Part One of this series focused on having a healthy self, and Part Two described typical boundary scenarios for Adult Children of Divorce/Separation (ACODs). Part Three will now consider how our boundary patterns affect our spiritual life and our relationship with God. 

Many of us never consider that the ways we were formed in our early years, as well as the resulting relational patterns we develop, are related to the ways we approach God and the ways we permit/do not permit Him to approach us. Although this makes sense because God is a person, we may unknowingly categorize our faith as something separate and unrelated to the other parts of our lives. We imagine that even if we are struggling in relationships with others, that this is irrelevant to our life of faith. We do not think that the two could be related and never consider that we might have boundary issues with God. 

Continuing with the themes from Part Two of this series, let us look at boundaries with God in light of the extremes of avoidant independence and enmeshed dependence. 

Our relational patterns of protecting ourselves and our fears of being hurt often show up in significant ways in our relationship with our Creator. Father wounds in particular can be transferred to our ideas of our Heavenly Father and often cause us to behave in ways reflective of this (distorted) image. I think it is a bit easier to acknowledge that many of us can be avoidant with God than to consider that we might have an enmeshed pattern of relating to Him. For those of us who have been deeply hurt by the trauma of divorce and have walls around our hearts, we often keep these walls in place even with the Lord. Furthermore, we may have anger toward Him for not protecting us from these wounds and therefore might see Him as a passive God at best, or a sick/twisted God at worst – one who looks on as we suffer tremendously. In order to protect ourselves from further hurt, we may actively avoid Him, or more subtly, sideline Him in our lives, entering into superficial relationship with Him. 

While the cause of avoidant independence with God is often a false image of Him, the effects can be numerous. Let’s look at a few:

1. Lack of intimacy with the God who longs for intimacy with us.

2. A perpetual sense of restlessness because the true deep connection for which we are designed, a connection with our Creator, cannot be fulfilled while there are still walls surrounding our hearts.

3. Exhaustion from running from the only One who can bring us true healing. 

4. A feeling of emptiness as we discover that other things fail to satisfy, and our only true fulfillment is in God. 

We might live a good portion of our lives in avoidance until one day the idea of letting down our walls with the hope of meeting God as He is somehow seems less risky than our continual flight. It might be a romantic relationship that gives you a new image of God and just enough hope to try to let Him in again. Maybe a seemingly insurmountable life event leads you to hope against hope that the God behind your walls is actually good. Perhaps you are just tired of running and need to rest in His embrace, even if it means collapsing first at His feet. Or maybe you are reading these words right now and are still stuck behind your walls, but know deep within you that something needs to change. No matter the turning point, this move toward Him is essential. We cannot experience all that we were created for if we remain behind bars. And although it usually was not our choice to put them there, but rather a kind of forced survival mechanism, it is our choice whether we will let them remain. The Lord respects your freedom and will not force His way in, but please know, His preference is for you. 

In this process, the Lord is unfathomably patient. Psalm 87 says that the Lord “loves the gates of Zion more than any dwelling in Jacob.” Out of His tremendous love for you, He prefers to sit at your gates/walls, because it is there that He is close to your heart. Imagine seeing this good Father waiting in patient love outside the gates of your heart. I’ve often wondered if the following words from earlier in the Psalms would then flow freely from our lips: “Lift up your heads, you gates, and be lifted up, ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in!” (Psalm 24:7). 

Let us now consider the enmeshed dependence approach to relating with God. 

Most of us never consider the fact that we could be overly occupied with God or too concerned about what He thinks of us. Isn’t He the point of everything? Shouldn’t we be thinking about what He thinks of us all the time? While there is some sense of piety in this, when we look further, we see that it actually reflects our lack of trust in Him. It is almost like saying to Him, “Hey Dad…Do you see me? How about now? Can you see me, Dad? Dad? Are you there? Am I pleasing to you? Dad?” And while God is indeed pleased that we want to be with Him, it brings Him more joy when we TRUST Him enough to know that he is always there. 

He longs ultimately to hear us say, “Dad, I know you see me. I know you are always there. You know that my desire is to please you. Even if it is hard for me to believe these things sometimes, I trust you with all of my heart. Even when I can’t look at you, I know that you never stop looking at me. Even when I frantically look around, thinking I’ve lost you, I know that you are at my side. Dad?... I love you. Thank you for always loving me.” 

