For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of sonship. When we cry, “Abba! Father!” it is the Spirit himself bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. - Rom 8:14-17 

The book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, by clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson, provides readers with a thorough examination of the causes and effects of emotionally immature parents on their children.  Overall, adult children of divorce would greatly benefit from her wisdom and clinical experience; she not only sees and understands the struggle that many of us go through, but provides helpful strategies for living an emotionally healthy and balanced life.

While Dr. Gibson does not concentrate specifically on divorce, she is intent on helping the reader focus on their own self-development and maturity, rather than attempting to ‘fix’ our parents. This approach allows the reader to free themselves from childhood wounds, live emotionally fulfilling lives, and create boundaries — all while growing in charity towards their parents. In this way, her approach is perfect for those of us with divorced parents. 

One draw-back to her book is that it does not inform the reader on how to deal with parents who have a mental illness (common for children of divorce), such as Borderline Personality Disorder— an extreme manifestation of emotional immaturity. However, the advice Dr. Gibson gives would still apply for people in those situations, even though it may have more limited success without professional help or intervention. 

The first few chapters of the book set the stage and give context to the reader. The author describes emotional loneliness, how it manifests, and its root cause. When an emotionally immature parent is incapable of making an emotional connection with his or her child, the child may grow up with feelings of guilt, loneliness, and anxiety. So primal is our desire for an intimate relationship with our parents that “these children may learn to put other people’s needs first as the price of admission to a relationship” (p. 10). This tendency can create a long-lasting insecurity about the child’s own needs and feelings. However, understanding where this inability to emotionally connect originates can help the child view their parents in a more detached manner. Knowing that their behavior is deeply related to their own childhood illustrates that this hurtful behavior is not intentional — a realization that is quite freeing. 

Many adult children of divorce are well aware of these behavioral flaws of our parents. What we might not understand is why we act certain ways or struggle with anxiety, anger, or depression. The author treats these struggles in the next section of the book by outlining why we find some relationships so exhausting and rife with anxiety. Many children, children of divorce included, upon recognizing that they are not able to emotionally engage their parents, will create what is called a “healing fantasy” (a hopeful ‘what if?’ story about our parents) as well as a “role-self”, which is a person’s unconscious way of manipulating his or her behavior in order to get the best possible reaction from his or her parents (p. 83). Both healing fantasies and role-selves are harmful to the development of our authentic selves, and often create those struggles I mentioned earlier. If not recognized and recovered from, these healing fantasies and role-selves can entrap the adult child into continually exhausting and unsatisfying relationships with our parents and others. 

The author does not leave us with these struggles. The last part of her book is what I found to be the most helpful as an adult child of divorce. Dr. Gibson gives the reader very practical, helpful advice on how to maintain charitable relationships with your parents while creating boundaries and remaining emotionally free. This, I believe, is the most crucial aspect of her book: we cannot love if it is not in total freedom. Her three-pronged approach of “detached observation, maturity awareness, and stepping away from your old role-self” (p. 142) provides the perfect mixture of boundaries and charity. In my opinion, the most helpful part in this section for adult children of divorce is the author’s advice on “detached observation.” Many times an adult child of divorce’s reaction with their split family is rife with tension, and the author recommends that when this happens, we should detach and become observational:

“Make a point of consciously describing the other person in words—silently and to yourself. During a stressful interaction, this kind of mental narration can center and ground you. Whenever you try to find the exact words to describe something, it helps direct your brain’s energy away from emotional reactivity” (p. 146).

Doing this exercise “allows you to stay in a state of relatedness with your parents or other loved ones without getting caught up in their emotional tactics and expectations about how you should be” (p. 146). This type of advice may seem a bit too calculating at first, but upon practice it frees the person to love their parents while maintaining interior peace and freedom. 

Dr. Gibson’s work is thoroughly researched, clear, and replete with helpful examples and practical tips. She helps the reader come to terms with and accept what may be an emotionally unsatisfying relationship with his or her parents. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents outlines how to improve relationship dynamics by showing the reader how to change how he or she reacts and processes, not how one’s parents should do it. She gives guidelines to recognize, identify, and react to interactions with parents in a way that gives you the most emotional freedom. By following these helpful tips, adult children of divorce will learn to be more at peace with their parents, grow in their own emotional maturity, and learn how to break the cycle of emotional immaturity that in some cases goes back several generations.

Overall, I personally found this book especially helpful for the development of my relationships with my parents and other loved ones. As St. Paul said in the quote above, we are children of God and that “if children, then heirs, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ” (Romans 8:17). If while reflecting on Dr. Gibson’s helpful book, you still find yourself disheartened and weary, as I sometimes do, remember St. Paul’s beautiful proclamation of the eternal truth of your divine filiation. Ultimately, we must lean on God to heal the wounds and emotional gaps that our earthly parents may have left, and we must pray to the Holy Spirit to infuse our relationships with peace. I believe that with the combination of frequent prayer and the intentional practice of Dr. Gibson’s advice, our relationships with our parents will improve, and we will feel more authentic and free. 

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*Pseudonym used for privacy’s sake and with the permission of the author.

Rebecca attended a Life-Giving Wounds Retreat in 2019 and was amazed at the amount of healing and bonding that occurred in just three days. She decided to be as involved as she could with this burgeoning ministry. In her spare time, she loves reading, baking, and listening to podcasts!