I am going to write a word below. After you read it, close your eyes for a minute and be present to how your mind, heart and body respond to that word. No judgments. No censoring. Just observations.  

Are you ready? Deep breath. 

FATHER. 

Now you’re closing your eyes, remember?

It’s a devastating reality that for most people, especially for us Adult Children of Divorce (ACODs), a word which was meant to bring about peace and joy brings instead pain, heartbreak, fear and panic. 

This one simple word is what triggered my first official panic attack. 

It was a few months into my freshman year of college; I was at daily Mass with my friends. At this time, I was really beginning to become aware of how much pain my parents’ divorce had caused and continued to cause me. I remember sitting in Mass, attempting to calm myself, but feeling rising panic each time the priest said the word ‘Father.’ I don’t recall the exact moment, but at some point before the consecration, I reached a breaking point. I got up and rushed out the doors of the chapel into the Fall air. My heart was racing, my mind was a blur, my stomach was cramping and I was hyperventilating. I just sat outside, trying to breathe and regain composure until my friends all emerged after Mass was over. 

At the time I am typing these words, it has been almost exactly fifteen years since that experience. 

Wow! Has so much changed in my life and even more so in my heart! 

Through God’s Grace, today, when I hear the word ‘Father,’ it brings up feelings of peace, security, protection:words that are the complete opposite of my experience fifteen years ago. My old feelings of pain and panic are still present on some level, but they are eclipsed by a greater love and protection. 

If you had stopped me after Mass that day and told me this would be the case, I probably would have either laughed in your face or spouted angry words back, assuming you were playing some sort of cruel trick on me. 

Although the journey has been long and winding, often feeling like there are twice as many downs as ups, this past summer, I participated in a Catholic coaching program which proved to be a huge catalyst in solidifying the healing work God has been doing in my heart over the past decade and a half. 

The program I was in is called KNOWN: Embraced by the Heart of the Father. It is a program developed and run by two Catholic therapists. The description on their site describes it as “a 12 week online Catholic coaching program to heal wounded relationships with God the Father.”  The description itself beckons to my wounded heart, reminding me keenly of the aching father wound we all carry on some level. And it awakens in me now a desire for all my fellow ACOD to experience the Father’s love through this program as I was blessed to experience it! Also, if you are concerned about the pricing for the program, please email the founders. They are very willing to work with people if the financial piece is holding you back! 

For the sake of brevity and simplicity, I want to offer you three keys ways in which the Father used this program to heal my broken relationship and image of Him,

1. It allowed me to make space for Him to work. This is not a magic program that will simply fix all my problems and send me on my way. The ‘magic’ of this program is that in the end, it’s not really about the program. The whole program is designed to allow God the Father the space to work the healing He desires in the life of every person. The hardest part was showing up because I was deathly afraid God would not show up. It has been my experience in life that father’s do not show up when their kids need them. I was able to face this fear every week and I found that with each passing week, the fear remained but I also felt an excitement to show up because I wanted to see what the Father was going to do in my heart! It’s hard to be intentional and make space for healing. Having an outside structure to provide that space was so important! 

2. It offered me a chance to be more honest, open and vulnerable with the Father, in a safe and loving environment, than ever before. Open and honest are not words I would remotely use to describe my relationship with my dad. Guarded and deceitful have been the normal adjectives in this case. One of the key components in the program which (for good reason) was stressed over and over again was the need to be raw and honest. The constant encouragement to do so was so uplifting and allowed me to be more honest with the Father than ever before! And you know what, He was not angry, even when I was harsh and critical! If nothing else, that experience was worth the whole program! 

3. It provided routines and images which I still carry with me and use on  a regular basis to continue to deepen my relationship with the Father.  Another key part of the program is a series of guided meditations for healing memories and building attachment to the Father. What powerful work the Father did through this! I still return to the meditation on attachment to the Father and it never fails to leave me feeling peaceful and bonded to my Father in a way I never got to experience with my earthly father. 

BONUS:

It helped me spend more time off screens and grounded in the people and world around me! I have been in a battle with screens for the past several years, always trying to define and refine my relationship with technology. Part of KNOWN is a routine where you disconnect from screens at certain times in order to connect deeper with the Father and with those around you. It was so hard, but SO GOOD! I have not been as diligent in continuing since the program ended, but I have still been able to be more intentional overall! Win!

It amazes me still to think back to where I have been and where I am now; how gentle and steady is His hand, how calm and soothing His voice. The Father has provided, is providing and will provide! I falter and fall in trusting Him, but he is always strong and sure. 

Thank you, Father, for caring for your children. Thank you for always holding us in Your arms. Thank you for Your patience and gentleness and we wander and return. Heal our broken hearts with Your Gentleness and Your Faithfulness. Amen. 

Intercessory Prayer:

St. Joseph, patron of fathers, please pray for our earthly fathers and our relationship with them.

About the Author:

Stephanie is a wife and mother of three boys. She and her family live in Pennsylvania. Her husband works for their local parish and she homeschools their boys. She likes reading, watching documentaries, playing board/card games and going for walks without her phone. 

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. What came to mind when you read the word, Father?

2. What do you relate to in Stephanie’s article?

3. Have you been on a KNOWN retreat? Would you like to?

[Editor’s note: The author is willing to answer any questions from the Life-Giving Wounds community about KNOWN. Out of privacy, we are asking that you contact her via the info@lifegivingwounds.org email account with the subject line “KNOWN: For Stephanie”]