Just as an avoidant independent way of relating to God can have numerous effects, so can relating in an enmeshed dependent way. The following are only a few:

1. Anxiety-based prayer that wastes time seeking for God instead of being with Him.

2. A block to contemplative prayer due to the inability to let go of control during prayer times.

3. Self-focused instead of God-centered prayer that can lead to a (prideful) constant evaluation of one’s progress in the spiritual life.

4. Fear takes the place of faith and robs us of a trustful, surrendered life in Him. 

So what do you do if you find your relationship with God affected by your boundary relating patterns? 

First, recognize that if the Lord is bringing these things to the light for you, it is because He wants to heal them. He desires healthy relating with His children infinitely more than we desire it with Him. 

Second, have compassion on yourself. You developed these relating patterns for a reason. They were not formed overnight nor will they be changed overnight. This is okay. The Lord does not want to “fix” you. He wants healthy, intimate relationship with you and He will take as long as is needed to show your wounded heart that He is worthy of your trust. 

Third, realize that He receives you as you are, even while in the process of healing you. You do not have to wait to be fully healed to begin to have new and intimate relationship with Him.

Fourth, ask Him to give you the grace of trust to heal your boundary wounds so that you might have healthy and secure attachment with Him. 

Fifth, believe that He will. 

If your relating with God and with others is less than perfect when it comes to boundaries and trust, I offer the following prayer to be prayed and journaled with as you embark upon your journey of creating and maintaining healthy relationships.   

Prayer for Healthy Boundaries

Come Holy Spirit. Come by means of the powerful intercession of the Most Holy Family, who provided a refuge for our Lord of safety, security, and familial love. 

Come Holy Spirit of Truth. Enlighten my heart and my mind to know how to facilitate health in all of my relationships. 

Come Holy Spirit of Discernment. Help me to discern where I need to allow you to place walls of healthy protection in my heart and also where you are inviting me to soften my walls to let You and others in. 

Spirit of Truth, do not let me be deceived by the Liar who would have me believe that protection of my heart is selfishness or lack of charity. Equally, preserve me from the lie that complete independence is strength, the lie that prevents me from permitting others to come close at all.

May the walls that are held in place by anger, unforgiveness, or desire to lord it over others, gently dissolve by the power of your Mercy. May the walls that were erected in order to feel a sense of self, power, and control, melt by the power of your Love. 

Place your cross at the center of my heart so that all that comes to me must necessarily pass through you first. 

You Yourself must be the gatekeeper of my heart. Close the gate to all who would be toxic to me and invite those in that you determine are for my good. 

I am sorry for the times I have tried to protect myself, forgetting that you are my good Father. 

I also have compassion for that part of me that didn’t know any other way to survive the toxicity in my life and I thank you for your perfect compassion. 

I give you my fear, my wounds, my uncertainty, and my confusion. And right now, I give you the gift that you’ve been desiring for so long – the gift of my heart. Reign in my heart, Lord. It belongs to you. I trust that you will care for it with tremendous solicitude. Thank you for respecting my boundaries and freedom by waiting to be invited there. Be a warrior for me when I need protection and pour out your Mercy when I am afraid to let others come close. 

Holy Trinity, perfect balance of intimate love, teach me to love without unhealthy self-protection and also without trying to possess others. 

Oh Spirit of Divine Healing, I Trust in You!

Oh Spirit of Holy Integration, I Trust in You!

Oh Spirit of Health and Wholeness, I Trust in You! 

I pray all this in the Holy and Mighty name of Jesus. Amen.

About the Author

Dr. Jill Verschaetse is a wife, mother, and licensed clinical psychologist. Although much of her work is currently at home, focused on mothering her own young children, she continues to do part-time work through psychological consultation and speaking engagements. Dr. Jill is also a child of divorce and a graduate of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. She is honored to be a part of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling retreat team, and she and her husband Dr. Nate Verschaeste serve as psychological advisors for Life-Giving Wounds.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. “So what do you do if you find your relationship with God affected by your boundary relating patterns?“

2. How do your boundary patterns affect your spiritual life and your relationship with God?

3. Do you have a pattern of self-protection?

4. Are there boundaries that you need to implement?

5. Do you now have, or have you in the past had, boundaries with God, your creator?

6. Reflect for a moment on Psalm 87:2. “Out of His tremendous love for you, He prefers to sit at your gates/walls, because it is there that He is close to your heart. Imagine seeing this good Father waiting in patient love outside the gates of your heart.” What do you think the Lord would say to you? What would you want Him to say to you?