The inner critic is a very demanding, uninvited voice in your head that chastises you for being inept, bad, or deficient. It undermines your self-confidence and increases your self-doubt. In a podcast episode, Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Kevin Majeres characterizes the inner critic as containing “all the harshness the person has residing in their head.”  

For many of us adult children of divorce or separation (ACODs), the external critics or voices from our childhood (perhaps parents, step-parents, siblings, even counselors) may have told us that we were not meeting the new expectations of a radically changing family.  We may have been told that we needed to set aside our own feelings, perform well in school and in life, and expect less support from our changing family. Don’t be blue, but “grow up fast”, meeting the demands of others.  Don’t be unhappy or selfish. Rather than mournfully processing our family’s destruction, we were expected to accommodate to it with much less family support and usually less parental support.

And we were reminded that even though our parents’ love for each other failed, they still love each of us… which may have been true. But now the love between us and our parents is an atomized and private relation that we have with each parent, and not love given from a unified and committed couple.  If I had a great time at dad’s, I should keep that to myself so as not to upset mom; or if my mom and I had a great weekend, no reason to tell dad, he’ll be jealous and puzzled.  So we learn to isolate and partition our familial affections and become less enthusiastic and more demure in our comments. Rather than being expressive of love, we tone down any cross-parental enthusiasm (or criticism) since our mom and dad are no longer a unit.  Integration through shared values, focusing on the family’s common good, and strengthening family bonds through appreciation are generally not the approach that we learn in divorced or separated families. 

Now, fast-forward to adulthood. The external childhood messages have receded, but may remain stridently internalized as an inner critic. Our inner critic may daily or even hourly remind us that our failures are still causing problems for ourselves and others. These negative emotions come from the overt and covert expectations to mature and grow up with less emotional support, which we don’t really deserve.  This leaves a gap between our abilities and our needs, and the inner critic consistently reminds us that we have never done enough and need to do more.

Faced with this unpleasant negativity, our tendency is usually “fight or flight.” We either argue with the voice or try to ignore it and flee from it. Dr. Majeres points out that “fight or flight” rarely solves this problem and often makes it worse. Our opposed inner critic doubles down and become even more harsh, demanding, and belittling.  (Try the experiment of not thinking about something or telling a thought to go away and notice how it runs through your stop signs and goes to the front of your mind with even more force and frequency.) This leaves us exhausted – inner critics love to work the night shift instead of letting you sleep – as well as discouraged or maybe even depressed from the chronic negativity and berating. 

So what can we do about our internal critic?  

With any problem, actually, with any situation whether of stress or comfort, we want to start with prayer, reminding ourselves that God is in charge and we are radically loved by God no matter how things are going. We are not alone, isolated, or helpless. He is a loving Father, and Christ suffers with and for us. That’s always the first step. 

Then having re-integrated with God, instead of fighting or fleeing, Dr. Majeres and others propose that we calmly and lovingly reframe the whole relationship and instead invite our critic to become a part of ourselves, to be an ally and partner rather than an invading enemy. After all, whatever the origin, our inner critic is now a part of ourselves. 

In the divorcing family, we are told that peace and cooperation are a product of keeping quiet, reducing enthusiasm so as not to hurt the other parent.  We adapt the mindset of having to endure unfortunate changes.  We’re not thinking growth, we’re thinking accommodation: Mom and dad will never remarry; I don’t want to be integrated into a new family; if I show my love for my mother my father gets upset and vice versa. I’ve already given up on integration.  I’ll settle for accommodation. There’s little that I can do about it. 

This learned behavior makes sense when we are helpless children being moved like chess pieces to try to find a workable solution. But the hang-over that we didn’t really help to solve the problems, and might have been accused of aggravating the problems, lingers into adulthood. 

It may be difficult for ACODs to integrate the harsh inner critic because for so long we were programed to silently accept non-integration. We experienced disintegration with the add-on to appear happy. So as adults wanting an alternative in our own relationships and family, we need to practice new ways to find integration and to believe in lasting love and true harmony.  We must learn about integration and not just accommodation. And integrating the inner critic is a good place to start. 

In his podcast episode “How to win over your inner critic,” Dr. Majeres does a guided imagery of making peace with your inner critic.  Guided imagery is often used by therapists to access a different part of a person’s brain, the more harmonious, with the goal of integrating instead of fighting or flighting. Ideally, this will help us to grow.

Majeres talks about how to identify and get an image of your inner critic.  For example, is it male or female? Men might have female inner critics and women might have male inner critics. The goal is to get a clear picture of your inner critic so you can better relate to him or her. A critical step is to realize that despite the harshness, the inner critic is trying to help you grow. This is a breakthrough awareness that can transform the critic. The inner critic isn’t another person hassling me—he or she is a part of myself on the fringes, but ideally will be integrated into the whole of who I am, able to assist in my growth.  Admittedly, this type of compassionate exercise may seem awkward at first, but the overall point is to literally invite the inner critic to integrate into yourself, which will ultimately quiet the inner critic and free it from having to harangue and torment you.

This process teaches us ACODs something we probably didn’t learn in our families: that love is integrative and overt cooperation and love really solves most problems. This exercise reverses the trends we learned as ACODs: instead of breaking up or running away, we will try to resolve our issues by integrating them lovingly into our lives and note the growth and transformation. 

As a final note of caution: we are never intended to integrate sin into our lives (though sometimes our inner critic can be so demoralizing that we might be more tempted to sin…). Integrating one’s inner critic is, rather, accepting a part of ourselves that is trying unskillfully to help us. Recognizing that the inner critic in fact a part of yourself that is trying to help you can lessen the harshness of the inner critic. We resort to fight or flight (and sometimes freeze) when we are in threat mode.  This exercise allows us an alternative to a threat response by creating a loving and transformative response. The impact can be profound and deep, and the peace and harmony can be real and sustaining.

About the author:

Art Bennett has co-written three books on the temperaments with his spouse, Laraine (The Temperament God Gave You, The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse and the Temperament God Gave Your Kids). Laraine comes from an intact family. Art is a ACOD and also a board member of Life-Giving Wounds.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:

1. Do you struggle with an inner critic? If so, what (or whose) voice do you hear?

2. How have you learned to integrate your inner critic?

3. Take a moment to listen to Dr. Kevin Majeres podcast episode. What other lessons do you draw from it?