8 Tips on How to Spiritually Survive the Holidays as Adult Children of Divorce or Separation
After finishing a box of tissues while watching It’s a Wonderful Life, you look out the window to catch a glimpse of the first snowfall, feeling inspired and hopeful. Your mind wanders to imagine all of the cozy feels of Christmas. Then the phone rings and jerks you out of your reverie. “Hey, honey, it’s Dad. I’m just thinking ahead to Christmas day and am wondering if you are going to spend it with us or your mom this year?...”
As children of divorce or separation, we may often find ourselves torn and anxious, especially around the holidays. Trying to please everyone. Which parent needs me more? No stepping on toes. The same unhealthy patterns. Trouble with siblings or step-families. Feeling like we must commit to equal time spent in different places. Brooding over family dynamics or dysfunction. What happened to the joyful, peaceful, Christ-filled holiday season? I certainly don’t have all the answers, but here are eight tips that other Life-Giving Wounds retreat alumni and I have found helpful in navigating the holiday waters.
1. Draw Close to the Holy Family
As we unite ourselves with the Christ-child this Christmas season, let us remember that Christ also brings us into a unique relationship with His Holy Family. Mary is our mother—always waiting to embrace us in our weary moments, mindful of our needs and desires, ready to nourish, guide, wrap us under her mantle, and usher us to her Son. Joseph is our father—our faithful protector, our model of strength, fortitude, and sacrificial love, our sincere, pure of heart, steadfast, and humble leader. This true example of a vibrantly thriving family always welcomes us, sees us, and understands our struggles and disappointments amidst the failings of our own families. One retreat alumna shares:
In times when I’m in despair, feeling lonely, or am frustrated with my own (broken) family, I immediately seek solace in the Holy Family and I am reminded of forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, sacrifice, and unconditional love . . . I’m inspired and consoled by them and their relationship and I no longer feel alone.
It may be helpful to carry a holy card of the Holy Family or to keep an eye out for the nearest nativity scene throughout family visits. In these moments, notice the posture of Mary and Joseph toward the Christ-child: usually portrayed with open arms, hands close to their hearts, or hands pointed up toward heaven in prayer lovingly beholding the Son of God. Let us imitate this posture of an open heart to Our Lord. If you feel prompted to retreat to Nazareth during a family visit, by all means, take a moment (in the bathroom, in your car, wherever you deem best) to place yourself in the peaceful, joyful, loving presence of the Holy Family and ask that you may be given the grace to see Jesus in others. Another retreat alumna shares, “on Christmas morning . . . I get up earlier than everyone and spend time in prayer with the Holy Family so I can have family time with them.” Indeed, when Christ is first, our families and all things are brought into the right perspective and our visits bear the most fruit. Through the intercession of the Holy Family—the image of the Trinity on earth and true model of family life—we ask that each member of our families (both living and deceased) may be brought into union with them as well.
2. Become Rich in the Grace of the Sacraments and Prayer Before a Visit
When I really take a moment to reflect on the gravity of the gift of the Eucharist, it blows me away. After receiving, we are literally vessels of the Incarnate God who dwells inside us. His Real Presence is inside us. So too, in Confession—when we speak our sins in humility, we find ourselves filled with God’s love and mercy. This grace is real. Christ fortifies us against the snares of the devil, strengthens us, prepares us, and heals us with His Divine medicine. Consider how you can bring His presence not only into your own home but also into the homes you are visiting. Filling yourself to the brim with the love of the Holy Spirit will allow Him to abound in your thoughts and interactions. In this way, we can be vessels of grace for our families and open our hearts to whatever way the Lord desires to work in our visits.
Furthermore, the season of Advent is a time of preparation, prayer, and penance. How are we—particularly as adult children of divorce or separation—going to prepare in both spiritual and practical ways for the birth of our Savior? If you feel called, it may be helpful in prayer to journal and reflect on what your Advent goals may be in specific relation to your family relationships. In what areas do you aim for healing to begin in you and in others? What types of interactions do you hope to have in holiday visits? Is there anyone whom you may need to forgive? Are there any boundaries that you may need to set for the sake of love and healthy relationships? Before a visit, you could pray a novena with an intention specific to your family, picking a feast day that corresponds to the timing of your visit.
