Forming Families, Forming Saints, by, Fr. Carter Griffin, Emmaus Road Publishing, 240 pages

“I know what you might be thinking. What is a celibate priest doing giving advice to parents?” Thus begins the introduction to Forming Families, Forming Saints by Fr. Carter Griffin. In this 220-page book, Fr. Carter Griffin, rector at the St. John Paul II Seminary in Washington, D.C., offers his priestly and pastoral heart to encourage and assist parents who are seeking to form their children in the faith. As a “non-recovering book addict,” I jumped at the chance to review the book in exchange for a free copy. I have to admit that as a graduate of Franciscan University I was inclined a priori to recommend a book published through the St. Paul Center/Emmaus Road Publishing, located in Steubenville. That affiliation considered, this book gave me way more than I expected.

I expected a good and interesting read; I did not expect to confront my own insecurities, longings, and deep desires.  Initially, I thought that I would read the book from the lens of someone hoping to become a parent and wanting to learn more about how to become the best parent I can be. I did not, however, expect to suddenly shift my emotional focus and attention and begin reading from the perspective of a child evaluating her experience in her family of origin. Considering that this is a blog piece for Life- Giving Wounds, it is pretty ironic that I did not see this shift coming. While I set out to write a book review on Forming Families, Forming Saints, I ended up with an examination of conscience, an itinerary for healing, and a practical guide for personal growth. 

Noticing the glossy pages and beautiful photos, excitement began to build up in me as I opened and skimmed through the pages.  I was delighted to see how the “four pillars” (or dimensions) of formation given to us in Pastores Dabo Vobis (#43-59), human formation, spiritual formation, intellectual formation, pastoral formation, inspired the four-part structure of Fr. Griffin’s teaching on holy parenthood. [1]  Each of the four sections of the book are further divided up into particular virtues. After each virtue is presented, Fr. Griffin offers a particular saint as a model and intercessor. At the end of each section on a virtue, Fr. Griffin also includes a list of practical applications and exercises to inspire real-life action.

As an adult child of divorce, reading about human formation (the foundation for all formation) can be painful and challenging. As the author points out, human formation begins in the home, in the family — what the Catechism calls the Domestic Church. As he says, deficiencies at this level are hard to perfectly remedy later in life. In the section on human formation, Fr. Griffin writes about the virtues of order, sincerity, chastity, fortitude, and magnanimity. If we ACODs are honest, these virtues were not likely on full display in our homes. I felt nervous about reading all the ways in which my human formation was deficient. 

To begin with, reading about the virtue of “order” was honestly painful. For adult children of parental divorce, separation, or family brokenness, our experience of order and disorder is very different from intact and healthy families. When a child’s daily life is disrupted by the chaos of a family breaking apart, when the structures that a child should be learning from his or her parents are no longer in place, the child experiences disorder instead of order. 

I do not know if other ACODs feel similar to me, but I admit that creating and maintaining outward order has never been something I am good at. The practices that Fr. Griffin suggests — such as making one’s bed, organizing one’s time well, and prioritizing the most important tasks of the day — are all logical and easy to understand. Unfortunately, understanding the importance of something and putting it into practice are two completely different realities. As I continue to struggle with order in my own life, I see it as a possible effect of childhood trauma. From what I have learned about trauma and adverse childhood experiences, high levels of stress often impact the executive functioning of children and adults, making it harder to practice and establish order. [2] 

I can imagine that in some families outward order and cleanliness might have been a facade that hid underlying disorder. I can imagine some disordered homes in which rigidity reigns supreme and everything must be outwardly perfect. This was simply not my experience.

Personally, I did not have the time or energy to commit to what I considered superficial or meaningless. I kept myself involved in so many things like sports and school clubs that I did not have the time or energy for the seemingly little things, like tidying up my room. Growing up, it felt like I did not have the mental or emotional capacity to learn the ins and outs of caring for a home, cooking, and the like. My mom took care of those things at her house. My dad took care of those things at his house. I preferred it that way.

I remember the day my mom posted an article on our refrigerator that detailed what types of chores a child should be able to do at each age. When I saw the list, I felt aversion and frustration. In my mind, I was already bearing a huge responsibility and weight in managing and navigating the painful divide in my family, my visits to parents who were not living together, my school work and friendships. The thought of adding on chores seemed daunting and unfair. In some ways, I suppose I resisted the thought of these simple tasks because my childhood joy and play had been disrupted by the trauma of divorce. Why should I do more work?

Realizing the strong reactions within me towards the virtue of order, it was with a bit of trepidation that I began reading about the virtue of sincerity. Once again, I found myself confronted by the legacy of parental divorce. I began reminiscing about the times in which I had to hide information from a parent, due to pressure or false loyalty. I thought about the ways I could not share my true feelings and tried to mask my pain through smiles and laughter. Once again, I found myself confronting the painful truth that broken homes are not the best place to learn and cultivate virtues. 

