Navigating Boundaries as an Adult Child of Divorce (Part One: The Necessity of a Self)
Boundaries. The word is a loaded one and often provokes a lot of emotion, especially for adult children of divorce or separation (ACODs). From one extreme of needing to break free from unhealthy family enmeshment wherein personal boundaries are unclear and often violated, to the other extreme of cold unwanted boundaries imposed by others, and everything in-between, ACODs are often tasked with figuring out how to have healthy connections with others without a proper family model to guide them. We often don’t even realize boundaries are an issue for us until we experience repeated relational problems that put a halt on our lives until we can address their roots. Sadly, many children of divorce discover that one of the (rotten) “fruits” of divorce is difficulty creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.
I am a clinical psychologist and also an adult child of divorce. I am very familiar with the current climate of therapy regarding boundaries, and just as familiar with my own wounds that have led me on a personal path of seeking healthy and holy relationships. In the present psychological atmosphere, there is much talk about boundaries. Self-help books constantly consider the topic, and therapy sessions often involve detangling the knots of dysfunctional boundaries. The fact that psychologists are seeing the hidden pain around boundaries for ACODs is encouraging and hopeful. For many of us, we are finally given the permission to recognize that our needs are important, to give voice to the child who was silenced within us, and ultimately, we’re given the permission to have a self. When these permissions are granted through a process of forgiveness, desire for health, and desire to live as God intended us to live, boundary work can lead to extraordinary healing.
However, I would also like to caution those seeking healing in our boundary-bombarded psychological world: Be certain that you are seeking healthy boundaries for the right motives and not as a way of punishing your parents, for example, or out of a need to compensate for the powerlessness you may have felt when your family fell apart. In my clinical work, I have seen both good and evil come out of “boundary work” and so I encourage you to consider your motives and to ask the right questions. Rather than simply inquiring, “What do I need?”, let the question instead be, “Lord, what do healthy boundaries look like for me in this particular relationship?”, which necessarily includes your good and all of your deepest needs. The latter question also trusts that God is a good Father who knows our needs and is attuned to us even in the secret recesses of our heart. It elevates the process of setting boundaries from simply a self-help and self-focused one, to a God-centered one that promises to bring the true and lasting healing for which we long.
In this series on boundaries, we will first look at the meaning and necessity of a self.
Then, later in the series, we will consider some typical scenarios that ACODs struggle with as a result of boundary issues. Finally, we will discuss the spiritual implications of boundary issues as well as some additional practical tools that can aid us in creating and maintaining healthy boundaries that honor ourselves, honor others, and ultimately, honor our God.
Contemporary society and much of the secular psychological world today is extremely “self” focused: look out for Number One; save yourself at all costs; independence is the goal; cut out people who contradict you; self-care is primary, etc. At the other extreme, some Christians have erroneously taught that the “self” is not important: we shouldn’t be concerned about ourselves, but about God; self-care should be last on the list; it is not humble to consider your own needs; you are being selfish by caring for yourself, etc. Both extremes miss the truth, which is this: God created your person and you are good. God wants you to care for and honor yourself. He desires that you come to know the unique person He created you to be. This is meant to be a gift BOTH to ourselves AND to others. The world errs in stressing the first part only, and misguided Christians have erred in stressing only the latter. We are not supposed to be completely turned in on ourselves, nor are we just objects to be used as a means for others’ benefit.
Harry Guntrip, a British psychologist, offered a significant perspective on this balance and stressed that the goal of healthy identity development is neither dependence nor independence, but rather mature dependence:
“Maturity is not equated with independence though it includes a certain capacity for independence… The independence of the mature person is simply that he does not collapse when he has to stand alone. It is not an independence of needs for other persons with whom to have relationship: that would not be desired by the mature.” (Guntrip, Personality Structure and Human Interaction: The Developing Synthesis of Psycho-dynamic Theory, p. 293)
Nancy Chodorow, an American sociologist, reiterated this idea of “mature dependence.” Although her work primarily focuses on feminine identity development, in this instance, it can be applied to anyone, male or female. She notes that persons must develop an adequately strong and individuated sense of self, as well as an “identity that does not bog down either in ego-boundary confusion, low self-esteem, and overwhelming relatedness to others, or in compulsive denial of any connection to others or dependence upon them.” (Chodorow, “Family Structure and Feminine Personality.” In M.Z. Rosaldo and L. Lamphere (Eds.), Woman, Culture, and Society, p. 66)
The main point in all of this is that in order to have healthy relationships with others, we must have a self. There is no relationship if two people are so enmeshed that they cannot be distinguished from each other. There must be initial separateness in order to have union. You must have a sense of self before you can share that self in a healthy way. Furthermore, we must acknowledge and honor our “selves” if we are to have a true understanding of healthy boundaries.
For adult children of divorce or separation, we often struggle with the extremes of boundaries: when our person becomes overly entangled with other persons in our family, this is unhealthy; it can be equally unhealthy to completely cut everyone out of our lives because we think this is the only way of preserving ourselves. While there is certainly a place for putting distance between yourself and those who are toxic, it is often easy to slip into cutting all others out. Psychology today often wants to push independence and self as the model for health; and enmeshed families want to consume the individual so there is no self. A healthy, Christ-focused approach recognizes the need for both self AND others. There can be no proper relationships unless there are proper selves, and no fully proper selves unless there are proper relationships. For those of us who haven’t had a healthy family model to imitate, we must take an honest look at our relationships and ask Christ Himself to reveal to us where they need healing.
The next part of this series will focus on the particular scenarios that tend to arise regarding boundaries for Adult Children of Divorce.
Intercessory Prayer:
St. Elizabeth of Portugal, patron of familial peace and healing family rifts, please pray for us and our family relationships.
About the author:
Dr. Jill Verschaetse is a wife, mother, and licensed clinical psychologist. Although much of her work is currently at home, focused on mothering her own young children, she continues to do part-time work through psychological consultation and speaking engagements. Dr. Jill is also a child of divorce and a graduate of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. She is honored to be a part of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling retreat team, and she and her husband Dr. Nate Verschaeste serve as psychological advisors for Life-Giving Wounds.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
When you hear the term boundaries , does anyone or anything immediately come to mind? If so, spend a moment exploring that thought.
Have you had to place boundaries on a relationship?
Spend a moment reflecting on the following statement, and then write down your thoughts: “ God created your person and you are good. God wants you to care for and honor yourself. He desires that you come to know the unique person He created you to be.”