I have heard divorce described as an “ontological wound,” a wound at the very core of our identity. Our parents who created us divide, and so we in turn feel divided. This is certainly strong language, but I think it puts a finger on the intimate and vulnerable wound experienced by adult children of divorce. The pain of the wound can lead us to cry out to God for healing. My parents divorced when I was twelve and I have been on a healing journey to wholeness in Christ since. 

My healing journey began when I started to come to know Jesus in high school. When I traveled back and forth between my mom and my dads house in high school, I would stop at my parish to spend time with Jesus present in the Tabernacle. Jesus was silently restoring me to wholeness and unity as I spent time before Him who was loving me. He is one in the Eucharist, and he gathers all that is divided within us into His unity. He was a source of stability and unity for me in a time when I felt the division of traveling back and forth between my mom and my dads. I found Him to be my true home.

As I journeyed further toward Christ, I would ask him to heal me in prayer. I thought for many years that since my parents divorced I was not whole; I was half; I was empty of an essential part of my being and identity. While this is true in one respect for all of us who suffer from the wound of original sin, in another respect it is not true in that all Christians have been made whole by Jesus Christ through Baptism. However, many of us do not receive the full healing that Jesus desires for us. Years later, God answered my prayer for healing in an explicit way through an in person Life-Giving Wounds retreat, where I had a concrete experience of Jesus’ healing power restoring me to wholeness.

A religious sister led us in a group Lectio Divina, praying with the woman who was healed by Jesus of her hemorrhage after suffering for twelve years with no cure (Mark 5:25–34). I was inspired by the woman’s faith. By a simple touch of Jesus’ garments power went out of Him, and she was healed. “Wow,” I thought, “if only healing could be that simple.” I want that! 

We were then led to welcome Jesus into any burdened memories from our parent’s divorce. A memory came to mind when I felt very alone during the suffering of divorce. I remembered myself in a room, huddled in a corner. It was a time when I was falsely thinking of myself as not whole because of the divorce, and thus turning in on myself. Immediately, Jesus entered the room, and, with His radiant face, he broke through my darkness. He knelt, lifted my downcast body and face, and said to me: “I make you whole.” One word from Christ broke through the lies I believed about my identity, reminding me of my true identity in Him, as His beloved. 

Prayer is essential to our healing as adult children of divorce. The Gospel opens our eyes to the light of Jesus Christ who wants to break through our darkness. Not just any darkness, but the burdened memories that keep us from living as His beloved. The more we come to know Jesus in prayer, the more we come to know his tremendous love for us. He is with us in our suffering and cares tremendously about all the ways we have been wounded. Jesus is the light of our darkness. He wants to shine into every shadow of our life and bring us into the light of His glorious face.

However, we need to make ourselves available to His powerful love that desires to heal, to restore, to make us whole. How can we make ourselves more available to Christ? Our beautiful Church offers us so many opportunities to receive healing and restoration from Christ. Confession, Mass, Eucharistic Adoration, and praying with the Gospels are tremendous opportunities to encounter Christ’s love. What kind of prayer might the Holy Spirit be inviting me into so that I can make myself more available to Christ for healing?

Intercessory Prayer:

“Restore us, O God; let your face shine, that we may be saved” (Psalm 80:3-4).

About the Author:

I am Deacon Ryan Martire, a transitional Deacon for the Diocese of Bismarck. I was born and raised in Bismarck, North Dakota. I am truly grateful for my family and the community which I grew up in in Bismarck. Catholic grade school and high school had an important impact on my life. I had a conversion to Christ and His Church in high school through good priests, good teachers, and good friends who all witnessed Christ to me. After high school I attended college at DePaul University where I majored in Catholic Studies and played NCAA soccer for the “Blue Demons.” While I was in college I received the call to enter seminary. I became aware of a desire deep within my heart to become a Priest of Jesus Christ. I have continued to listen too and follow that desire to this day. I began seminary at St. John Paul II Seminary in Washington, DC. I then did a spirituality year at St. John Vianney Seminary in Denver, CO. I am now in my final year of Major Seminary at Kenrick-Glennon Seminary in St. Louis, MO. I will be ordained a Priest for the Diocese of Bismarck June 11, 2024. 

I was introduced to Life-Giving Wounds while in seminary. One of the Sisters from the Shrine of St. John Paul II in Washington, D.C. invited me to participate in an online Life-Giving Wounds Retreat during COVID. I participated with another seminarian friend. Participating in Life-Giving Wounds helped me to realize that I am not alone in the wound of divorce and that I do not need to live in shame. I gained confidence that others have suffered this wound and have experienced tremendous healing through Christ. I introduced LGW to the seminary in St. Louis where we did a 7-week retreat with 18 seminarians and 2 priests who have suffered from the wound of divorce or separation. I am truly grateful for the gift of Life-Giving Wounds ministry in my own life and the lives of many others around me. May the Holy Spirit continue to spread this good ministry in the Church. 

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. How has God helped reshape your identity through prayer?

2. Do you see prayer as essential to your healing?

3. What memory from the divorce has not been redeemed by the light of Christ?