When it came to reading about the virtue of fortitude, I felt less afraid. After all, children from broken families often have to have a good measure of courage and resilience to overcome their adverse experiences in life. Yet here, too, I realized there is a path of healing and growth to which God is inviting me. I can no longer use extracurriculars as an escape from my responsibilities. I am learning that we never really grow out of our need for human formation. We are always pilgrims on the way, works in progress, saints in the making.

The domain of human formation was not the only section that gave me room to pause and pray. In the section on spiritual formation, Fr. Griffin points out the need to live as sons and daughters of God, a theme over which I have spent many hours in prayer. Being childlike and confident with God the Father does not come easily for those with attachment injuries and broken relationships, understandably so. 

In discussing how to cultivate a supernatural outlook, Fr. Griffin writes, “A child’s world revolves around the home. It is where he or she belongs. …There is a similar dynamic in the life of faith. Knowing that we are sons and daughters of God means that we are at home in the house of the Father” (p.73). This association of home and belonging, and the spiritual analogy that comes with it, may come naturally for those who grew up in healthy families; however, the experience of divorce and family brokenness can damage this association. 

For better or worse, a child’s experience of the home shapes his or her sense of identity. When the security of “home” is shattered by divorce or family brokenness, a child can lose his or her sense of belonging. Custodial fights, moves, divisions and separations between family members can make a child  wonder, “to whom do I belong?” In the book Life-Giving Wounds, Dan and Bethany Meola write, “Existential and ontological questions like these can lead to a deep sense of insecurity regarding identity and place in the family and the world” (p.88). This is yet another painful wound that Christ wants to heal.

Often wounds in the family lead to wounds in one’s relationship to God and the Church. Thankfully, the Church is a home for the broken-hearted. In discussing the Eucharist, Fr. Griffin points out Jesus wants to be close to us: “He loves us and likes our company” (p.84). The love of Jesus is a healing balm for our wounds and the Eucharist is a medicine for our souls. As I’ve written about elsewhere, I personally believe that the Eucharist is a great source of healing for identity wounds.

Another area of spiritual formation that might be healing for ACODs is learning to draw near to the angels and saints. I loved Fr. Griffin’s section on the angels and saints because it reminds us that we are never alone, even if we feel lonely at times (p. 99). Even if our experience of home and family life was painful, we have the opportunity to discover a heavenly family. The angels and saints can form true, real relationships with us, albeit lived in faith and prayer. As Fr. Griffin points out, these friends of God are interested in us, desire to help us, and are a good example for us (p. 99).

When it comes to intellectual formation, Fr. Griffin writes about the virtues of humility, faith, and prudence. He also writes about the importance of good spiritual reading and the experience of beauty, particularly in the liturgy. What immediately strikes me in reading about the virtue of humility is Fr. Griffin’s outline of two vastly different worldviews (cf. p.117). The first worldview is based on what is real, it exists independently of my thoughts and feelings, and it demands humility. The second worldview is based on my subjective thoughts and feelings and is something I can create and modify. 

One’s worldview matters. There are many realities that ACODs experience which are denied or redefined by their parents: What is a family and who is in my family? What is a marriage and is it meant to last? What is a home and do I belong? What is happiness? It takes humility to admit that a marriage or family is struggling and in need of repair. It also takes humility to admit that as adults, our parents’ divorce causes suffering and the ongoing need for healing. 

The world says: “Divorce is not so bad. It is better to divorce than suffer in an unhappy marriage. Kids can adjust. Family is whatever you want it to be.” The reality is: divorce is painful, traumatic, and life-altering. Divorce is not the only response to an unhappy marriage. Children from divorced homes suffer, they often want their parents to get back together or their family to be intact, and they have little say in what their family looks like. I cannot help but wonder if at the heart of so many breakdowns in relationships and broken marriages are conflicts in worldview and a lack of humility.

While there is too much content to go into detail through each section. It is worth noting that in the section on apostolic formation, Fr. Griffin touches upon the importance of interpersonal skills, love for souls, the ability to explain and defend the faith through apologetics, the discernment of vocations, and how to nurture hope in the family.

In the end, each of the sections is meant to encourage parents and invite them to deeper healing and growth. The book presents a pathway, an itinerary for further developing the needed virtues for forming children well. I really appreciated many insights throughout the book; they provided some consolation to me. From the very first introduction, I loved how Fr. Griffin reminded us of the many resources we have as parents (or hopeful future parents in my case), especially God Himself. He reminds the reader that “Catholic parenting is above all a work of grace” (p. 1). 

As ACODs, while our parents did not provide us with everything we needed for our own formation, we have the ability to take responsibility for our ongoing formation as adults. There are many resources we can choose from to help us. Forming Families, Forming Saints is one resource that I can warmly recommend. One does not need to be a parent to see the immediate application and benefits that this book provides. 

I mentioned how Fr. Griffin begins the book by addressing his credibility as a celibate priest writing for families. Interestingly, the patron saint at the seminary where Fr. Griffin serves was himself a celibate priest who had much to offer the Church and the world in his catechesis on marriage and family life. The Church is very much indebted to St. John Paul II and his catechesis on the Theology of the Body, articulated after years of pastoral ministry to young adults and families, the fruit of which was the publication of his book, Love and Responsibility. Knowing this, perhaps we need not be skeptical of what celibate priests have to say.

