Part One of this series on Boundaries focused on the importance of having a healthy self. Part Two will now examine more closely the typical boundary patterns that adult children of divorce (ACODs) tend to experience as well as replicate in other relationships. Below are examples of scenarios that often occur during the time of the divorce, followed by the effects they have on the child and the ways in which they may manifest in future relationships. 

Typical Scenarios

Scenario 1: Overidentification:

One parent overly identifies with child in an attempt (conscious or unconscious) to fill the void left by their spouse. The parent focuses too much on the child as the balance in the family has been disrupted. The energy that the parent used to pour into their marriage is allocated to the child. 

Common Effect:

Child loses sense of self because parent is overly enmeshed with them.

Examples of how this may play out long-term:

Child doesn’t feel free to give themselves in other relationships for fear of “abandoning” parent. Child can’t “leave their mother and father and cling to their spouse” (Genesis 2:24) in marriage because they are unable to have a healthy boundary with the parent. This can lead to problems in marriage if the person is not sufficiently separated from the enmeshed parent. 

Scenario 2:Parentification

Child is “parentified” (placed into a parental role when in fact they should be “child”) as parent leans too much on them for support in various areas of life. This often involves the parent sharing too much information with the child regarding their own emotions, or sharing too many details about the divorce. The child may be asked to take on more of a parental role with siblings, too, now that one parent is gone. 

*This scenario is similar to the first scenario of overidentification and many of the effects are the same, but also distinct in enough ways to merit another category.  

Common Effect:

Child’s own emotions and needs are squashed and sidelined as they struggle to take care of their parent(s) and/or sibling(s). 

Examples of how this may play out long-term:

Child becomes a “caretaker” in other relationships, which often enables dependency in others as well as lack of responsibility. The child is prone to being taken advantage of. 

The child may also find it difficult to identify his or her own emotions accurately, since he or she is used to suppressing them (consciously or unconsciously) in favor of caring for another’s emotions.  

If the child is young when the divorce happened, he or she matures (emotionally) too early. He or she is burdened with emotions that their brain cannot process at such an early developmental stage. The brain experiences it as overload and this can lead to problems emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. In effect, the mind, body, and spirit, are responding to trauma.

Scenario 3:Avoidance

Child stops communicating with one or both parents (e.g. Child stops seeing the parent that left, either as a result of their own choice or a lack of involvement from the outside parent. Child might also put up walls of defense with the more involved parent and decide never to truly let them in again.)

Common Effect:

Rigid/Overly Firm Boundaries 

Examples of how this may play out long-term:

Child maintains a pattern of cutting off relationships in general. A sort of avoidant personality develops that fails to engage others fully and that generally keeps distance in relationships in order to avoid getting hurt. The person may also tend to cut others out of their life immediately when something goes wrong in the relationship rather than staying and working it out. Relationships don’t feel safe. Intimacy is dangerous rather than secure. 

The above are only three ways that boundaries can be disrupted in ACODs’ relationships. These seem to be the most common ones, but there are many other variations that also exist. Following is a case study that demonstrates what one of these patterns looks like in the life of an actual adult child of divorce. Names have been changed to protect the identity of all involved. Like the scenarios above, this example is simply one manifestation of the cascade of effects of unhealthy boundaries prompted by parental divorce. 

Case Study: Mary

Mary’s parents divorced when she was ten years old. She is an only child and the decision was made at the time of the divorce that she would live with her mother. Although she saw her dad every weekend, Mary spent most of her time with her mom. Mary’s mother struggled to cope with her own emotions after the divorce and often leaned on Mary as a friend and confidant. Her mom shared details of the divorce with Mary, and Mary often found herself comforting her mother as well as taking care of household things when her mom was too depressed to do so. 