3. Create Your Own Personal Rosary
Another idea is to pray the rosary using particular Scripture passages that speak to your heart, perhaps adding your own personal intentions for each Hail Mary. For example, if you are visiting family near Christmas time, you could meditate on these five passages, reading the corresponding Scripture before each decade: 1) The Annunciation, 2) Joseph and Mary Travel to Bethlehem, 3) The Birth of Our Lord, 4) The Angels Appear to the Shepherds, 5) The Epiphany. Then write down personal intentions for each Hail Mary or a general intention for the decade. For example:
1. The Annunciation: “That I may have a posture and response open to the Holy Spirit when I visit Dad, just as Mary was open to the words of the angel Gabriel. Hail Mary...”
2. Joseph and Mary Travel to Bethlehem: “Give me fortitude, patience, and strength when I encounter the closed hearts of family members, just as Joseph and Mary persevered when doors were shut before them. Hail Mary...”
3. The Birth of Our Lord: “I ask that Christ may be born into my heart, giving me the grace to see others with His gaze and giving me the grace to forgive. Hail Mary...”
4. The Angels Appear to the Shepherds: “Help me to always be open to your guidance and to follow your light with a heart full of gratitude and praise like the shepherds. Hail Mary…”
5. The Epiphany: “That I may give others the gift of a joyful heart which reflects Your love and kindness, and that I may be attentive to the many gifts you have given me. Hail Mary…
These are just examples—let Christ, Joseph, and Mary guide you to choose Scripture passages that resonate in your heart. You can even pray just one decade a day. Ask the Lord to reveal His truths to you as you meditate on His story. It may also be helpful to journal as you pray. It doesn’t have to be a lot—just a sentence or two of what insights or thoughts come to you.
4. Reflect on Expectations and Envision Scenarios in Prayer Before a Visit
Reflecting on expectations before a trip will help you to prepare both spiritually and practically, as you can set your own standards of how you feel the Lord is calling you to spend your time, instead of submitting to the sometimes unhealthy expectations set by parents. Ideally, how would you like to spend your time? How much time visiting whom? How much time would you like to spend alone or with your immediate family? What is acceptable behavior, what is not? What are you going to do if something is not acceptable? How you can best bring Christ to your encounters so that they may be as life-giving as possible? How can you practically be a vehicle of healing grace and love for others? How can you best be attuned to the gentle whispers and promptings of the Lord in your visit?
Some retreat alumni have found it helpful to set aside some time before family gatherings to think and pray about uncomfortable or unhealthy situations in which they often find themselves. What scenarios can you envision that would cause you to lose your peace or provoke you to anger? In prayer, envision them again with Jesus at your side. How will He help you to respond in these situations? What specific words or phrases will you say and how do you think the recipient will react? Begin praying now for the people with whom you have the hardest time.
If you feel called, pick a family member with whom you may struggle and plan to reach out to them in your visit. Aim to show them the love of Christ in some small way. What are some activities that this person likes to do that can help keep the harmony and provide opportunity for deeper conversation or healing? While attending Mass, spiritually place this person’s name on the altar, or write it on a piece of paper during prayer intentions. Tell God that you surrender them to his care. Ask the Lord to help you accept what might not change. Ask for gratitude for the (sometimes harder to see) good aspects of your family situation.
5. Establish Boundaries for the Sake of Love
Children of divorce or separation often are not great at setting boundaries or limits, but it is important to note that boundaries are for the sake of love and they allow for authentic freedom! Appropriate boundaries keep the good in and the bad out. In reflecting on boundaries, ask yourself: is this experience/relationship/conversation, etc. life-giving? Is it bearing fruit? Is it helping me to feel alive as a radiant image of God? Is it bringing my family closer to a life of virtue? If not, how can I better incarnate Christ to others and make my interactions redemptive in both mercy and truth?
Before a visit, take a look at patterns of behavior that might set you up for repeated hurts. Understand that these unhealthy habits most likely stem from the deep wounds and insecurities of your parent(s), and try to set boundaries to establish healthy and fruitful relationships. Examples of boundaries include: not allowing yourself to become a parent’s main emotional confidant; feeling the freedom to say “no” to parents’ requests if they conflict with your own needs; refusing to stay in a situation where one parent is verbally insulting the other parent or you; refusing to stay in a situation where one parent is manipulating you to feel guilt about something that is not in itself wrong, such as visiting the other parent or expressing a negative emotion toward their divorce; creating emotional distance, etc. As much as possible, try to schedule family gatherings so you are not overwhelmed with too many visits on one day and still have the time you need to make the holiday spiritually fruitful for yourself. If feasible, it may even be helpful to schedule get-togethers before or after Christmas day so as to have the day open for prayer or spending time with those whose presence allows the visit to be stress-free.