Endnotes

1. For those who may be interested in learning more, the four pillars of formation are discussed on the Interior Integration for Catholics Podcast starting with episode #133.

2. Cf. Lucas, F. (2022, March 11). Executive functioning is much harder for children from chaotic households. The Sector. https://thesector.com.au/2022/01/06/executive-functioning-is-much-harder-for-children-from-chaotic-households/; Cf. McLean, S. (2018, May). Difficulty with executive functioning in children who have experienced adversity. AIFS. https://aifs.gov.au/resources/practice-guides/developmental-differences-children-who-have-experienced-adversity-guide-no3

Prayer to the Holy Family

Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
in you we contemplate
the splendour of true love,
to you we turn with trust.

Holy Family of Nazareth,
grant that our families too
may be places of communion and prayer,
authentic schools of the Gospel
and small domestic Churches.

Holy Family of Nazareth,
may families never again
experience violence, rejection and division:
may all who have been hurt or scandalized
find ready comfort and healing.

Holy Family of Nazareth,
make us once more mindful
of the sacredness and inviolability of the family,
and its beauty in God’s plan.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
graciously hear our prayer.

Amen

(The above prayer was found in Pope Francis’ Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation AMORIS LÆTITIA)

About the author:

Emily Rochelle graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville with a Master’s in Catechesis and Evangelization in 2021. She is currently pursuing a Certificate in Spiritual Direction from Divine Mercy University and hopes to complete the program in 2025. Having experienced her parents’ divorce while she was in elementary school, Emily has a heart of compassion for those who suffer and a deep desire to bring the healing love of Christ into people’s lives. For this purpose, Emily has begun a ministry called “Into the Heart of Mercy,” with the mission of making the merciful love of God known and experienced more deeply through formation, spiritual direction, retreats and resources. She lives in Wisconsin with her husband.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

The following questions are provided as a prompt for those thinking about or discussing the book. 

Human formation (p.11-57):

1. Order (p.15-21): What has your experience been of order or disorder in the home growing up? How is this reflected in your life today? What type of order is the easiest/hardest for you: time management/scheduling, cleanliness, or prioritizing various tasks?

2. Sincerity (p.23-30): How has your family of origin encouraged or discouraged sincerity? How has your experience influenced your ability to be authentic in relationships? Do you practice sincerity with God in prayer? Why or why not?

3. Chastity (p.31-39): What did you learn about human love and sexuality from your family of origin? Did either of your parents struggle with chastity or give a bad example? How is God calling you to grow in self-giving love?

4. Fortitude (p.41-48): Is there anyone in your life who is a model of strength and courage? In your family, work, or faith how do you respond to difficulties and obstacles? Do you get discouraged and give up or take courage and persevere?

5. Magnanimity (p.49-57): What are your ideals and dreams? Do you have a sense of your life’s meaning and purpose? Do you know the greatness God is calling you to?

Spiritual Formation (p.61-107)

1. Sons and Daughters of God (p.65-72): How has your relationship with God and sense of identity as a child of God been impacted by your family of origin?

2. Supernatural outlook (p.73-81): What do you see as the meaning and purpose of life? 

3. The Eucharist (p.83-90): Are there any Eucharistic devotions, like adoration, that are a part of your life? How does Jesus’ Eucharistic presence impact you?

4. Sacrifice (p.91-98): When you hear the word “sacrifice,” what do you think of? 

5. Angels and Saints (p.99-107): Do you have a favorite saint? How might you establish a stronger relationship to your guardian angel or the saints?

Intellectual Formation (p.111-163)

1. Humility (p.117-123): Are you accepting of your personal limitations? How do you strive for a healthy self-esteem as well as an openness to correction and constructive criticism?

2. Faith (p.127-134): When did your life of faith begin and what are you doing to nourish it?

3. Prudence (p.135-143): How might volunteerism impact you? Do you have any experiences of acting imprudently and then later realizing your mistake?

4. Spiritual Reading (p.145-154): Do you make time each day to read something good and nourishing for your soul? Do you have any favorite books or authors that have inspired and encouraged you on the journey of healing and holiness?

5. Beauty (p.155-163): What forms of beauty most attract you, whether visual arts, music, dance and movement, or natural beauty? How do you feel when you encounter beauty?

Apostolic Formation (p.167-217)

1. Interpersonal Skills (p.171-179): Did your parents divorce impact your ability to relate to other people? What kinds of interpersonal skills do you feel the strongest or weakest in?

2. Love for Souls (p.181-189): Is there any area of ministry or service that you feel called to, or are already participating in, in order to share the love of God?

3. Apologetics (p.191-199): Do you know the reasons for faith and hope? Do you study the teachings of the Church and understand the deeper “why” behind the teaching?

4. Vocations (p.201-208): If you are discerning your vocation, what do you think might be the next step? If you are in your vocation, what was the process of discernment like and how might you continue to strengthen your commitment and allow it to blossom?

5. Hope (p.209-2017): How do you see God rescuing you from the darkness of despair and bringing you into the light of hope?