Because she was enmeshed with her mother and parentified at an early age, Mary internalized that to be “good” and to be loved, she must take care of others. She surrounded herself with people that needed her and was known to her friends as the “mom” of the group. When she began dating, she tended to attract men who overly depended on her for things. While in therapy, she was dating a man who could not hold a job for longer than three weeks. He depended on her for income and knew that she would be there to help him if he could not provide for himself. Mary felt used but also unable to say “no” to her boyfriend’s neediness. She lacked a strong sense of self and thought that for someone to love her, she must give unwaveringly. She found it impossible to refuse others, even at the expense of her own needs, and ultimately, at the expense of her own self. Mary also struggled in her relationship with God. She regularly tried to earn His love and found it difficult to receive from Him. She developed a scrupulosity in her faith and an unhealthy perfectionism because she was not able to live a sin-free life and therefore imagined that God was disappointed in her. Ultimately, she found her identity in meeting others’ needs while her true self remained squelched. Her disconnection with herself lead to clear problems in her relationships with others and with God.   

At the risk of the above scenario seeming to blame all of Mary’s relational problems on her parents’ divorce (which is not entirely true), it is important to make the connections between her early relational patterns and her later difficulties with relationships, faith, etc. Mary was not given a model of healthy boundaries. The model she was given communicated to her that there were no boundaries. Her inner dialogue (even if unconscious) was formed to sound something like this: “If someone needs from you, you give to them. Put others before yourself, even at the cost of your self. To set boundaries means you do not love someone.” 

How we learn to relate to others early on in life has a direct bearing on how we relate to others later in life. While this concept denotes the idea of psychological attachment overall, in the particular case of boundaries, we develop our ideas of what is okay and what is not okay based on our early relationships. When these relationships are unhealthy, for example as a result of the trauma of divorce, we form distorted ideas about the truth of things. Whether our distortions cause us to pull others overly close or to push them too far away, we rely on our internal rules about relationships that were formed as we developed. 

Although a lot of the focus thus far has been the impact on boundaries for those whose parents divorced during their childhood, this is not to imply that individuals whose parents divorced later on in life cannot be impacted in similar ways. At its core, divorce is a horrific and disintegrating rupture of wholeness. At any age, the impact of the fracture of their parents’ bond on a person is devastating. Those who are already adults might question their entire lives and if anything was ever whole or “real”. They may put up new and rigid boundaries with those currently in their lives in order to prevent any other shattering of long trust. Alternatively, they may become overly enmeshed with current relationships as they respond in fear to losing anyone else in their lives. They will likely struggle to know how to relate to each parent, and issues with siblings can often arise if siblings have different ideas about boundaries.  

Our relational problems are not completely the fault of our parents, and the goal of this series is not to make that point. However, it is important to acknowledge the cascade of effects that divorce has on future relating, especially in the area of understanding and maintaining healthy boundaries. We acknowledge the pain and the root of our pain not to point fingers, but to say the truth of things, to be seen, to understand why we may have developed the way we did in certain regards, and ultimately, to forgive the faults that led us on a path of dysfunction. Let us keep in mind as we examine these things that the intention of Christ is always health, always unity, always love, and always truth. When we name our dysfunction for what it is and speak the truth in love, we honor the self that God gave us and in turn, the Creator of our self is delighted. His Mercy flows unceasingly, because He has turned all lies into truth, and the wiles of the enemy are annihilated as the Lord straightens our crooked paths. We need only ask for the courage to bring all to our Father. He will do everything.    

Bonus: Infographic

We’ve created a visual, using Dr. Jill’s words, to demonstrate the situations of enmeshment and extreme independence. Plus there are two encouraging letters to people who struggle with either of these tendencies. Check it out here.

About the author:

Dr. Jill Verschaetse is a wife, mother, and licensed clinical psychologist. Although much of her work is currently at home, focused on mothering her own young children, she continues to do part-time work through psychological consultation and speaking engagements. Dr. Jill is also a child of divorce and a graduate of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. She is honored to be a part of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling retreat team, and she and her husband Dr. Nate Verschaeste serve as psychological advisors for Life-Giving Wounds.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. Which scenario, if any of them, most resonated with your experience and why?

2. Did you feel burdened with other’s emotions?

3. Do you relate to Mary’s experience?

4. Have you asked “for the courage to bring all to our Father?” If not, will you now?

5. Do you have established boundaries with either/both of your parents?