I’m sitting in my prayer room equipped with everything I need to surrender to God: a prayer corner with a picture of Jesus, my Bible, a pile of spiritual books, and a drawer full of prayers. Today my “goal” is to learn to surrender to God more fully. I have my Surrender Novena to help with this but feel myself straining to surrender, brow furrowed trying to will my surrender into existence. This is clearly the opposite of surrendering so I try again, try to let go. It’s a bit of an oxymoron, I know.

I think back on Fr. Sam Gilbertson’s homily this morning about having childlike dependence on God. I would like to but it’s difficult for me, probably as it is for everyone and especially for children of divorce. We were dependent on others as children and they betrayed us, let us down. We learned that we had to care for and carry ourselves. We had to be tough and independent as we carted our belongings from house to house, and learned to shapeshift our personalities to fit the varying expectations of each parent. We had many houses, but few homes. Few places that we could feel at rest, unguarded, and loved unconditionally. 

In his homily, Fr. Gilbertson reflected on Hosea 11:3-4:“Yet it was I who taught Ephraim [Israel] to walk, who took them in my arms; but they did not know I cared for them. I drew them with human cords with bands of love; I fostered them like one who raises an infant to his cheeks; I bent down to feed them.” Father raised his hands in the air like a child would when they want to be picked up or want a hand to hold while learning to walk. It was an effective visual for me. I too am learning to walk in the faith. He highlighted this intimate image of Jesus caring for us like a parent, raising us up to his cheeks.

Back in my room, I started praying the Surrender Novena: “O Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!” I realized at that moment how much of my life I have had to care for myself, even as a small child, a latchkey kid walking home from kindergarten alone and letting myself into an empty house. I also realized how that reality and idea that I must take care of myself is preventing me from surrendering to God. I test my level of surrender by the strain in my forehead that is nearly constant: an indicator of my worry or stress. But he does take care of us, he handles us with care, the loving care of a good father. And he doesn’t just take care, he takes care of everything! Slowly, slowly I relax. 

I have comforted myself before in prayer and allowed Jesus to touch my wounds by wrapping my arms around myself as if they were his. I imagine him holding me while I rest my head on his chest. Today I lift my hands like a child and later cradle my cheek in the palm of my hand imagining it is his cheek against mine. It seems silly, but alone in my room I feel comforted. There is a school of acting, the Stanislavski method, part of which includes doing specific actions with our bodies to create a feeling, to be that character internally and externally. So maybe it’s not so strange to use my body to spark an emotional connection to Jesus, who gave us our bodies with its senses in order to draw closer to him.

Surrender feels scary as a child of divorce, but if there is anyone who I can trust and love and surrender to, it is Jesus. I realize I must surrender to Him my most valued asset: my independence, a coping mechanism from childhood that has helped me survive. He is trustworthy and dependable and consistent in a way that no human being has ever been or ever could be for me. 

Prayer

Lord, help me to trust you enough to surrender myself to you and depend on you; to let go of the fear that tells me I must be independent and take care of myself. Help me to grow in wisdom of you and your love for me, and the courage to accept that love. Take care of everything! 

About the Author

Sandy grew up in Southern California where she spent her time camping, surfing and horseback riding. She earned a B.A. in journalism from Cal State, Long Beach, and has written for Black Belt and Boys’ Life magazines and various community newspapers. She has been married for twenty years and now lives in Minnesota with her husband Mark. She has a blended family with two stepsons, one who earned his Masters in Theology, another who is a talented musician, and one son in seminary.

Sandy rediscovered her Catholic faith upon moving to Minnesota nine years ago, and in the last two years has begun the healing process from her parents' divorce. She has been retired since 2019. She is also a Life-Giving Wounds online retreat leader.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. What are some times where you have completely surrendered your life to the Lord? If none come to mind, that is ok. Imagine what that may feel like in your heart, in your mind and in your spirit.

2. Pause for a moment and pray the Surrender Novena: “O Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything!” (Repeat 10 times) | What from your past may you still be holding tight to that Christ is asking you to relinquish into His arms of love?