In the end, don’t measure the “success” of your holiday by the happy/unhappy responses of family members, pleasant/unpleasant conversations, or the amount of times you sipped eggnog by the fire. Christ comes first, then your spouse, your children, your extended family, etc. Also remember that we live in an instant gratification culture, so people don’t like to hear that some things still take time. But healing and establishing healthy relationships are processes, not one-time events. Embrace them. Surrender them.
6. In Difficult Moments, Re-center and Re-enter, Asking for Openness to God-Given Moments of Healing
Despite our best efforts to bring peace, joy, and love to our families, difficult moments may arise in which we find ourselves at a loss for words, roused to anger, or paralyzed as we experience the dysfunction anew. Saint John Paul II explains how there is a difference between “receptivity” and “reactivity.” Reactivity is when we react feeling powerless and isolated. Receptivity is when we step out of the chaos (either mentally or physically), re-center in God’s grace, and re-enter/re-engage holding Christ’s hand. In these moments, send up a quick prayer asking for the grace to see yourself and others with the eyes and ears of the Father. Know that the Divine dwells within you, He suffers with you, and He sees the truth of every situation.
In the midst of challenging situations, try to transform the drama from something meaningless to something meaningful. Suffer with God, for God; fill the suffering—the hard conversation, the blow up, etc. —with His presence. In this way, like Christ, your wounds can become resources of love and strength.
7. Don’t Stop Living Your Faith-Filled Life in Your Visits with Family
It can be easy to lose your prayer routine or your daily spiritual practices amidst the hecticness of family gatherings. Yet, it is in those extended visits when we need to be most intentional about our witness of faith! It doesn’t have to be in grandiose exaggerated efforts, however. In the words of Saint Therese, “do little things with great love.” For example, make the sign of the cross with Holy Water before entering a family gathering. (Heck, sprinkle some blessed salt around the entire house or bury some Miraculous Medals when no one is looking). Begin each day with some time in prayer or simply raise your heart and mind to the Lord with the words, “Come, Holy Spirit” before you get out of bed. You could even pick a verse of Scripture to memorize or refer to throughout your visits (Ex. Romans 8:37-39, Psalm 62:6-8, Philippians 4:6-7, Romans 5:3-5, Proverbs 3:5-6, to name a few).
Further, it may be helpful to remember that recalling the deeper meanings of different holiday traditions may provide unique opportunities to witness to family. In his book The Blessing of Christmas, Pope Benedict XVI explains the significance of our Christmas customs. We give gifts because God has given Himself to us as a gift, wrapped in swaddling clothes, fully divine and fully human. We decorate a Christmas tree because the Tree of Calvary restored the Tree of Paradise. We bake cookies because the Messiah leads us to a land of milk and honey. Keeping this in mind or subtly mentioning the significance of these traditions as you participate in them with family can add a spiritual dimension to a visit or open conversation up to broach deeper topics.
8. Call on Your Community of Trusted Friends
In all these things, don’t forget that you are not alone! There is a whole community of us children of divorce or separation. Let us lift each other up in prayer. Remember, you are seen, validated, and understood by friends in this community even if you do not feel as such by your own family. Begin a prayer intentions thread with those you trust, friends you have made on the retreat, or with your small group. Use these conversations to build up the Body of Christ, not to brood bitterness in venting about family but affirming in truth and encouraging each other to draw close to the Lord in all things.
Most of all, remember that the communion of persons who is the Trinity invites you to participate in and receive love that is indissoluble, forever faithful, unconditional, and powerfully rich in mercy. This love will never fail you, and continually showers you with the grace to share in His gaze, His heart, His embrace, and His resurrection.
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Sarah Hart has been a member of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling retreat team since 2016 and has helped to lead several retreats. She is an adult child of divorce with an MTS from the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family. Sarah has done mission work in the Dominican Republic and taught elementary school for several years before becoming a stay-at-home mom. She and her family live in Virginia.