those who are single and feel called to marriage one day, I encourage you to pray about this. Ask God to heal your wounds that were caused by relationships and marriage (Matthew 7:7-8). Pray for Jesus to heal your mind and heart and to bring renewal and restoration to where He knows you need it. Ask the Lord for the grace, strength, and courage that you need in your life right now. Pray for God to reveal to you the truth, beauty, and goodness of the sacrament of matrimony and of the sacrifice of it that is to mirror the sacrifice of Christ on the Cross! 

Before you begin dating, or begin dating again, ask God to help you to be attracted to holiness, virtue, and good character in someone above outward beauty, charm or worldly attributes. Due to our wounds from the divorce of our parents, and possibly of other experiences, the matter of dating, relationships, and marriage are one of the major challenges for adult children of divorce, but if you discern that God might call you to marriage one day, you can be healed. Jesus wants to heal you. Bring all of your pain to Him in Adoration. Lay your wounds, fears, reservations, doubts, concerns, and desires at the foot of the Cross. He is there and He is listening. He cares for your heart and He wants to heal you, so that you can live in the freedom, peace and joy that Jesus promises. Go to therapy. Journal, or talk with a trusted person—such as a spiritual advisor, about your pain. Express it creatively, be it through writing, painting, drawing, composing music, or whatever your outlet is! God can use our gifts and charisms to heal others, too! The Lord uses anything. 

Something that I personally find challenging, as well as many others I am sure, is how do you know if and when you are ready to, discerningly and prayerfully, enter (or re-enter) the dating scene? Well, this answer will vary for everyone and there will be many differences as all of our healing journeys are different, but here are three pointers I have learned, from my own experiences, that I hope will be helpful to you in knowing if you are in a good spot in your healing journey and of sufficient maturity to begin dating. 

1. Your mental health is decently stable. You know how to handle your feelings and emotions in a decent and healthy way. If needed, you have gone to (or are going to) therapy. You have begun healing from your wounds, and do not let them hold power over you. You are joyful and at peace with yourself and with your state of life, and trust that God has a plan for you. Disclaimer: this does not mean that you have to be perfect or that you never have a bad day. We are human. We have our “off days”, if you will. I am talking about stability in your overall well being! 

2. You have one or two close friends. Pursue friendship before you pursue a relationship or get married. Pursue authentic, holy, and virtuous friendships with those of the same gender. Brotherhood and sisterhood are crucial for us on our journeys. Seek community (Cf. CCC 1878-1882). Things you can do include, but are not limited to: volunteering your time, taking up a new hobby, taking a class, or joining a group. I encourage you to seek out friendships first, which, too, will benefit your future marriage by giving you a foundation of friendship with your spouse one day. As the Catechism says, “The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship” (CCC 2347).

3. You are secure and grounded in yourself in Christ. You know yourself and you know who, whose, and what you are. You have an aim in your life (Cf. CCC 1878). You know and are grounded in your faith, and in your morals and values. You know what you are looking for in dating. You feel ready after having given it time. You have your own prayer life. You know who you are in Christ. You are grounded in your true identity as a beloved son or daughter of the Father. Know this truth as it is all that you are defined by! You are His before you are that of your spouse. Know the Truth. Know who you are. Love Him first and foremost. Seek first the Kingdom (Matthew 6:33).  He will guide and direct your path. He who is Love Himself. 

The healing process as an adult child of divorce is and will never be an easy road, nor will it be linear. There may be many bumps in the road, salt in wounds, and memories and feelings triggered and resurfaced along the way throughout our earthly pilgrimage. It can be especially challenging when it comes to dating and the potential for a future - or current marriage. But there is hope for us, even amidst these internal struggles of fear, doubt, and questions. Our wounds can be healed, just as those of Our Lord after the resurrection. Jesus’ wounds did not go away, but He has conquered death with His wounds still visible from where He was scourged and nailed to the Cross. He shows us His wounds. We must not fear to show Him ours. In any suffering and death, there is always a resurrection. There is hope for you to heal and to rise above what you have been dealt with in your past. Your wounds may one day hurt less. You will have more perspective. The fear in romantic relationships and of marriage is very real, but it is surmountable. Wounds are there, but they do not have to determine our future going forward. There is hope of healing, of restoration, of a happy marriage, and of becoming stronger and more whole and restored in Christ. Pray for the strength, grace, and courage to go forward. He will grant that to you, if you open your heart to Him and His healing. His grace is good! There is hope for you and for your path going forward. 

Pope St. John Paul II’s Prayer: Act of Entrustment to Mary

"Behold, your Mother!' ( Jn 19: 27)

O Virgin Mary, Jesus
on the Cross
wanted to entrust us to you,
not to lessen
but to reaffirm
his exclusive role as Saviour
of the world.

If in the disciple John
all the children of the Church were entrusted to you,
the happier I am to see
the young people of the world
entrusted to you, O Mary.
To you, gentle Mother,
whose protection I have always experienced,
this evening I entrust them to you once again.
All seek refuge and
protection under your mantle.
You, Mother of divine grace,
make them shine with
the beauty of Christ!

The young people of this century,
at the dawn of the new millennium, still live the torment that derives from sin,
from hatred, from violence,
from terrorism and from war.
But it is also the young to whom the Church looks confidently, knowing
that with the help of God's grace,
they will succeed in believing and in living as Gospel witnesses
in present day history.

O Mary,
help them to respond to their vocation.
Guide them to the knowledge of true love
and bless their affections.
Support them in times of suffering.
Make them fearless heralds
of Christ's greeting on Easter Day:  Peace be with you!
With them, I also entrust myself
once again to you
and with confident affection
I repeat to you:
Totus Tuus ego sum!
I am all yours!

And each one of them
cries to you, with me:
Totus Tuus!
Totus Tuus!

Amen

(The above prayer was found online here.)

About the author: 

Isabel Gopar Zavaleta is a young adult child of divorce in her mid twenties. Her parents divorced when she was eleven. She is passionate about using her writing charism to help other adult children of divorce like herself, and to serve and to build the Kingdom. Isabel is grateful to have been led to find Life-Giving Wounds, which has played a major role for her in her healing journey towards wholeness. 

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:

1. As an adult child of divorce, what are the biggest challenges you experience around dating and marriage? 

2. How were you specifically hurt and wounded by relationships and marriage in your past? How has it affected you as you have gotten older?

3. Which of these wounds for you needs attention? What is one step that you can take today towards healing, so that, if you have a vocation to marriage, you can be the best, most healthy and holy version of yourself as a spouse? 

4. For readers in the Priesthood or Religious Life, reflect on how this article relates to your own vocational pursuit. What experiences and feelings come to mind?